Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXXX ADULT PUNS

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Didja hear about the slutty soprano?
She'll always duet for a tenor.
She hangs out in bars under a rest because she's A minor.
No wonder she's always in such treble.

Kids born in whorehouses are;
Brothel sprouts.

A dude went into the drug store and asked to buy a rubber.
The clerk told him he doesn't sell condoms one at a time, he only
sells packages of 6, 8 or 12.
The dude asks,
"Why is that?"
The clerk said,
"Well, I don't make any money off these things, but I carry them for
my regular customers. Anyway, that's how they buy them."
The dude asks,
"But why 6, 8, or 12?"
The clerk answered,
"Well, those packs of six are for my Mexican customers. You know, they
do it six days a week and rest on the Sabbath."
He asked about the pack of eight.
The clerk replied,
"Those are for my black customers. You know, they do it seven days a
week -- and twice on Sunday."
He then asked,
"And the packs of twelve?"
"Oh, That's for my married white customers. You know, January, February, March."

Vibrators are better than men.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said,
"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said,
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said,
"No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were
approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded,
"Err, nah. They're stuck up bitches."

My house-mate got so much junk mail and offers for stuff, he started
using an alias when he replied,
"Heywood Jablome".

A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a
party on Halloween night.
The theme of the party was that you must have a costume that
represents an emotion.
The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to
be a big party.
On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown
costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual
syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.
The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the
person in, regardless of their taste in costume.
Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it.
A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves.
"You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?," the man asked.
"I'm red with anger.," said the woman.
The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party.
Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it,
to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in.
"What are you supposed tTo be, my pretty?," the man asked.
"I'm green,... Green with envy.," said the woman.
"Quite clever!" said the man.
He stepped aside to allow her to enter.
Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came.
He opened it, and in front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man.
On the end of his erected penis stood a pear.
"I hears you got yourself a party.," said the stranger.
"That is correct,...," said the man, trying to keep his cool.
"What are you supposed to be?"
The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied,
"I'm screwing despair!"

Detectives do it under cover.

You'd think my friend would be more open to taking my advice and
seeing a psychiatrist about his erection problems.
After all, I'm the one who took him to the hospital that night his
doll exploded.

I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got pissed.
Not my fault they don't have Windows.

A young man from Bethnall Green
Wasn't weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, "I'll admit
There's no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been."