Fwd: Jokes of the Day - Thursday 23rd January 2014

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
out!'"

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Indiana Law

It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday
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A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually
precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests."

To the boy, he said
"Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked,
"Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and
purely isolated words?"
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A woman called up the fire department and said,
"Look, I've just had a new rock garden built and I've just planted
some new roses, and.."

The fireman said, "Where's the fire?"

She said,
"I've just spent a lot of money having my lawn mowed and my hedges
clipped. Some of my new plants are very expensive..."

He said,
"Look, lady, you don't want the fire department, you want a flower shop."

She said,
"No, I don't. The house next door is on fire, and I don't want you
clumsy fireman stamping all over my garden when you come over."

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At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson.
It was now time for the usual question period.

"Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."

"What's that my child?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the
Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Uh ... Right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you are correct."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of
Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing
something important, right?"

"All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"

"What I need to know is this," demanded Melvin. "What were all the
grown-ups doing?"
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TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to
me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza
Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were
still in love.

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The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbour.

However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward.
When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back.
He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to
the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."

"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the
bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."