Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his
neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through
my fingers!"

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin.
He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on
their wedding night.
She didn't know what he was talking about and when he explained it,
she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the "normal"
position or not at all.
However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because
it was so big and she was so small.
They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call
an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help.
After hanging up the phone he said,
"You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you to, we could have
walked to the emergency room."

He said...
Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...
Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money.

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the
gates of Heaven on the same day.
Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only
one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why
they should be admitted to Heaven.
Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells
Saint Peter to take a good look.
"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me?
Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these
gates".
Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it,
shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.
Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.
Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter
"How could you let her enter? I show you these marvelous breasts and
she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?"
"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats
a pair anyday".

On wall in ladies room:
'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it:
'I do not'

A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day.
He went up to a friend and said,
"You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don't know what to do!"
The friend replied,
"Where are you going for your honeymoon?"
Man says,
"To Disneyworld."
Friend,
"OK, I'll come along with you and the first night I'll hide in the
closet. If you have a problem.... I'll be there."
Man,
"Thank you!"
They did exactly that.
The man left his wife and went to the bathroom.
He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an,
"Oh... Shit!"
His friend in the closet whispered,
"Flip her over! Flip her over!"

Give a man porn and he'll masturbate for a day.
Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

We know the Cinderella story was written by a woman,
Because
If it was written by a guy, the prince woulda screwed her intil 12 and
then she would have turned into a pizza.

Engineers do it to specification