XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it.
The genie popped out and said,
"I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer.
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

Nurse:
A pan handler.

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up
the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge;
Three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner.
He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate,
"I don't know what all this is about your Honour. I'm a college student
doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said,
"Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My
computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.
The woman began crying softly and said,
"Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my
husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said,
"Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills
along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days
and $250 fine."
He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply,
"I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,
"How's business?"
She sneered and replied,
"Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn
a single trick."

Two old dears having a coffee, one asks the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack."


I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's shoved so much meat in her mouth, Nathan's banned her from the Hot Dog
Eating Contest.

David went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping from his
penis,
The doctor took one look and told him he had V. D.
"No way," said the shocked David, blushing terribly. "It must be a cold."
"Call it what you like, David," said the doctor. "But, until it sneezes,
we'll have to treat it for V. D."

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek,
It doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

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EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him a sandwich.


Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years


Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying
of nothing.


Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.


- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

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XXX: ADULT PUNS!

There once was a lady named Cager,
Who readily agreed to a wager,
She consented to fart,
The entire oboe part,
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said,
"Do you like sex?"
I said,
"Of course I like sex."
She said,
"Do you like to travel?"
I said,
"Yeah, I love to travel."
She said,
"Then f*ck off."

Sign outside a brothel:
Married men not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy.

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.
The bloke cried,
"What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a
bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the
bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with
only one leg to catch a sheep"

90% of gals have a left boob bigger than the right
Because
90% of boys are right handed.

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bob told his friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair," Mike suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bob. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So, Bob went home and said,
"Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "
Forget it," said his wife, "I've tried that and it's never worked."

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman
Instead of
Same position with different women.

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming,
"Maggie, cud ye be sewin on a wee button that's come off of ma fly? I canna
button ma troosers."
"Och, Angus, I've got ma hands in the sink, go up the stairs and see if Mrs.
MacDonald could be helpin ye with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of Yelling
and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door
with a black eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
Maggie looks at him and says,
"My god Angus, what happened tae ye? Did you ask her up the stairs like I
told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did,
everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread,
Mr MacDonald walked in."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's been banged more than my snooze button.

A stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems,
but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling ok?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, have this compulsion to have sex with every man I
meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to
the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."

Such an unfair world:
When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its $8.50/min (charges may vary).

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XX ADULT PUNS!

A Doctor recently had a patient 'drop-in' on him for an unscheduled
appointment.
"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied,
"Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get
all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. Doctor, I'm
scared!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,
"Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man
of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these
symptoms?"
The old gent replied,
"Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Misconception:
A pregnancy that begins while using birth control?


A man's whole life could be changed by a fortuitous slip of the rubber.


An old woman was taken to a gynaecologist for the very first time, and of
course the gynaecologist was a very young and handsome fellow.
The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman
was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination.
Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come
in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results.
She then said she really only had one question for him.
The doctor said,
"What is the question you have?"
"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked,
"Are they your babies?"
He answered,
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with
her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a
clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and
he said,
"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that
seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
If dicks were cars, her mouth would be a parking garage.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

Two old guys were chatting.
The first old guy says to the second old guy,
"My 85th birthday was yesterday and the wife gave me an SUV."
The second old guy responded,
"Wow! That's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a GREAT gift!"
The first old guy says,
"Yep! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Noel Coward:
A man who's afraid to go home to his wife after the annual Christmas Party.



A man came up to a farmer and said,
"Sir, I want to marry your daughter."
The farmer said,
"Okay, you have to run the field, jump the fence, swim the pond, screw the
cow, and then you can marry my daughter." So, the man did as he was told.
He came back, and the farmer is laughing.
"You have to do it one more time; that was the funniest thing I ever saw!"
So, the man again did as he was told.
He came back, and this time the farmer was rolling around on the ground
still laughing.
"Please, just one more time. After this, I swear, you can have my daughter."
So, for the third time, the man done as he was told.
He came back to the farmer, who was dying laughing.
"Okay, you can have my daughter. Welcome to the family, Son."
"To hell with your daughter, Sir. I want your cow!"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
I tried to use her name as my password and it said "error: too easy".

The research worker conducting a sex survey found discrepancies between a
husband's answers and his wife's.
The researcher phoned him and said,
"Mr. Jones, something's wrong with your survey. Under 'Frequency of
Intercourse' you answered, 'Two times a week' but your wife answered, 'Seven
times a night.'"
"No, that's correct," replied Mr. Pullman. "But that's only 'till we pay off
our second mortgage!"

If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade,
Would it go both ways?

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a
pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.

A woman who likes to monkey around with a lot of men,
Could be called an organ grinder.

Movies and Video Games don't kill children.
Adults carrying assault weapons kill children.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a man named Odom
Whose balls were too big for his scrotum
Though it was relief that he sought
It all went for naught
Cause he didn't know how to unloadem

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Irvin. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is
now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent
piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom
mansion, you drive a $650,000 Ferrari, you get $5,000 a week allowance, you
take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away -- over 45
cents?
Now that's a REAL Jewish mother talking!

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

This morning I walked to the local Mall wearing my raincoat and nothing
else, and opened it in front of a group of shoppers.
An old lady commented,
"Is that all you've got?"
Well, it looked like the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

This morning when I got up I got the Preparation 'H' mixed up with the
Poli-Grip.
Now I talk like an ass hole, but my gums don't itch.

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist.
She says,
"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so
great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest
thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this
strange tingling sensation between my toes."
The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her.
He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.
"Actually no," She replied, "Just between my 2 big toes!"

Jack was nimble,
But
Jack was quick.
So, Jill preferred the candlestick!

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when
the subject of sex came up.
Now, Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says,
"Last night I made love to my wife three times! This morning, she was so
happy she made me my favourite breakfast of eggs and grits."
Now, Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin
Billy-Bob, he says,
"That's nothing. Last night I made love to my wife five times. She was so
happy, she not only made me my favourite breakfast of biscuits and gravy,
she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another
man."
Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something.
Finally, I just said in a quiet voice,
"I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn't fix me anything
for breakfast."
Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me,
"Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?"
"Just two words," I answered. "Don't stop".

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
She doesn't sleep in her own bed often enough to wash the sheets.

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Not Blonde jokes, Blond Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond
man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take t

hem to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get
there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blond neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on
all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry
hair, and I've just wet mine."


A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"
he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to
me." The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."


A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO
NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it
up. (I had to think about this one a minute)


A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her
husband!"

A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly, he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he
tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your
air freshener swinging about!"

A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still
missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he
replies.

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says
the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

(This one actually makes sense.)

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blond man replies: "If they fell
forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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Advice from a Friend

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with
my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been
known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home
after a "social session" out with friends.

Well last weekend I was out for an evening with friends celebrating the
season and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the
limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a
cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was
a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a
real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got
it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

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XX Female logic backfires

Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Man: Ten quid.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Heather,
Whose vagina was made out of leather,
She made an odd noise,
That attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

DONKEY BARBECUE:
Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini.
The bartender says.
"What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful
woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says,
"Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink."
She replies,
"Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am
finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of
experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked
"How did you ever accomplish that?"
"I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said.
The woman replied
"What a coincidence!"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But she's shoved so much meat in her mouth,
Nathan's banned her from the Hot Dog Eating Contest.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said,
"Do you like sex?"
I said,
"Of course, I like sex."
She said,
"Do you like to travel?"
I said,
"Yeah, I love to travel."
She said,
"Then f*ck off."

It seems this guy has a habit of calling in on Monday morning, with the
complaint,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says,
"He's great. He does the work of two guys. We don't want to lose him."
The boss calls the guy into his office.
"You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a really good
worker and I don't want to fire you. What's the problem, what can we do to
help? Is it drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy stutters a bit, then grimaces and sighs.
"Nah," the man says, "I don't drink or do drugs. But, well, my
brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then he beats on my sister. So
every Monday morning, she calls me crying, and I go over to make sure she's
all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to
another, and the next thing you know, we're having sex."
"What?" his boss yells. "You have sex with your sister?"
"Hey," the guy snarls. "I told you I was sick."


Good girls keep their eye on the clock.
Bad girls keep their eye on the calendar.
Naughty girls name the baby after their fathers

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Our three breasted cousin, Miss Drew,
Says she wishes she only had two,
The boys pinch and feel 'em,
For she can't conceal 'em,
Brassieres for three knockers are few.

An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel.
One of the prostitutes calls out:
"Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try?"
The old man replies:
"No, my child, I can not!"
The prostitute:
"Cheer up! Let us try!"
The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old The prostitute says:
"Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot"
The old man replies:
"Aaah, Sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
She calls her underwear "ankle warmers."

A surgeon went to check on his very blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could
expect a complete recovery.
She asked him,
"How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after
having their tonsils out."

How is sex like a roll of toilet paper?
After you tear off the first piece the rest comes easy.

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring
afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire. Exasperated, the priest
stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily, a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop
behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.
"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a
flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."
And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with
one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the
other.
"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.
The priest rolled the spare around to the strongman who casually lifted it
up with his free hand, manoeuvred it into place, and proceeded to tighten
the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's
snatch."
"Hmmmm," mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

Two old dears having a coffee, one asks the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack."

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bob told his friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair," Mike suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bob. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bob went home and said,
"Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife, "I've tried that and it's never worked."

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their
age.
The old man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex."

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Donuts.

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Misinterpretation?

It all makes sense now ...

Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized all in the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man, he should be stoned."

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years?

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XX ADULT PUNS!

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame,
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?" Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's been in more laps than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

To spice up our sex life I proposed role-playing to my wife and she
accepted,
So, yesterday I walked into the bedroom and announced,
"Hi, I'm the hunky garden boy. Are you the lady who needs help with her
bush?"
She replied,
"Actually, I need help with the lawn. Go outside and mow it."
"What?"
"Go and mow the lawn," she repeated. "You haven't mowed in two weeks, you
lazy bum!"
I think we'll need to work harder on the finer points of role-playing, but
in the meanwhile I am not going to present myself as the hunky pool-cleaning
boy, or the hunky handyman. (Marizio Mariotti)

No wonder Santa's so damn jolly,
He knows where all the bad girls live

Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought their wives for
Christmas.
Tom said,
"I got my wife a 3-carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW."
Harry asked,
"If you got her a 3-carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW?"
"So if she didn't like the ring, I knew that she would like the BMW," said
Tom,
"Well what did you get your wife?"
Harry replied,
"Well, I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Tom laughed and asked
"Why'd you get her a dildo?"
"Well," said Harry, "so if she didn't like the flip-flops she could go screw
herself"

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, she just said, 'I can't believe I have a person inside me!'
I said, 'So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?'"

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV.
The husband sighs and says,
"Man, what a rip off! It was all over in 3 minutes!"
The wife mutters,
"Now you know how I feel."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning, the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said
"I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!"
He then continues and says,
"It took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look,
"Um son, we don't have a cow, We have a bull!"

Husband to wife:
"When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife.
Cold as usual.'"
Wife to husband:
"When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband.
Stiff at last.'"

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his
gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone.
The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."
A week later, hubby returned home, and found the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he said, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it
in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's taken more loads than an old washing machine.

Judy took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said,
"What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"
She replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied, "Who did I miss?"

I have just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes my wife look like she's moving during sex.

I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples that
have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another
when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

A guy says,
"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies,
"Well, ER, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Read More...

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Seniors Leaving Britain

News Flash from the offshore Portland Bill

The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the South coast of
England today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading
to,
but away from Britain towards the Middle East.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British
who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to the
Middle East
so as to be able to return to Britain as illegal immigrants
and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving
as legitimate
British pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel
and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking the next boat out,
Please let me know if you want to come.

Read More...

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Christmas Warning

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a
one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are
required to undergo a risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs
for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is
appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where
there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be
obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To
avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that
laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise
nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by
any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While
provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras
from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are
reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for
known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded
that — prior to shining his/her glory all around — s/he must confirm that
all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to
account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of
Glory.
Following last year's well publicized case, everyone is advised that EEOC
legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of
Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer
games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be
taken against those found guilty of this offense.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various
parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the
bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be
registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal
personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold
are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices
Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as
aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger
without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be
arriving shortly.
Merry Christmas,
Risk Management Department

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Three women & the electric chair

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to
be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe
in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the
floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just
graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately
fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
from the University of Tennessee and I just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Read More...

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The new 11th Commandment

ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT



During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses and Saint Peter
concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Monica has
brought about the need for an 11th Commandment.



They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to
settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized
that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the
original Ten Commandments.



They persevered with their brain-storming and drafted the 11th.



After many revisions, they finally agreed that the 11th commandment should be:



"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

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Beggars can be Choosers

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues
for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50.

"Well," the beggar thinks, " it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes
Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs. 10
every day, then Rs. 7.50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

" Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university, it's
very expensive, so I had to cut costs".

"This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my
expenses even further."

" And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar,

" I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense".

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You tell 'em girl

He Said To Me!



He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
I said to him ...... You wear pants don't you?





He said to me ............. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said … That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on
the sofa and fart




He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
I said to him ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .... They don't have time.






He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
I said to him .... I don't know; it has never happened.






He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find women who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.




He said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
I said. . . A widow.




He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Read More...

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The effect of email warnings

As we approach the wind-down of another year - I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now
and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put
lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to
die for the 1,387,258th time.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing
while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on
it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one
pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons
of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
rat crap in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.




I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes,
feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer doesn't
crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could
be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in
the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to
grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying petrol from some companies
supports Al Qaeda, and
buying petrol from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand
will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Read More...

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The toilet seat..

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our
toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After
finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint
had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in
desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital
emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her
(Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor,
I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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The pantie.. xxxx (MORE SUITED FOR THE ADULT) !!!

Police officer George, and women Police officer Annabelle and their police
dog Rex had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short
time when Mary said,
"Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties!
It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them."

"We don't have to go back," George replied. "Just give the dog one sniff
between your legs, and he'll go fetch them for you."

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog
took off toward the station house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner
with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the superintendent's 'balls' in
his mouth!

Read More...

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Politicians

What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!


We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

~ Aesop , Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.

~ Plato , ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river.

~ Nikita Khrushchev , Russian politician




When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.

~Quoted in ' Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go
out and buy some more tunnel.

~ John Quinton , American actor/writer


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds
from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~ Oscar Ameringer , "the Mark Twain of American Socialism"


The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter,
taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.

AND ......................

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then
they get elected and prove it.

~ P.J. O'Rourke , American comedian


I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952


A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman


I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.

~ Charles de Gaulle , French general & politician


Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.

~ Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the
1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

"Politics is the last resort of a scoundrel."


The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~ Variously attributed to Will Rogers and George Bernard Shaw

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XXX ADULT PUNS

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been screwin' her sheep.


A guy walks up to a woman and begins staring at her legs.
He says,
"You have very nice legs."
While blushing, the woman thanks him and asks for his name.
The man says,
"My name isn't important," and continues staring at her legs.
He looks up at her face and says,
"You have extremely nice legs. What time do they open?"


The nymphomaniac said to her friend,
"I've got an odd problem every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."
Her friend asks,
"What are you doing about it?"
"Sniffing pepper!"

Read More...

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Sharp eyed stewardess

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other up,
And
Both realise they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket,
And
She looks delighted.

Rear toilet?
He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees, and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up
to,
So, she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the radio
.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet,
We know what you are doing,
And
It is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out
And
Take the condom off the smoke detector."

Read More...

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OFFICE LANGUAGE...

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed and who was responsible.


SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and
then leaves.


ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the 0 adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.


FLIGHT RISK:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the
company or department soon.


OHNO-SECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you've just made a BIG
mistake.
Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.


PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

Read More...

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Cell Phone Etiquette.................

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:? "Hi
sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six
thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young
woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into
the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer. Cell phone
etiquette, ya think?

Read More...

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Leprechaun

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his

drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,

a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball

beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from

the cart and poured it over the little guy,

reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer

answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him

the three things I would want... a great golf game,

all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into

the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,

how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're

all right.'


'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer

golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money

situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket

and pull out €100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.

How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.

Read More...

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Making a Baby

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!

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