Fwd: ADULT PUNS

XXX ADULT PUNS

There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

American beer is like having sex in a canoe.
It's fuckin' close to water!

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey
sitting by herself at the bar,
So, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Honest Harry replied:
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

For some reason, the Las Vegas security people didn't think my putting
the giant Baby Ruth candy bars in the commodes was funny.
After all, I was just trying to sweeten the pot.

Vibrators are better than men.
They don't get tired after the first time.

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New
York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next
gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down
and sideways.
"What kinda car is dis'here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly.
"It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors,
AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion
steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD
player in the dash, etc."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied.
The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10.
Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change.
Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --
"don't" and "stop" -- unless they are used together.

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a
sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Jane wrote:
'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one
another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much,
just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them
to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'
And Joe wrote:
'I love sex.'

On their wedding night, his new wife asked if any of his ancestors had
ridden with Paul Revere.
When he asked why, she explained,
"I was just wondering if minute men ran in your family."

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it
was for her and to keep it for "mad money,
So, she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's
Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was
going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grandma, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right
back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands
just like I did your Grandfather's."

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the
other and said:
"Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"
The other answered:
"Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

I don't hear very well on the phone, and I wouldn't have changed phone
companies if I had realized the lady wasn't saying that I would
definitely prefer her cervix.

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.