Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS



A street singer was arrested while playing his guitar.
He was caught fingering A minor.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but
she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked,
"How do you give shoulders?"

Vibrators are better than men.
They're happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment.
The fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me, do you have any special
fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish, but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches!"

An orchestra conductor is like a condom.
It's safer with one, but more fun without.

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as
their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say,
"Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother,
"Then he must be screwing' her up the ass!"

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being
sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at
last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife, replied. "Tonight, you
cook the damn dinner and I get on top!"

Old is when you make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you
get in bed with your spouse.



A Redneck is sitting on a rather empty train across from a good
looking girl wearing a tight mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The girl realizes he is staring and asks,
"Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says the Redneck as he promises to divert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch
this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The Redneck, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the
'wonder pussy' can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The Redneck stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The Redneck moves over.
The woman is now visibly horny and asks the Redneck,
"Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?"
Stunned, the Redneck replies,
"What! It can whistle, too?"

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.

I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love on
the couch and the channel changer just got in the way,
But
He said the odds were pretty remote.

Gardeners do it in the bushes.

There was a young maiden called Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right
So, everyone filled her with gin.