Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

A neurotic young playboy named Gleason
Liked boys for no tangible reason
A frontal lobotomy
All but cured him of sodomy
But ruined his plans for the season.

Period Piece:
What a husband gets when he can't wait a few more days for sex

The bar was getting ready to close,
So, Bob asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded, "Your face, or mine?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make
arrangements for the following day.
"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.
When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at
the fishing lodge.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.
"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and
there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple
of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

Firemen do it with a big hose.

Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got
shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.
The farmer called him aside and told him,
"Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole
night and no tricks, be warned."
In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him,
"How was your night, young man?"
"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."
The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this
fact to his close friend.
He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his
daughters away from trouble.
His friend laughed aloud and said,
"You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole
the whole night!"

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports
pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night, as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game,
she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't
touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Robert
Griffin III gets laid?"

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

All eyes turned to stare as Suzanne, a gorgeous redhead walked into
the costume party stark naked.
The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained.
"I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded.
"You don't even have a dick!"
"Well gee, I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes!"

Vibrators are better than men.
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not
hear from them until we're ready.

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.
The madam says to her,
" Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies,
"Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says,
"The same as the short ones".

Old is when 'getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..