Fwd: ADULT PUNS

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
Which is worse?
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
Or
3) finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

You can tell if a novel is homosexual
If the hero always gets his man in the end.

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade,
listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they
had been married.
She went on and on.
Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course
of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to
stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.
The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you
think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,
"Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
the other days, I play golf."


When a whore house catches fire,
Some come out running
And
Some run out coming!

"Mummy, can I ask you something? "
"Of course, darling. What's on your mind? "
"Well, I'm already fourteen and I think it's just proper that I should
own one. "
"Own 'one' what? " the mother asked, suspiciously.
"A push-up bra. "
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it's catching attention. "
"Absolutely not "
"I think it would be just proper at my age... "
"I said: no! "
"But... "
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls! "

Triplets:
Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short
skirts and thong panties.
One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the
loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young, man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with
an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder he decides that he had better get two
loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so they can
continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of
another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to
see the clerk climb up and down the ladder.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder
"why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too? "
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

When the day comes that you're married, always remember, son:
If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for
a long time.

Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and,
discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to
combine business with pleasure.
The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she
didn't want to be discovered and fired.
After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop.
Next morning his phone rang and his caller was the maid.
In dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out and asked
if he wanted to come over and see her.
"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis.
But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just
back in and out of the garage, or maybe just polish it all the time