On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little
Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood..
What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
There was a young lady named Gray,
Who was asked to make love in the hay.
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants,
She was tickled to try it that way!
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he
neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot
the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the
animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do
you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that
A popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked
around, then approached the clerk.
"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?" she asked.
"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one. It's
inscribed, 'To the Man Who Was My First'"
"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.
With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in
the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked
your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses?" the
private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
FULL BODY SCANS AT THE AIRPORT:
The T.S.A. disclosed the Airport Screening Results
October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland
Security:
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Parliament had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.
VIRUS ALERT!
Ellen Degeneres virus -
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Monica Lewinsky virus -
Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Titanic virus -
Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus -
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus -
Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus -
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus -
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last
night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. (Gil
Ross)
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Pick-up Line:
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops
up.
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink
containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of
naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into 'Olympics'.
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a
young fireman rushed up.
Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.
"Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.
"You're not rescued yet either."
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies
have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be
more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to
locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the
right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have
Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
TWO DIFFICULT THINGS TO ACHIEVE;
1. To plant your ideas in someone else's head.
2. To put someone else's money in your own pocket.
The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.
And the Second is called a POLITICIAN.
The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.
The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND !!!
Gardening Hint:
For 'smart rose bushes' water them with beer.
It makes the bud wiser.
Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was carefully cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you
quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says,
"Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you sounded like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"
"The value of my waterfront property would increase if the U.S. And Canadian
governments could agree to de-pollute the lake," said Tom with superior
knowledge.
"What do you do?" the pretty young thing asked the fellow on the stool next
to her at the local watering hole.
"I'm a carnival performer," he said. "I do amazing mental tricks."
"Really? Like what?" she asked.
"The most amazing one is, I can feel a woman's breasts, and tell the exact
day she was born."
"No way!"
"Yes, really."
"OK, try it on me," she said.
He reached over, put his hands up her shirt, and started poking, prodding,
caressing, and gently pinching.
He was clearly concentrating, but didn't say a word.
"Well?" she finally demanded after about two minutes. "When was I born?!"
"I've got it exactly," he said, with one final squeeze. "Yesterday."
The circus strongman had a brief affair with the contortionist,
But she broke it off.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic.
But where is the proof?
The new husband had just sat down to the first dinner cooked by his new
bride.
He fished a piece of paper out of what was supposed to be a stew.
He unfolded the paper and read,
"Nobly, nobly Cape St. Vincent to the Northwest died away."
"What the heck is this?"
"Well," the young wife replied, "the recipe said that if the stew was too
thin, I should add some Browning."
I was going to buy some loose tea,
But
The price was too steep.
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona .
They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be
true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and
says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't
even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer
- it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front
of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Australia,
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
For those of you who have read 'Fifty Shades of Grey' (and those who have
not) - I think this is hilarious!
Sending this to everyone with a sense of humour - best laugh in ages!
Fifty Shades of Grey
My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
Oh, the sight filled me with dread.
In her hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.
Well, forty years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer .
She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.
Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.
She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
and, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left t*t.
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"
Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.
Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.
Anon.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
Why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears,
Does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
Is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an end angered
plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Mr. Asif Zardari teaching his children the spelling of Assassination.
One ass behind another ass, behind that I , and behind me the whole nation.
Well now you know!
The smell of limburger won't please
Most people, and I'm one of these
In fact that's the way
Most folks came to say
That farting, is cutting the cheese
Uncle Professor asked his nephews, Little Pauly and Little Maury,
"Do you know what the elements are?"
Maury, hesitantly:
"Fire -- Water -- I can't remember any other, Uncle."
"How about you, Pauly?" asked uncle Professor.
Pauly, confidently:
"Fire, Water, Earth and Screwing."
Uncle Professor was flabbergasted.
"That filthy thing you named, whatever made you include it?"
Pauly:
"My sister says that when her boyfriend gets to screwing, he's really in his
element."
Since his indiscretions have come to light, Several of Tiger Woods' sponsors
have dropped him.
However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.
They are making a new drug called 'Tiagra'.
"It's good for 18 holes."
A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner.
"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
So, she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later, the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks
his mother for a glass of cider.
His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass
and again watches him leave happy.
Ten minutes later, the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider.
The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been
piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.
So, she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of
the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.
"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
You shouldn't hire two Greek guys in the same workplace
Because
They will always find a way to get a little behind in their work.
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed
out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked,
"Judy, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about
to kill someone."
"I am!" Judy fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All
summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' was tossing a coin
for position."
In tennis one toe over the line is a foot fault,
But
The biggest mistake in tennis is an ass fault.
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were
meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bow legged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied,
"I know. I know."
Gladiator:
A Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two
front teeth.
You find no true love
Doubling up in tennis
For everyone scores
I'm working on a book on relationships, it's going to be called
'Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus,
Cougars are from Mercury, and because
Zombies look like crap maybe they're from Uranus'.
Texts on Twitter cannot be verbose,
So each message is just a small dose.
"The character limit,
One forty," said one wit,
"Is real good 'cause four more would be gross."
An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who
had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death.
When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his
office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
When one fails to sew the seat of the pants together well,
The result is unseemly.
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana,
this question.
"My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable
inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to
be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the
material universes, and life is impossible without it."
He continued,
"I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
A Cajun restaurant made all their sauce on one day for the week.
The cook roux'ed the day.
Olivia came home crying one afternoon.
"Oh, Mom!" she sobbed as she walked in the front door.
"Dear, what's wrong?" her mother asked.
Her daughter tried to stammer out an answer but couldn't.
Her mother walked over and hugged her.
"Rick said we needed some space!" Olivia finally said, teary-eyed, a minute
later.
"That's terrible, sweetie! You two have been together so long," her mother
replied. "Did he say why?"
"I don't know why," Olivia said. "I just hung up as soon as I heard that."
"Let's go over there," Mom suggested. "I'll talk some sense into him!"
They drove over to their apartment.
Walking through the front door, they negotiated the hallways until they
found Rick.
"Hi, Mrs. Matthews," Rick said cheerily, then changed his tune when he saw
Olivia teary-eyed.
"What's wrong, Olivia?" he asked.
"My daughter has informed me you told her you and she needed some space,"
her mother said, eyebrows knotted into a brow and arms folded in front of
her.
"Of course we do!" Rick replied with a sweeping arm motion. "Look at this
place! It looks like an episode of 'Hoarders!' We seriously need to
organize!"
A young girl got a bad sunburn at the beach when she forgot to use a
sun-blocking lotion.
Her mother said.
"Let that be a less sun to you."
The preacher came to call the other day.
He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him,
"Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am - in the bedroom, upstairs,
in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here
after?'"
There are only 10 types of people in the world,
Those who know binary
And
Those who don't.
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now his two front teeth are missing.
"It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his
partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see,
and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then
she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she
unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even
know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."
You must have a mirror in your pocket
Because
I can easily see myself in your pants.
Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit
TV show.
All she had to do was divide her favours between the star and the producer.
It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all.
You might even say she was shared skit less.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M
A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies:
"Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be
best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have
sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother:
"Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
The little boy returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father then says:
"Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal
for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister:
"Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
He returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father answers:
"Okay son, here's the deal: hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in
reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one
night.
The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool.
The nurse said,
"I would rather play with your privates."
Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to do
about sex .
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to undress and
get on the bed and he would show them what to do. The young woman undressed
as she was told by Maury and preceded to get on the bed.
Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps involved in making love,
in every possible position.
When he was finished, he said to Pauly,
"Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman interrupted,
"Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do. He is a little forgetful."
A gay masochist is
A sucker for punishment.
Three drunk guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned
it off again.
He told them.
"We have reached ".
The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said
"thank you".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked,thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
But he asked "whats that for?".
The 3rd guy replied:
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!". . .
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
Eating a Kurd all day.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
And with her he had his whey
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his light and says,
"Open wide."
"I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms!"
A passionate kiss like a spider's web,
Soon leads to the undoing of a fly.
I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
Even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.
A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me. Babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the daughter, "won't it knock my
teeth out?"
Secretary to boss:
"I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"You're not sterile."
The abbot of a nearby abbey was out in the city running errands downtown
when he saw a woman of questionable character say to a passerby,
"Twenty bucks for a blow job,"
At which point the passerby and the woman promptly went down the next alley,
where they went out of view.
The abbot was perplexed, for the very same thing occurred at another street
corner in the city.
He was walking down a sidewalk, when another woman, much the same as the
first, stated to another passerby,
"Twenty bucks for a blow job," at which point the two rapidly went into a
nearby alley, where the abbot couldn't see what was going on.
Still not knowing what a "blow job" was, the abbot left the city as naive as
he was upon entering it.
Back up the hill, the abbot was still contemplating what a blow job was, so
he went to see the mother superior at the adjacent convent.
"Mother superior," he asked, "what's a blow job?"
"Twenty bucks, same as downtown."
What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
All you can eat under a buck.
Judy took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said,
"What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"
She replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied, "Who did I miss?"
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Donuts.
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle
The attractive Yuppiette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was
talking to one of the wives over drinks.
"I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied,
"That's not surprising darling, considering the number of times you've been
inoculated."
When you mix PMS with GPS,
You get a crazy bitch who WILL find you.
A young couple were on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at
a historic graveyard to look around.
After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and
went at it on a tomb.
The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a
doctor.
The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her.
"How old are you, my dear?" the doctor asked.
"I am 22!" replied the wife. "Why?"
The doctor replied,
"Because on your butt it says that you were born in 1755."
What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny lady?
A counterfeit dollar is a phony buck.
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night in a hotel room and
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said
"No."
Daisy told Donald that they could not have sex if he didn't have a condom.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So, Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms,
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that one your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am!"
Love is a matter of chemistry,
Sex is a matter of physics.
Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore.
He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly
sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her
cunt.
The whole session lasted less than five minutes.
The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.
The girl looked blankly at Jim.
"You might be," she smiled helpfully. "Your face looks familiar."
Dairy Queen:
A milkman in high heels
Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his car in
a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said,
"I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So, Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof," Mike turned into a hotel.
An Australian leisure centre is
A sheep tied to a lamp post.
With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....
"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm
breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to
live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in
the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could
feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically
thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by
inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned
ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with
enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself
from ending it all too soon.
As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing
climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment
that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep
orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching
night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long
and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."
This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Wales, and certain parts of
North Yorkshire.
Woman wanted to screw on her date
Man was flaccid.
She said,
"I can't wait."
Put blue pill in his hand.
"Take it now, understand?"
He replied,
"Let me get this straight."
The attorney said to the victim on the witness stand,
"When my accused client hit you with a near lethal blow, you were
hospitalised. What did you have in your hands at that time?"
The injured replied,
"I had his wife's legs raised and held in my hands."
The bar room was crowded.
All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked,
"What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed,
"I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because
I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read.
"Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she
caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's
throat!"
A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts out to his wife,
"I don't know why I even put up with you. You aren't even good in bed!"
He then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" he asks.
"I was in bed," she answers.
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" he asks.
"Getting a second opinion!" comes her climactic reply.
A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman.
He propositioned her, and all he got was a bust in the mouth.
Eventually he went to bed with the woman, but his friends had to put him up
to it.
Judy was describing her evening's exploits to a friend.
"After dinner, "she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I
refused. I told him how my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly,
"Then what happened? "
"Oy, Michael kept insisting, and I kept refusing,"
Judy said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his
mother worry."
COOKIE:
A virgin doughnut.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating a Kurd all day.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
And with her he had his whey
The constipated composer couldn't finish the last movement.
The guy who delivers our office supplies has a heavy Portuguese accent, and
when he saw the National Geographic video about seals sitting on the table
he smiled broadly and shouted,
"Foka! Foka!"
"No," I said, "If you Fuck one of those in this country I'm pretty sure
you'll go to prison on some 'humping and endangered species' charge."
"No, no, no," he said quickly. "Foka mean 'seal' in Portuguese."
"I see," I said pointing to the big seal next to the little seal in the
picture. "So I'm betting that that's the mother foka?"
Half of all people use the Internet, and the other half of the people have
sex with a live partner.
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the
morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
A fourth-grader is sitting at dinner with his parents and says,
"Pop, today one of the kids in my class called me a faggot."
His father says,
"Well, son, tomorrow I want you to walk up to that boy on the playground and
punch him right in the nose."
His son says,
"Do I have to, Pop? He's awful cute."
A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she were
sexually active.
She said that she was not.
Examination revealed she was pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied,
"I'm not, I just lie there."
"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.
With a puzzled look she replies,
"No. Who?"
Did you hear about the medieval prostitute who worked six knights a week?
I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught.
I asked him what was wrong.
Bill said,
"As you know, I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a
part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's 'Romeo And Juliet'. I went and
tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a
misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script
clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."
Country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his
age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his
study table four objects..
1. A Bible.....?
2. A silver dollar.....?
3. A bottle of whiskey.....?
4. And a Playboy magazine.....?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he
comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and
Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he
picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver
dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
He is going to run for parliament
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to
calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
Confucius Say:
Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.
Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says
"We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . .. Why?"
She answers
"I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get
the bloody mop out again!"
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.? Can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is
so exciting about a period?'
'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was
missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next
door joined the Navy!'
This blonde thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each one had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents,
Do you think they went for water?
This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking
about getting married.
They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were
sexually compatible.
The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said,
"So long Lucy."
She said,
"Goodbye, Shorty."
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dicktater.
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the
main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady:
"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source
of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter:
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the
point?"
The Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your
boobs twice a day and only having sex once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
What do you call a chain of hotel rooms where midgets can stay for nothing?
Stay Free Mini Pads.
An old man made it shakily through the door to the Mustang Ranch, outside
Reno, Nevada.
The receptionist stared at him.
"You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking
for?"
"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got four or five
girls ready-n-able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed,
"Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Pop, you've had it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers
reached for his wallet.
"How much do I owe you?"
The difference between a nun at vespers and a nun in the bathtub is;
A nun at vespers has hope in her soul.
A guy goes into the doctor's office and says he has a problem in his rectum.
The doctor tells him to take off his pants and sees that there is a lettuce
growing out of his ass.
The doctor examines it and the guy says
"Is this serious?"
And the doctor says "You have a big problem here, buddy. And this is just
the tip of the Iceberg!"
Propose:
A provocative stance by a prostitute or fashion model
I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
If dicks had wings her mouth would be an airport
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for
Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl,
"Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Chanukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl,
"Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies,
"That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies,
"That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."
You can easily tell if a track star is gay.
He's always trying to lap the other runners!
Two housewives met in the local supermarket.
One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline.
She explained,
"They are going to raise the price. So, I'm stocking up."
The other woman replied,
"I'd never go to such extremes to save money. I'm not that tight."
I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
She can count the people she's had sex with on one hand -- if that hand was
holding a calculator.
A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a
neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him. One weekend, the husband
is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba comes in after having mowed the lawn
and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!
The man asked Bubba,
"I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I
couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said,
"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three
times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly
wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on
the bedpost three times.
He was just climbing into bed with new found confidence when his wife sat
up, half-asleep and mumbled,
"Is that you, Bubba?"
The Mother Superior's out bicycle riding with about a dozen nuns, and the
nuns are giggling, and carrying on.
The Mother Superior says,
"Calm down, now, girls, or I'm gonna have to put the seats back on those
bikes."
At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer.
Little Boy:
"But I don't know how to pray.
Dad:
"Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.
Little Boy:
"Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all
my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled
with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on
my Daddy's Blackberry,
And
Provide shelter for the homeless men who use Mom's room when Daddy is at
work.
Amen."
For some reason, Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening.
I once knew a man who had five penises.
He wasn't much to look at, but his underwear fit him like a glove.
In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet'
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
There was a young teacher named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So, they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and
she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again
throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said,
"You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my
attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at
dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in my
apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"
Sex is like going to the gas station.
Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room
and says,
''I have something to tell you about your child.''
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look one her face and says,
''What's wrong with it?''
The doctor says,
''There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a
hermaphrodite.''
The woman looks confused. '
'A hermaphrodite, what's that?''
The doctor replies,
''It has both features of a male and a female.''
The woman looks at him and says,
"Wow, you mean it has a penis and a brain?''
What should you do if your sister-in-law sits on your glasses and breaks
them?
Next time remember to take them off first.
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.
The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide
and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
She said to him,
"What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old man said
"Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, dat vould not be proper
vare I come from".
She said,
"Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He said,
"Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vare in DA
hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
If her vagina was a restaurant, it would be a drive-thru.
A trucker had driven his rig to the top of a steep hill and was starting
down the other side when he noticed a man and woman lying in the center of
the road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on the couple.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of the way, he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches away from them.
Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the driver walked to the front
of the cab and looked down at the couple, still in the road, and yelled,
"What the hell is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could
have been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up
and said,
"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming! You were the only
one with brakes!"
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl called Penny -- is that spooky or what?
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He said to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests
itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called
the cat, "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your
girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."
At this point, the fifth mother, Lucy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a
small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay
him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally- challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all
the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and
board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope
with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
Once a young gay from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which and to whom!
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her
fortune.
At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him:
"Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.
The young woman walks over to Bob and says,
"Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like
to talk to you."
Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says,
"Bob, I'm going to unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best
blow job you ever had!"
Bob smiles slightly and says,
"Well, okay. But what's in it for me?"
Rhumba:
An asset to music.
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he
was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil:
"The hat check girl puts out!"
It Could be Worse.
You could be Tim Tebow after splitting up with actress Camilla Belle
And
Now you're not having sex with everyone again instead of not having sex with
just her.
Two big shot lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive but obviously knew nothing about city life.
"She's so young and pretty she may be taken advantage of by some of those
fast talking city guys," one attorney said to the other. "Why don't we teach
her what's right and what's wrong?"
"Great idea," said his partner. "You teach her what's right."
He was so dumb
He took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game?
The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get
an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet
pills!
I'm looking for a place to live,
Can you help me?
There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.
Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked,
"Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved
one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"
"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase
'family jewels'."
How is sex like a roll of toilet paper?
After you tear off the first piece the rest comes easy.
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown".
So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at
his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the
whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice
"Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied,
"I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money. Just looking."
While watching the movie 'The Sound Of Music' last night I was reminded of
that sad day when I learned that it's actually O.K. To go out on a date with
a nun, as long as you don't get in the habit.
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was jerking off
several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So, the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got
married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.
"You crazy boy!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!"
"I know Pa," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"
If earth rotated 30 times faster,
Men would get their salary everyday, and women would bleed to death.
Me and a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work.
One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and
kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
Then he turned and said,
"Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that
she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."
At which point I put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly,
"You think you've got it bad, she's cut me out all together."
I said,
"Shall we try a different position tonight?"
My wife said,
"That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa."
Two old guys were chatting.
The first old guy says to the second old guy,
"My 85th birthday was yesterday and the wife gave me an SUV."
The second old guy responded,
"Wow! That's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a GREAT gift!"
The first old guy says,
"Yep! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
