Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

The old Senator said, with compunction,
"I've been served with a formal injunction.
I lied, cheated and stole,
To achieve my own goal;
My sins caused 'electile' dysfunction!"

Old is when sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
And you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Overheard a conversation next door today with the milf telling her
friend she was about off to have 20 minutes with the cucumber on the
couch before her husband came home.
Very disappointing when I nipped over the fence and peered through the
widow, to find her on the couch fully clothed and two slices on her
eyes?

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free.

"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer.
"I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question."
"Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are
heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both
attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or
women, you are asexual."
"Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.

Give a man porn and he'll masturbate for a day.
Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told
him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancee has an particular
strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about
this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Mr. Smith comes to his wife,
"Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly?
I cannot button my pants."
"Oh Dear... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see
if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."
About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.
Mrs. Smith looks at him and says,
"My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she
did. Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the
wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in."

Vibrators are better than men.
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

Yankee:
The same as a quickie,
But
A guy can do it alone.

I once had a lady friend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.