Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

When we say certain words there's some "grayness",
For example, the planet, Uranus;
But don't try to be "classy";
That orb's large and it's gassy;
And where does "gas" come from?
Why, your anus!

Fourteen women have accused Cosby of sexual abuse.
Just two more and he'll be an honorary Monsignor.

Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other,
"Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"
The other replied,
"Because you dance like an asshole!"

Vibrators are better than men.
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa
opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her
husband finally asks
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."

The main difference between a new wife and a new job is;
After five years, the job still sucks.



Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a 'pearl necklace'.

Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports
pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night, as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game,
she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't
touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Payton
Manning gets laid?"

Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?"
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

Three Tea braggers: sitting on a porch shootin' the shit.
1st Tea bragger: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Tea bragger: "why is that stupid?"
1st Tea bragger: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Tea bragger: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one
of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Tea bragger: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Tea bragger: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Tea bragger : "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
1st and 2nd Tea braggers: "well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Tea bragger: "She ain't got no pecker!"

Firemen do it with a big hose.

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in
her mid-twenties.
These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go
into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

I really got into this game called "Minecraft" and built a replica of
the Colossus of Rhodes.
Now all the other players think I am a pervert,
But
All I did was to make it anatomically correct -- and I believe he was
called "Colossus" for a reason.
Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come?"

A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone;
And in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my how his business has grown!