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XXX ADULT PUNS

There once was a Man from Sunbass
Who's balls were made out of brass
When they banged together,
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass


A Jewish boy came home from college and sat down to have a
heart-to-heart talk with his doting mother.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," he said. "The bad news is
that I'm a homosexual."
"Oh, no!" his mother exclaimed.
"Before you faint," the son continued, "the good news is I'm in love
with a doctor."

A pussy is the worlds smallest funeral home.
It can handle only one stiff in at a time.

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going
home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl,
"Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl,
"Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the
holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies,
"That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."

Tornadoes and marriage are very similar.
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing,
And
In the end, you lose your house.

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son.
After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of
love-making:
"One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing."
"What do you mean, Dad?"
"Well, for example, their words will vary according to their
occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, 'Are you done
yet?' On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, 'Are you done
already?'" "What do other women say?"
"Well, a school teacher will say, 'We are going to do this over and
over again until you get it right!' A nurse will say, 'This won't hurt
one bit.'"
"I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
"That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' A stewardess will say,
'Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.'"
"And what does mother say?"
"She says, 'Beige, beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'"

A man who had a few too many drinks loudly propositioned a woman in a
crowded singles bar, and was thrown out for engaging in aural sex.

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Fourteen women have accused Cosby of sexual abuse.
Just two more and he'll be an honorary Monsignor.

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like:
"I'm tired,"
"I just washed my hair,"
"I've got a headache,"
"I'm your sister in law."

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session
on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said,
"In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said,
"That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be
turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said,
"That's nothing, we have women with vaginas this big."
He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish story justice.
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch."

Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast.

The bar room was crowded.
All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked,
"What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed,
"I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me
because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

Frankie and Johnny were lovers,
Especially under the covers.
When she pulled out his trigger
She said, "Mmm, what a frigger!
But it makes so many girls mothers."