Puns ...

A language professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative.
However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up
"Yeah, right."

Ford announced today a new car built specifically for Southern California
freeways.
It's called a stationary wagon.

Weather forecasters' thinking is sometimes clouded.
To become one, you need a lot of degrees.
Forecasters who aren't paid enough may start a storm of protest after some
brain storming.
Arguments about the weather usually blow over.
Today freezing rain was predicted, and sure enough it was an ice day.

A guy bought a skipping rope because his doctor prescribed pills for;
Two days running and then skip a day.

Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends.
Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied
more upon the theories of Carl Jung.
One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where
they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive
into the sidewalk.
Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
Max extended his hand and said,
"Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually seen a
Freudian slip."

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone
"lLke hell, they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery.
Turn to the New Testament however, and there we are admonished to "Love our
Neighbor"
Go figure!

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price.
So, she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said
"Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said
"That can't be right !"
The clerk says
"Oh yes, it's right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
But
Who wants to live in an institution?