Fwd: Cautionary Tale

With the season upon us, I would like to share a personal experience
with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the
authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social
session" with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with
friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of
bottles of rather nice red wine and a few vodka shots. Although
relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was well over the
limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was
a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi
before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I
don't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his
neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through
my fingers!"

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin.
He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on
their wedding night.
She didn't know what he was talking about and when he explained it,
she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the "normal"
position or not at all.
However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because
it was so big and she was so small.
They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call
an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help.
After hanging up the phone he said,
"You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you to, we could have
walked to the emergency room."

He said...
Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...
Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money.

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the
gates of Heaven on the same day.
Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only
one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why
they should be admitted to Heaven.
Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells
Saint Peter to take a good look.
"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me?
Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these
gates".
Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it,
shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.
Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.
Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter
"How could you let her enter? I show you these marvelous breasts and
she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?"
"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats
a pair anyday".

On wall in ladies room:
'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it:
'I do not'

A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day.
He went up to a friend and said,
"You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don't know what to do!"
The friend replied,
"Where are you going for your honeymoon?"
Man says,
"To Disneyworld."
Friend,
"OK, I'll come along with you and the first night I'll hide in the
closet. If you have a problem.... I'll be there."
Man,
"Thank you!"
They did exactly that.
The man left his wife and went to the bathroom.
He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an,
"Oh... Shit!"
His friend in the closet whispered,
"Flip her over! Flip her over!"

Give a man porn and he'll masturbate for a day.
Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

We know the Cinderella story was written by a woman,
Because
If it was written by a guy, the prince woulda screwed her intil 12 and
then she would have turned into a pizza.

Engineers do it to specification

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Fwd: Fantastic

Some one asked Shakespeare:
What is the similarity between Women and Alcohol?

Shakespeare replied -
They both have amazing qualities of giving pleasure at night and a
headache in the morning!

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

REASONS WHY WOMEN LIKE CUCUMBERS
Cucumbers will not tell you size doesn't count.
Cucumbers do not get too excited.
Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
Cucumbers will always respect you in the morning.
Cucumbers can handle rejection.

"Did you hear about the giant with diarrhoea?"
"Yes, it's all over town."

A female teacher with a great figure was starting her junior high
class on a unit on astronomy.
She asked the class which part of the Universe interested them most.
A boy in the front row immediately replied,
"The Asteroids around Uranus!"

It's not polite to talk with your mouth full.
It's not polite to talk on the phone while taking a dump.
That pretty much sums up food etiquette from beginning to end.

Paula and Steve got married.
They went to a Hotel for the wedding night.
The following morning, Paula's closest friend came over and asked her
how their wedding night went.
Paula told her,
"I'm just awfully tired, dead tired. All nightlong it was up and down,
in and out, up and down, in and out."
Her friend, misunderstanding her, was a bit shocked, that she spoke so crassly.
She clarified by adding,
"Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"

People used to see me driving a large car and they would say,
"You're compensating for your tiny penis."
And now I drive with clothes on.

Two signs found on top of one another near the entrance of a local restaurant:
RESTROOMS TO THE LEFT
PLEASE WAIT FOR THE HOSTESS TO SEAT YOU!

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come?"

A man is very ashamed of his pecker because of the size.
He has an extremely small pecker and doesn't want his girlfriend to
dump him when she sees the size.
One nigh,t when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner
he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small pecker, and shoves it
into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says,
"Thanks, but I don't smoke."

When two lesbians have sex,
It don't mean dick!

Had I come up with a slightly different concept, I could have made a
fortune on the Internet!
Too bad I took the wrong road and decided to market penis reduction products.

Truckers do it in the road.

There was a Nabob of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jostled together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his arse.

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Fwd: You got to love the Irish

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said,
'I do, Father.'
The priest said,
'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said,
'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said,
'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't
want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said,
'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to
go right now.'



Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said,

'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'




An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut .

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,

'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'




Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Fwd: Seniors and Computers

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next
door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come
over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten
T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.

If you're not a Senior yet, then send this to someone who is.

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Fwd: Ramblings of Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford
one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.


I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
blue teeth, I think.


You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.


I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!


I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!


When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got
a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'


Intake applications at a doctor's office always ask who is to be
called in case of an emergency.
I always write, 'An ambulance.'


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming
for their finals.




Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.


A penny saved is a government oversight.


The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


He who hesitates. .. is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.


If you can smile when things go wrong you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble..




Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.


When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth
think of Algebra.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.


Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.


Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

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Fwd: How Many of You Love Your Husband ?

How Many of You Love Your Husband ?

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husband.
The women were asked,
"How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked,
"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to
their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person,
and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious.
If you have been married for quite a while....a sign of true love....
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

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Fwd: : Gujarati lady in a bar just like a bloody Indian !!

A Gujarati lady visited a bar for the first time,
she sat on the table in front of the bartender;
A guy at her left ordered, "Jack Daniels, Single"

A guy at her right ordered, "Johnny Walker, Single "

The bartender looked at the lady, said ,"and you?"

Lady replied," Pushpa Patel, Married

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Fwd: FW: Fwd:Poor Husbands will understand

If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After
marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."

Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of a website.
You don't understand it but you still accept it.

Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband;
the poor king can take only one step at a time ....
While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

Why do most Indian women request for the same husband, in the next life -
how can you let such good training go to waste?

All Men are Brave,
Horror Movies don't scare them....
But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ...surely does

What's Checkmate?
You tell your wife "I saw a lady, looked exactly like you" & wife asks
"WAS SHE GORGEOUS ..??"
You can't say 'No' and you can't say 'Yes' – now that's Checkmate!

STOCK MARKET EFFECT:
Depressed Husband to his fat wife: "You are my only investment, that
has doubled.''

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Fwd: why only Indians are reborn

Why only Indians are Reborn (based on the Karma system)
Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said:
'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians here in Heaven and they
are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly Gates, my horn is missing, they are
wearing Dolce & Gabbana saris instead of their white robes, they are
driving Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're
selling off their halos at discounted prices''.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they
keep crouching down midway eating samosas & drinking chai (tea). Some
of them are even walking around with just one wing!
They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Gabriel calls Satan on the phone…

Satan answers the phone: 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.'
Satan returns to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel: 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says: 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.
'After about 2 minutes, Satan returns to the phone and says: 'I'm
back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel repeats the question: 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says: 'Man I don't believe this... Hold on.' This time Satan was
gone at least 5 minutes.

He returns and says: "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These
Indians are trying to install air conditioning and are trying to make
Hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire, which is
there to keep them uncomfortably hot !!

And since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a
telephone & Internet connection between Heaven & Hell, between ME &
GOD !!

They have started a social network service for the troubled, and
believe in Karma, and are good in convincing others.

Some were trying to start a chai pakora, chole-batura, dosa & samosa,
barfi, chakli and dhokla shop, which I had to stop.
Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on earth.
We have a shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable, but they
have no problems in doing everything outside in the open.
They are excellent in corrupting everyone, and my staff is being bribed by them.
I am having difficulty in controlling the graft and corruption in Hell.
They never complain as this place seems to be better than from where they came.

I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them.
I am therefore requesting, "O GOD, PLEASE send them back to earth as
soon as they arrive - for re-birth."
So now you know – "why Indians are the only ones that are re-born".

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Fwd: A FEW Laffs!

A mixed religion seminar
Recently, I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said,
"By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said,
"By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said,
"Insha Allah, you will walk today!"
I snapped at him,
"There's nothing wrong with me"
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said,
"By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

Is she world best wife?
This story may be manufactured or may be real, but great for a good laugh.
A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong,
He bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live
in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.
The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2009, the affair lasted for 5 years.
He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up.
A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the
woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE
LOVE.
When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her.
But she was still not happy...
And she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.
She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said,
"BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train,
next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies,
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response,
"Well, I'll be damned."
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had arthritis?"
The drunk answered,
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

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Fwd: WHY DIGNITY IS NOT NEGOTIABLE - A Beautiful Lesson

One morning at a Law College, when the new teacher to "Introduction
to the Rights"
entered the classroom, the first thing that he did was to ask the name of
a student who was seated on the first bench: "What is your name?"

"My name is Juan, Sir."

"Leave the classroom and I don't want to ever see you in my class ever!"
screamed the unpleasant teacher.
Juan was bewildered. When he got hold of his senses, he got up
quickly, collected his
belongings and left the classroom. All were scared and angry; however
nobody spoke anything.

"Well...." said the new teacher, "whom do the enacted Laws serve?"

We were afraid, but slowly gained confidence and we began to answer
his questions.

"So that there is an order in our society."
"No!" The teacher answered
"To accomplish them."
"No!"
"So that the wrong people pay for their actions?"
"No! Is it that nobody knows to answer this question?!"
"So that there is justice," said a girl timidly.

"At last! That's it.... so that there is justice. And now, what is
the use of justice?"

All began to feel uneasy by such rude attitude. However, we followed
answering....

"To safeguard the human rights...."

"Well, what more?" asked the teacher.

"To differentiate the right from the wrong.... to reward the good...."

"Ok, that is not bad; however... answer this question: Did I act correctly
when expelling Juan from the classroom?"

All were quiet, nobody answered.

"I want a decisive and unanimous answer!"

"No!" we all replied in unison.

"Could you all say I committed injustice?"

"Yes!"

"And why did nobody do anything in that respect? So why do we need Rules and
Laws if we don't have the necessary will to practice them? Each one
of you has the obligation of when you witness
an injustice. All of you! Do not stay quiet, never again! Go and call
Juan," he said staring at me.


On that day, I received the most practical lesson in my course of Law.

When we don't defend our Rights, we lose our Dignity, and Dignity is
not negotiable.

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Fwd: BREAKING NEWS ...

BREAKING NEWS ...

JUST HEARD THAT POPE HAS NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE,
BUT TO COME TO SL ON THE 13 TH OF JAN 2015, DESPITE ELECTIONS ON THE 08TH.

ANY GUESS WHY? …

MR HAS SAID, THAT HE HAS GOT POPE'S 'FILE' AS WELL!!!

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Fwd: Them Irish.!

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on
in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end.
I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did
I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me,
what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's
see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub
tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

There once was a Man from Sunbass
Who's balls were made out of brass
When they banged together,
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass


A Jewish boy came home from college and sat down to have a
heart-to-heart talk with his doting mother.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," he said. "The bad news is
that I'm a homosexual."
"Oh, no!" his mother exclaimed.
"Before you faint," the son continued, "the good news is I'm in love
with a doctor."

A pussy is the worlds smallest funeral home.
It can handle only one stiff in at a time.

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going
home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl,
"Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl,
"Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the
holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies,
"That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."

Tornadoes and marriage are very similar.
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing,
And
In the end, you lose your house.

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son.
After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of
love-making:
"One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing."
"What do you mean, Dad?"
"Well, for example, their words will vary according to their
occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, 'Are you done
yet?' On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, 'Are you done
already?'" "What do other women say?"
"Well, a school teacher will say, 'We are going to do this over and
over again until you get it right!' A nurse will say, 'This won't hurt
one bit.'"
"I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
"That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' A stewardess will say,
'Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.'"
"And what does mother say?"
"She says, 'Beige, beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'"

A man who had a few too many drinks loudly propositioned a woman in a
crowded singles bar, and was thrown out for engaging in aural sex.

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Fourteen women have accused Cosby of sexual abuse.
Just two more and he'll be an honorary Monsignor.

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like:
"I'm tired,"
"I just washed my hair,"
"I've got a headache,"
"I'm your sister in law."

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session
on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said,
"In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said,
"That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be
turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said,
"That's nothing, we have women with vaginas this big."
He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish story justice.
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch."

Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast.

The bar room was crowded.
All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked,
"What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed,
"I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me
because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

Frankie and Johnny were lovers,
Especially under the covers.
When she pulled out his trigger
She said, "Mmm, what a frigger!
But it makes so many girls mothers."

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS


The Question:
What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
The Answer:
A Cock Robin.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with
a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Vibrators are better than men.
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit.

A guy is at a bar sipping his drink when he spots a gorgeous blonde
sitting at one of the tables with her friends.
She catches him staring at her and they eye each other for a while.
Then he decides to go for it and motions to her with his finger (you
know, that "come here" motion made by the index finger).
So, she walks over to where he's standing.
He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear,
"If I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do
with a whole hand."

Homosexual:
One who only has sex in his own residence

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "

Yesterday, Mrs. MM had her Church ladies friends over for tea and I
made my usual socially polite appearance -- and this time I was
wearing pants.
To include me in the conversation one of the ladies said,
"Did you know that Father Thomas applied for a missionary position,
but was turned down?"
With hindsight, perhaps I should not have commented,
"Go figure. I thought that priests were supposed to be celibate."
Cops do it with cuffs.

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman,
"Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says,
"Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said,
"Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head,
"Yeah, my wife!"

A guy accidentally fed Viagra to his pet snake and now it's a cane.

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist
asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very
large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but
maybe I can squeeze you in."

In relations with men, women know what they are doing.
Why else would they take it all lying down?

Read More...

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Fwd: MONEY HAS DIFFERENT NAMES

MONEY HAS DIFFERENT NAMES


In a temple or church, it's called donation.
In school, it's fee.
In marriage, it's called a dowry or a gift
In divorce, alimony.
When you owe someone, it's debt.
When you pay the government, it's tax.
In court, it's fines.
Civil servant retirees, it's pension.
Employer to workers, it's salary.
Master to subordinates, it's wages.
To children, it's allowance.

When you borrow from bank, it's loan.
When you offer after a good service, it's tips.
To kidnappers, it's ransom.
Illegally received in the name of service, it's a bribe.




The question is, "when a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it???"



ANSWER:

It is called DUTY…and every man has to do his duty because wives are not
DUTY FREE.

Read More...

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Fwd: Friends - Differences Between Good Friends And Best Friends

Friends - Differences Between Good Friends And Best Friends

Friends - you just can't get through this roller coaster ride called
life without them by your side.
But friends come in different shapes, sizes and levels of closeness.
You've got friends, you've got good friends and then you have the big
ones - the best friends.

Here are 12 major differences between good friends and best friends.

1. Good friends ignore your annoying habits but best friends point it
out and make sure you know about it!

2. Good friends don't bring up things that embarrass you but best
friends tease you about it from morning till dusk.

3. Good friends put up with your terrible boyfriend/girlfriend but a
best friend will tell you to your face they are not right for you!

4. Good friends call you up at midnight to wish you happy birthday,
best friends will be next to you pouring you the next round of drinks!

5. You can laugh like a fool in front of good friends but you can only
cry like a baby in front of your best friends.

6. Good friends are always on your speed dial but best friends are on
your last called list.

7. Good friends offer to help you in times of need but best friends
just go ahead and do it.

8. You've barely had fights with good friends but you've had the most
terrible fights with your best friends.

9. Good friends send you reassuring, supportive text messages when
you're down but best friends call you up and talk to you for hours.

10. Good friends like all your FB photos but best friends are in them!

11. Good friends call you back within 10 minutes if you ring them up
while they are busy.
Best friends will leave whatever they are in the middle of and
come to your rescue wherever you are!

12. Good friends are always available for a talk on gchat on Whatsapp
but you can only call up your best friends at 4 am in the night and
talk till the sun comes up!

Read More...

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Fwd: Term Papers ...

Term Papers ...

English professors love to catch the errors students make in their
term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed
metaphors.
The "friends and survivors" of Calvin College English department
collected this list of mixed metaphors and posted them on their web
site:

"He swept the rug under the carpet."

"She's burning the midnight oil at both ends."

"It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."

"It's time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."

"She's robbing Peter to pay the piper."

"He's up a tree without a paddle."

"Beware my friend...you are skating on hot water."

"Keep your ear to the grindstone."

"Sometimes you've gotta stick your neck out on a limb."

"Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing
through butter."

Read More...

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Fwd: Fw: When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit........

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............

***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

Read More...

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Fwd: A Select Collection of Money Quotes ...

A Select Collection of Money Quotes ...

Robert Frost
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Benjamin Franklin
A penny saved is a penny earned.

William A. Ward
Before you speak, listen. Before you write, think. Before you spend,
earn. Before you invest, investigate. Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try. Before you retire,
save. Before you die, give.

J. Paul Getty
Buy when everyone else is selling and hold until everyone else is
buying. That's not just a catchy slogan. It's the very essence of
successful investing.

Norman Vincent Peale
Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty
hearts can do that.

Samuel Butler
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Eleanor Roosevelt
He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much
more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Billy Graham
If a person gets his attitude toward money straight, it will help
straighten out almost every other area in his life.

Francis Bacon
If money be not thy servant, it will be thy master. The covetous man
cannot so properly be said to possess wealth, as that may be said to
possess him

Henry Ford
If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The
only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of
knowledge, experience, and ability.

Henry Ford
It's not the employer who pays the wages. Employers only handle the
money. It's the customer who pays the wages

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

When we say certain words there's some "grayness",
For example, the planet, Uranus;
But don't try to be "classy";
That orb's large and it's gassy;
And where does "gas" come from?
Why, your anus!

Fourteen women have accused Cosby of sexual abuse.
Just two more and he'll be an honorary Monsignor.

Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other,
"Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"
The other replied,
"Because you dance like an asshole!"

Vibrators are better than men.
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa
opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her
husband finally asks
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."

The main difference between a new wife and a new job is;
After five years, the job still sucks.



Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a 'pearl necklace'.

Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports
pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night, as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game,
she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't
touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Payton
Manning gets laid?"

Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?"
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

Three Tea braggers: sitting on a porch shootin' the shit.
1st Tea bragger: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Tea bragger: "why is that stupid?"
1st Tea bragger: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Tea bragger: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one
of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Tea bragger: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Tea bragger: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Tea bragger : "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
1st and 2nd Tea braggers: "well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Tea bragger: "She ain't got no pecker!"

Firemen do it with a big hose.

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in
her mid-twenties.
These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go
into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

I really got into this game called "Minecraft" and built a replica of
the Colossus of Rhodes.
Now all the other players think I am a pervert,
But
All I did was to make it anatomically correct -- and I believe he was
called "Colossus" for a reason.
Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come?"

A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone;
And in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my how his business has grown!

Read More...

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Fwd: Male logic-Absolute Classic!!!

Critical Thinking
At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman[disgusted]:
Most definitely, No!

Man:
Where's your Ferrari, then?

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.

A friend of mine recently had a nose job and penis enlargement surgery
the same day.
Something must have gone wrong,
Because
I saw him today and he looked like an angry anteater.

Garbage men come once a week.

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.
Jerry asks,
"What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How's that possible?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a game at Sox Park.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you
on the balls."

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa
found two bottles of MALE DRIVE® in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked his grandson about taking the pills, and his grandson said,
"I don't think you should take one; they work extremely well and very fast!"
"How much is a bottle?" asked Grandpa.
"$29.95" answered the son.
"That's an incredible price," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try it, and
I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00
bill."
The next morning the grandson found $130.00 under his pillow.
He said to his Grandpa,
"I told you they cost $29.95, not $130."
"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma."

Vibrators are better than men.
It always is hard.

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make
arrangements for the following day.
"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.
When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at
the fishing lodge.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.
"Well," replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and
there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a coupe
of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

Old is when if the pill works,
You call everyone you know with the good news!

I knew Carrie was into some strange shit,
But
It wasn't until the tidal wave of lukewarm, fermented urine hit me
that I realized she wasn't joking when she said she had a can-o'-pee
bed.

They will pass out free condoms, you know,
But not sex toys for women, and so
If a dildo's desired,
It can sure be acquired,
But you'll need to use cash called dil-dough.

Read More...

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Fwd: Barack Obama and the psychic

Barack Hussein
Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a
Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently
reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a
Jewish holiday."

"Which one?'" Obama asks
nervously.

"It doesn't matter." replied the psychic. "Whenever you
die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

Read More...

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Fwd: Amazing Home Remedies ...

Amazing Home Remedies ...

*THESE REALLY WORK!!


*1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.*

*2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK. *

*3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.*

*4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.*

*5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.*

*6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.*

*7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.*

*THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. *
* SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:*

*NEVER, NEVER, NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND
SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT*

Read More...

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Fwd: ... Today's Quotes ... Sarcasm

... Today's Quotes ... Sarcasm

Sarcasm Is Everywhere
A friend had an interesting experience recently.
On her way to work, she went to pick up her low-fat decaf from a café.
As she approached the counter, the attendant asked her what she'd like.
As usual, she placed her order.
On a whim, she asked the salesgirl,
"Aren't you having a great time here?"
The girl hardly looked at my friend, and responded,
"Yeah, I guess. Apart from meeting idiots, I have a great life. What
the heck! I live to serve."

Clearly, that was not the answer my friend was expecting.
However, later she learned that the waitress thought that my friend
was being sarcastic about her work.
It was a misunderstanding.
But the important lesson here is that people are so often hit by
sarcasm that they do not know how to differentiate between sarcasm and
a genuine compliment.

How to Spot Sarcasm
Sarcasm can be an underhand compliment, a snarky retort, or a curt jibe.
People often use sarcasm to vent their unhappiness.
Or to hurt others.
Some sarcastic comments are so subtle that you wouldn't be able to
tell the difference between a compliment and sarcasm.

Many famous actors and writers are known for sarcasm.
Groucho Marx was admired and feared for his in-your-face comebacks.
His words hardly ever missed the mark, and often kept inflated egos in check.

Mark Twain was especially famous for his witty sarcasm.

He earned quite a reputation for his tongue-in-cheek jabs at
educational institutions, and even religion and death.

Winston Churchill

and Oscar Wilde were also infamous for their famous putdowns.


When Sarcasm Works Like Magic
Sometimes you need to put people in their place.

Especially those Internet trolls, who have the
'I-can-write-whatever-I-want' attitude.

When logical debates and arguments lose their sheen, you can resort to sarcasm.

If you want to use sarcasm to end a pointless argument, or to cut down
a narcissist to size, use these funny sarcastic quotes.

With a biting retort, you can have the last word, and the last laugh.

Walter Kerr
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever
enough to take indecent advantage of them.

Oscar Wilde
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what
I am saying.

Janeane Garofalo
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is
always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And
chipped a tooth.

Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become
well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Sir Winston Churchill
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
asks you not to kill him.

P. J. O'Rourke
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd
have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

Cal Thomas
Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula
to forsake blood.

Oscar Wilde
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There
is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

Satchel Paige
Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you.

Golda Meir
Don't be so humble -- you are not that great.

Jonathan Kellerman
Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're
able to persecute.

Salvador Dali
Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.

A. Whitney Brown
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.

Victor Borge
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the
hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Oscar Wilde
I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Ronald Reagan
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked
like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Frank Lloyd Wright
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of
fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Billy Wilder
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

Mark Twain
It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove
all doubt.

Benny Hill
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Aldous Huxley
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Oscar Wilde
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we
personally dislike.

Buddy Hackett
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Jonathan Fuerbringer
One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.

Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the former.

Read More...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Didja hear about the slutty soprano?
She'll always duet for a tenor.
She hangs out in bars under a rest because she's A minor.
No wonder she's always in such treble.

Kids born in whorehouses are;
Brothel sprouts.

A dude went into the drug store and asked to buy a rubber.
The clerk told him he doesn't sell condoms one at a time, he only
sells packages of 6, 8 or 12.
The dude asks,
"Why is that?"
The clerk said,
"Well, I don't make any money off these things, but I carry them for
my regular customers. Anyway, that's how they buy them."
The dude asks,
"But why 6, 8, or 12?"
The clerk answered,
"Well, those packs of six are for my Mexican customers. You know, they
do it six days a week and rest on the Sabbath."
He asked about the pack of eight.
The clerk replied,
"Those are for my black customers. You know, they do it seven days a
week -- and twice on Sunday."
He then asked,
"And the packs of twelve?"
"Oh, That's for my married white customers. You know, January, February, March."

Vibrators are better than men.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said,
"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said,
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said,
"No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were
approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded,
"Err, nah. They're stuck up bitches."

My house-mate got so much junk mail and offers for stuff, he started
using an alias when he replied,
"Heywood Jablome".

A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a
party on Halloween night.
The theme of the party was that you must have a costume that
represents an emotion.
The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to
be a big party.
On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown
costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual
syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.
The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the
person in, regardless of their taste in costume.
Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it.
A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves.
"You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?," the man asked.
"I'm red with anger.," said the woman.
The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party.
Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it,
to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in.
"What are you supposed tTo be, my pretty?," the man asked.
"I'm green,... Green with envy.," said the woman.
"Quite clever!" said the man.
He stepped aside to allow her to enter.
Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came.
He opened it, and in front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man.
On the end of his erected penis stood a pear.
"I hears you got yourself a party.," said the stranger.
"That is correct,...," said the man, trying to keep his cool.
"What are you supposed to be?"
The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied,
"I'm screwing despair!"

Detectives do it under cover.

You'd think my friend would be more open to taking my advice and
seeing a psychiatrist about his erection problems.
After all, I'm the one who took him to the hospital that night his
doll exploded.

I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got pissed.
Not my fault they don't have Windows.

A young man from Bethnall Green
Wasn't weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, "I'll admit
There's no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been."

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Fwd: The Irish way ..

The Irish way ..

Enjoy ...
I just love the Irish approach ...

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to him in the town of
Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch-limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object;
In fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said, "The
wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in DA nude all right, but I has to at least leave me
socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."...

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.

Period Piece:
What a husband gets when he can't wait a few more days for sex

The bar was getting ready to close,
So, Bob asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded, "Your face, or mine?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make
arrangements for the following day.
"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.
When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at
the fishing lodge.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.
"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and
there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple
of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

Firemen do it with a big hose.

Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got
shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.
The farmer called him aside and told him,
"Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole
night and no tricks, be warned."
In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him,
"How was your night, young man?"
"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."
The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this
fact to his close friend.
He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his
daughters away from trouble.
His friend laughed aloud and said,
"You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole
the whole night!"

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports
pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night, as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game,
she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't
touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Robert
Griffin III gets laid?"

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

All eyes turned to stare as Suzanne, a gorgeous redhead walked into
the costume party stark naked.
The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained.
"I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded.
"You don't even have a dick!"
"Well gee, I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes!"

Vibrators are better than men.
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not
hear from them until we're ready.

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.
The madam says to her,
" Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies,
"Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says,
"The same as the short ones".

Old is when 'getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

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Fwd: The Blue Pigeon - very incorrect!!!!!!!!

The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.


One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a
proposition.


'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any
questions.

Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one
question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened
his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London
sky.


All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the
city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column


The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE
question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE
question.


The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue Muslim ??

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

American beer is like having sex in a canoe.
It's fuckin' close to water!

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey
sitting by herself at the bar,
So, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Honest Harry replied:
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

For some reason, the Las Vegas security people didn't think my putting
the giant Baby Ruth candy bars in the commodes was funny.
After all, I was just trying to sweeten the pot.

Vibrators are better than men.
They don't get tired after the first time.

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New
York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next
gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down
and sideways.
"What kinda car is dis'here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly.
"It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors,
AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion
steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD
player in the dash, etc."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied.
The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10.
Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change.
Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --
"don't" and "stop" -- unless they are used together.

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a
sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Jane wrote:
'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one
another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much,
just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them
to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'
And Joe wrote:
'I love sex.'

On their wedding night, his new wife asked if any of his ancestors had
ridden with Paul Revere.
When he asked why, she explained,
"I was just wondering if minute men ran in your family."

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it
was for her and to keep it for "mad money,
So, she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's
Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was
going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grandma, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right
back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands
just like I did your Grandfather's."

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the
other and said:
"Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"
The other answered:
"Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

I don't hear very well on the phone, and I wouldn't have changed phone
companies if I had realized the lady wasn't saying that I would
definitely prefer her cervix.

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

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Fwd: Smile it's contagious ... Adultish

XXX Smile it's contagious ... Adultish

Ah Chai and his wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.
The counselor asks,
"You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies,
"It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he
continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused,
"Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public !"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates,
"Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a
while, I'd like to be in control !"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So, the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.
The counselor tells him,
"Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy and she might even
leave you."
The husband looks shocked,
"WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always
given her what she wants! What could be her problem?"
The counselor explains,
"She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy.
First, you're always acting strange in public, looking at the floor
and never going near anyone else."
Ah Chai looks concerned,
"Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told
me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused,
"Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause
anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish,
"Oh.That's what he meant. Okay."
The counselor continues,
"And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do!
He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint,
"That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
Ah Chai replies:
"In his dying breath, he said. "Son, Don't ever FUCK UP………… !"

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

The old Senator said, with compunction,
"I've been served with a formal injunction.
I lied, cheated and stole,
To achieve my own goal;
My sins caused 'electile' dysfunction!"

Old is when sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
And you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Overheard a conversation next door today with the milf telling her
friend she was about off to have 20 minutes with the cucumber on the
couch before her husband came home.
Very disappointing when I nipped over the fence and peered through the
widow, to find her on the couch fully clothed and two slices on her
eyes?

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free.

"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer.
"I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question."
"Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are
heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both
attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or
women, you are asexual."
"Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.

Give a man porn and he'll masturbate for a day.
Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told
him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancee has an particular
strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about
this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Mr. Smith comes to his wife,
"Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly?
I cannot button my pants."
"Oh Dear... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see
if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."
About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.
Mrs. Smith looks at him and says,
"My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she
did. Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the
wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in."

Vibrators are better than men.
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

Yankee:
The same as a quickie,
But
A guy can do it alone.

I once had a lady friend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.

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Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS



A street singer was arrested while playing his guitar.
He was caught fingering A minor.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but
she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked,
"How do you give shoulders?"

Vibrators are better than men.
They're happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment.
The fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me, do you have any special
fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish, but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches!"

An orchestra conductor is like a condom.
It's safer with one, but more fun without.

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as
their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say,
"Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother,
"Then he must be screwing' her up the ass!"

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being
sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at
last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife, replied. "Tonight, you
cook the damn dinner and I get on top!"

Old is when you make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you
get in bed with your spouse.



A Redneck is sitting on a rather empty train across from a good
looking girl wearing a tight mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The girl realizes he is staring and asks,
"Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says the Redneck as he promises to divert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch
this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The Redneck, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the
'wonder pussy' can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The Redneck stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The Redneck moves over.
The woman is now visibly horny and asks the Redneck,
"Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?"
Stunned, the Redneck replies,
"What! It can whistle, too?"

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.

I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love on
the couch and the channel changer just got in the way,
But
He said the odds were pretty remote.

Gardeners do it in the bushes.

There was a young maiden called Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right
So, everyone filled her with gin.

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Fwd: Confucius says: The Top 10 Quotes by Confucius ...

The Top 10 Quotes by Confucius ...


Confucius, whose name literally means "Master Kong", lived 551-479 BCE.
He was a Chinese thinker and philosopher, whose teachings have deeply
influenced not only Asian thought and life.
He presented himself as a "transmitter who invented nothing" and he
really pointed out the importance of learning, which is one reason he
is seen by Chinese people as "The Greatest Master".

One of the best known sources of Confucius are The Analects, a
collection of his teachings, which was compiled many years after his
death.
A fountain of extremely mindful quotes springs from these ancient descriptions.

Many of them are universal and timeless in their beautiful and simple
truth and they are as valid today as on the day they left Confucius'
mouth.
Here we take a look at 10 of the most inspiring quotes by Confucius.

Confucius says …

1. "Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself."

It's the "Golden Rule" and the essence of real compassion .
Not compassion as in looking down on someone and have pity for
another, this is no real compassion.
Compassion means seeing another person 100% equal to yourself (in
value, not in differentials on the surface which ultimately do not
matter).

In fact, it is seeing yourself in every other person.
And therefore you cannot harm anyone without also harming yourself.

It doesn't mean to lose individuality or self-worth, on the contrary –
but the other person earns the same gift.

2. "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."

That's my personal favourite quote since it expresses something very
profound which also is very useful to know:
Ignorance is a willful neglect or refusal to acquire knowledge.

It is not widen one's own perspective in order to see a broader truth.
As an example it would be to have racist thoughts and not realizing
that all men are equal.

The ultimate truth therefore is where there is absolutely no
ignorance, meaning where the perspective or consciousness has become
one with all that there is.
In Buddhism, ignorance (Avidyā) is seen as the primary cause of suffering.
Liberation is Enlightenment.

Another quote by Confucius here is
"Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star."

3. "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."

Those quotes are just perfect.
What he is expressing here is that we have to experience something
ourselves in order to really understand it.
If we are hearing something it might be interesting.
If we are seeing something it might be beautiful.
But only if we feel in happening to ourselves we can really know how it is.

Picture something nice as winning an Olympic gold medal or picture
something terrifying as the loss of a loved one.
Can you know this by hearing it or by seeing it?
Or do you have to do it and experience it yourself to really know it?

Along with this realization comes the awareness that you cannot
understand someone or his actions from hearing or seeing it from the
outside.
You have to feel empathic compassion for him to really know what it is like.
To know and not to do is really not to know.
Only by applying our knowledge we can validate it's harmony with
reality, it's truth.

4. "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

Amazing.
It calls for dropping the inner mask through which we constantly see
and evaluate the world, distorted by our wants and belief-systems.
Here we have to look at things as they are.

Just like a newborn child would look at things.
Then we are able to really see again, without instant labeling of what
we see and therefore only really seeing our label.
If we become able to do this – just for a second without judgment, we
can see that everything in nature is as it should be.
And in this natural perfection lies beauty.

5. "The Superior Man is aware of Righteousness, the inferior man is
aware of advantage."

Another quote is "The object of the superior man is truth."
It is the value of integrity:
Do we act to our best knowledge of truth or do we bend ourselves and
violate our integrity in order to gain an advantage?
Do we play fair game or use perfidious tactics?

To be truthful to ourselves is also important to the development of
(good) character.
And it is the only straight way to liberation.

6. "Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."

Whatever you do and whatever you commit to, do it fully, give your all
– one hundred percent.
It is the essence of Carpe Diem – 'Seizing the day' and it's surely
the best way to be satisfied with what we do and get the best results.

7. "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up
every time we do."

There is no failure, there are only valuable learning experiences.
Or as Thomas Edison about inventing the light bulb said:
"I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
The important thing is not giving up, but learning and then improving
by using this feedback to get better and ultimately succeed.

A quote expressing the same principle is
"A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it, is
committing another mistake."

8. "He who learns but does not think, is lost. He who thinks but does
not learn is in great danger."

Confucius explains the connection of learning and reflection.
Reflection of that what we learned by thinking or of the results we
get by applying the knowledge.
"Study without reflection is a waste of time; reflection without study
is dangerous" is a similar quote by Confucius.

Learning is only useful if we connect the learning within our own
minds, with what we already know and what is useful for us.
This reflection of any knowledge also saves us from blindly following
any knowledge without checking its truthfulness and validity to us.

I think everybody experienced learning when we really want this
knowledge and interweave it with what we already know.
If there is a need or problem we want to solve, the consume knowledge
much more effective than it happens for students in many universities.

9. "He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools."

This quote calls for planning and preparation.
This includes getting and improving the personal skills we need to be
successful.
If we want to hold speeches we have to become good with communication skills.
If we want to win a race we have to train for it.
If we want to do a big project we need knowledge in project management.
Steven Covey calls it "Sharpening the saw," read about it here.

10. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong
there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?"

It shows that our primary work lies within ourselves: to work on
ourselves and improve will automatically take care of the outside
world if we use our abilities then.
"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and
examine ourselves."
The solution to problems is not "out there".

It is the Inside-Out approach: success and happiness can only be found
by working on ourselves.
It also entails the spiritual message to look inside and to discover
ourselves fully.

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Fwd: SOME DAY' & 'ONE DAY'

'SOME DAY' & 'ONE DAY'

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a
silk paper wrapped package:

'This,' he said 'isn't any ordinary package.'
He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box and
silk satin dresses inside.
'She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago.
She has never put it on, she was saving it for a special occasion.
Well, I guess this is it.'

He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing
he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died.
He turned to me and said:
'Never save something for a special occasion. Everyday in your life is
a special occasion.'

I still think those words changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work.
I understood that life should be an experience to be lived up to, not
survived through.
I no longer keep anything.
I use crystal glasses every day.
I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.
I don't save my special cologne for special occasions, I use it
whenever I want to.

The words 'Someday....' and ' One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary.
If it's worth seeing, listening to, or doing, I want to see, listen or
do it now...
I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she
wouldn't be there the next morning; this nobody can tell.
I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.
She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.

I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food.
It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my
time had come...

Each day, each hour, each minute is special!

Live for today,
For tomorrow
Is promised to no-one.

If you got this,
it's because someone cares for you and because,
Probably,
There's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people
And
You say to yourself that you will send it
'One of these days',
Remember that
'One day' is far away...
Or
Might never come...

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Fwd: The Great Philosophers of This Century ...

The Great Philosophers of This Century ...
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space,
One thought kept crossing my mind -
Every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa
They had the Bible and We had the land.
They said,
'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them,
We had the Bible and They had the land.

~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population
Believes that professional wrestling is real
But
The moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
God dammit I'm a billionaire.

~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is
To test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife,
it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess,
But
It was no match for me at kick boxing.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer.
Kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars
But
I was just as happy when I had 48 million.

WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for,
I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the
furniture naked.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today
And
All the impersonators would be dead.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking.
Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to
the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania.
When it gets bad,
I take something for it.

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