Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: March 2012

Saturday, March 31, 2012

X CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

XX The Moral of this story is...BRILLIANT!!!

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it....
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly...
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse,
And the mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Dementia - BRILLIANT!

Several days ago as I left the club, I desperately gave myself a personal
pat down.
I was looking for my car keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the club revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.

Frantically,I headed for the parking lot.
My wife had scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the doors of the club, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location,confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and
that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered.
I always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well,come and get me."

She retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car."

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Cemetery Music.......

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears music, no one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him,
by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is
being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar, when they return with the
expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order
in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the
grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
*
*
*
*
"He's decomposing." !!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Ghost Sex........

A professor at the University of Tottenham was giving a lecture on
Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here
believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any
of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands..

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to
a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats"

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a Baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The Baker was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card
and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next
morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up
waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!

British Humour - Non Halal

POLITICALLY INCORRECT.........just as intended!!!*

==============================
*
Police in * *London have found a bomb outside a mosque....* *
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.*
============================== *
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling
tree.* *
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they
were living up there."*
============================== *
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5
times a week now. *
============================== *
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.*
*
How could anyone stoop so low.*
===================================================== *
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth
floor* *balcony shaking a carpet.* *
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"*
============================== *
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..* *
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder
that* *rises into the clouds.* *

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.* *

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man
with a beard.* *

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!* *

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.* *
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:* *

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from
all his* *climbing.

"No my son... I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"*
*

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"*

Saturday, March 24, 2012

A Man's Journey

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so
I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very
stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a
girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I
found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so
I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything
I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Cheeky beggar

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues
for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7, 50.

" Well," the beggar thinks, " it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes
Rs. 5.

" What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. " First you give me Rs.
10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

" Well," the man says, " last year my eldest son went to university, it's
very expensive, so I had to cut costs.

This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my
expenses even further ."

" And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

" Four," the man replies.

" Well," says the beggar, " I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my
expense".

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Old joke with a local twist - Doctors

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he
is looking for work.

"The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the
brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 week
she is looking for work.

"A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either.

In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into
another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

"The Sri Lankan doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us....in Sri Lanka, about 6 years ago, we grabbed a
village lawyer from down south with no brain, no heart, and no balls....we
made him President of the country, and now...the whole country is looking
for work!!."

Friday, March 16, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

Brutus sees Julius Caesar leaving an orgy.
He asks Caesar how he did.
Caesar answers,
"Ate two, Brutus!"

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a Cubs "Loveable
Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game. In order to be
able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on
the balls."

There's no business like show business,
But
There's no job like a blow job.

The Democratic party is considering changing its emblem from a donkey to a
condom because
It expands with inflation,
Limits productivity,
Encourages cooperation,
And
Gives you a feeling of security,
Although
You know you're getting screwed.

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women
hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So, one day he asked Bubba,
"Just what the hell is your secret?"
So, Bubba replies,
"Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip my cock out and
bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em
forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom.
He heard his wife in the shower.
Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging
his cock on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said,
"That you, Bubba?"

If you have a psychotic fixation and you go to the doctor and you want these
two fingers amputated, he will not cut them off.
But he will remove your genitals.

I have more trouble getting a prescription for valium than having my uterus
lowered and made into a penis.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed,
he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love? "
"That is something I have never done before, " Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin? " Jack was amazed.
"No, silly! " she giggled. "I've never objected! "

Define 'Wicker box':
What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Paris Hilton.

Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite
at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f----ed up your hair?"

Can't Beat These Lawyers !!

A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.

On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat. She tore
it apart, screaming, "What the hell is this? What have you been up to??"

He calmly replied, "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case
worth a million for me, which I'm handling. You can forget the jewellery you
wanted!"

She quickly fell on her knees apologising.
No one wins over a Lawyer, even someone called A WIFE.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

XX Geordie

A small zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla

available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie

Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the

animal cages.

Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy

any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so

Geordie was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the

matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would

accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

· "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin' on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

· "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

· "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as
Nuwcastle fans."

Once again it was agreed.

· 4. "And last of all", Geordie stated,

"You Gotta givvme another week to come up with the £500"

FUNNY TWO - LINERS

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry ?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
And then it was too late

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after
realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

One working girl told another,
"I had a customer today who promised me a seventeen carat ring, a twenty-one
carat bracelet, and a thirty-two carat necklace."
The other girl cautioned,
"Watch out, Deane. With all those carats he'll expect you to act like a
rabbit!"

Many Aussies prefer sheep to women because sheep don't get upset if you
screw their sisters.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to
it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've
been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he
mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

There's something about women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put my
finger on it.

The difference between a mosquito and a blonde is
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Bob pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced,
"My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bob explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work.
Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman, the
postman, the paperboy, the UPS man, and several of the neighbourhood guys
came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

A Kinsey interviewer was questioning a Bronx housewife.
The question was:
"What do you think of Sex?"
"I wouldn't be without it," she replied. "It's one of the best department
stores in New York!"

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Man to girl he met at the bar:
"How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"

Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods-but he got away.
Next morning, they caught him, and for the rest of the day their stomachs
were on the bum.
Next day, the three ladies were confronted by a flasher.
The first had a stroke,
The second had a stroke,
But
The third wouldn't touch it.

Blondes are like pianos.
When they aren't upright, they're grand.

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the bathroom.
He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and
swearing very softly.
The bartender approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some SOB Snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to
my head."
"Damn! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

Bisexual:
A Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other.

A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits
their windscreen.
Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was
an insect, to which one of the boys replied
"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. )

What do women call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive
man?
Gay!

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He got to his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1, then called
the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for
dinner.
After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he
was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone had written in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"

I tried phone sex once,
But
The holes in the dialler were too small.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Taxi story

An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he
must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the
prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the
infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens
the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel."

A Smart Reply..

Smart Reply: A 70 year old man asks his wife..."Do you feel sad when
you see me running after young girls?" Wife replied, "No not at all,
even dogs chase cars they can't drive.

Monday, March 12, 2012

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN...

When George Burns was 80 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey .
Oprah asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are
always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when
I do it."
Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it..."
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with
me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe
I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is usually even better than the first
time."
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up in
thirty minutes..."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh
My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my
testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me
in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she
stole my wallet."

Is this our CMC?

Two municipal workers were working really hard on this warm sunny day.

One of them was digging holes and the other guys would come along and fill
them up.

A passerby observed this for a while, puzzled by what he saw, went up to the
two workers and said 'One of you digs a hole and the other fills it up,
whats going on?'

To which the council worker replied 'The guy who plants the trees took the
day off'

(If you work for the council please accept my condolences)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him,
"A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small
dick."
"Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."

Girl asks her mother:
"What is sex?"
Mother:
"Sex is when you stop a car driven by a man who offers you a meal in a
restaurant, and then you spend some time with him in the hotel room, sleep
with him once, and then each one go on his way and you have a hundred
dollars bill extra in your pocket."
Then the girl asks her mother:
"What is Super Sex?"
Mother:
"Super sex is when you stop a limousine driven by Chauffeur and a stylish
man is sitting in the back who takes you to a luxurious villa, gives you a
sumptuous meal with distinctive Caviar, and then you spend the night
together in bed and engage in sex more than once, and then you part with an
envelope containing a thousand dollars in your pocket."
And then the girl asks her mother:
"What is love?"
Mother:
"Love is a lie invented by men so that they can have sex with you for free."

What's the definition of a virgin hillbilly?
A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her brothers!

My boss thrust a picture under my nose,
"What the hell is this?" he asked.
"Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me screwing your
wife. You know that's not real don't you? It's clearly been Photo shopped."
"What?" he said, relaxing slightly, "How can you tell?"
"Well, your wife's tits aren't that big and they've airbrushed out the mole
by her fanny.

A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman.
He propositioned her, but all he got was a bust in the mouth.
Eventually, he went to bed with the woman, but his friends had to put him up
to it.

The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store
across the way, heading for his shop.
The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and
unwrapped a condom.
"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."
The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content,
to the customer.
The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.
"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?"
"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight,
I'm going to give it to her."

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

A girl married a quiet, humble man and after one week, he came home rather
flustered.
"When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my willy."
"That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't come, at least you
could write.

At a music store there was a sign stating, "Bach's Organ Works."
Underneath someone had scribbled,
"So does mine."

Friday, March 09, 2012

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my
desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

XX - Politically Correct

We all know how literally impossible it is to not offend SOMEONE these
days, everyone is just SO FRIGGING TOUCHY...

So this guide will help you on how to speak about the opposite sex in
a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

BENGALI POEM

Actual poem written by a Bengali school teacher in 1920!! (not certain about
that).

May have seen this one earlier but certainly worth a second laugh.

Through the jongole I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Boshtaard Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But I not fear these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start
But noise is coming from my damn fool heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - 'Bannerjee be brave'
I am now proceeding with too much care
From far I smell this Tiger's lair
My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start pray
I think I will shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to flee
But Tiger giving bloody roar spotting Bengalee
He bounding from cave like footballer Pele
I run shouting 'Kali Ma tumi kothay gele'
Through the jongole I am running
With Tiger on my tail closer coming
I am a telling that never in life
I will risk again for my damn wife!!!!

International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day.
That time of the year again to thank God you're not a woman.

XX ADULT PUNS!

The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students who
did not put a full-stop at the end of their sentences.
I guess she really hated it when her girls missed their periods.

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my god! It was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke,
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the
last little piece of it out with dental floss."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

One day, we had a very confused, elderly patient sitting at the nursing
station.
We kept her near the nursing station so we could monitor her safety.
The woman kept insisting to all who could hear that she was pregnant and in
labour.
Our medical director came walking down the hall just in time to hear all the
commotion.
He began to assess her and interview her regarding her "labour pains."
He asked the patient exactly how she could have become pregnant at her age.
She gave him a very bewildered look and said matter-of-factly,
"Why, if you don't know by now, doctor, I don't feel like it's my place to
tell you!"

What do you call a man with a broken condom?
"Daddy."

This reputedly happened on The Newlywed Game:
The new groom was asked the weirdest place that the couple ever made
whoopie.
With confidence he replied,
"Got to be the butt, Bob."

An old and favoured servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently
reprimanded by them for his free behaviour with the female servants.
Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their presence,
and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and
turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him, his next escapade would be
his last.
He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time.
One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and on a search being made,
was discovered in the beer cellar buggering the page boy.
"How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over
a new leaf."
"So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!'"

Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out the window?
She didn't have the balls.

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner.
Once she stops sucking, change the fuckin' bag.

XX - ADULT PUNS!

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the
pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know
it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her
mother,
"Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best
friends are her legs."
Much to her mother's dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter
announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you
that your best friends are your legs?"
"You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time when even best friends
must part."

At the brothel, the man made a joke about each potential bed mate in turn
until one slapped him in the face.
"I'd like her," he said to the Madam.
"What on Earth was that all about?" she asked.
"Well, it's the only piece of advice my father gave me.
He said,
`Screw 'em if they can't take a joke.'"

A man says to his wife
"I had a wet dream about you last night"
"Aww did you?" wife replies.
"Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"

Pick up Lines:
If I told you that you had a great body,
Would you hold it against me?

Back in the 60's, Lederle (pronounced: led-RR-lee) Laboratories, a leading
drug company, would have the same prefix for many of their trademarked
drugs.
They were all prefixed with leder:
Ledercillian, Ledermycin, Lederject, Ledercort, Lederfolin, Ledertrexate and
so on.
They even came up with a birth control drug, called it Lederalone.

The husband was watching late-nite TV, and his wife had gone to bed.
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs back to see what
was wrong with his wife. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife yells,
"That guy just screwed me twice!"
He asks,
"Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?"
She answered,
"Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male
anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

XXXX - UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next
day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd
had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied,'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up
or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fxxk or drown'

All you Lotharios and Philanderers

A TIP FROM A GENIUS

A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW
BATTERY".
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it
to the charger.

Give that man a medal !!!

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Best excuse by a female employee !

My friend, who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank,
says that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received
in his career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee,
at their bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2010. He says
when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the previous
day, she simply replied .......

" But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday
and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our
medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra ! Now
how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam,
And the deer and the antelope play,
And I'll show you a home filled with all kinds of shit.

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
"I'm pregnant."
He asked,
"How did this happen, my child?"
She said,
"I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked,
"What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied,
"Because I swallowed the first one."

Many secretaries are unsuited for their work.

If the church sign stating
"The Best Position Is On Your Knees" is correct,
Then, why isn't that called
'The Missionary Position'?

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says,
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says,
"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
Once again, the son goes back to play.
A short time later, he comes running back and says,
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the
more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

The cost of living has now gotten so bad
That my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone
call.
It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into
quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend Corinne, and when my wife and I came
back from the movies we found them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't
worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered,
"Yes, but from an IUD?"

You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

The squeaking of the bedsprings increased in intensity.
Then, silence.
Her quiet voice broke the stillness of the darkened room.
"I'm not myself tonight," she insisted.
"Well, whoever you are," he sighed, "it certainly is an improvement."

If Guinevere gave Lancelot,
I wonder how much Galahad.

A man calls 911 and says
"I think my wife is dead".
The operator says,
"How do you know?"
He says
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

XX - ADULT PUNS!

The most unfortunate words a doctor can choose to utter as a comfort to a
patient nervously awaiting a circumcision is,
"It won't be long now."

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to
calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before," he asked?
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

I got up at half time and went into the bathroom to make room for some more
beer.
When I came out my wife said,
"Did you wash your hands?"
I said,
"No. Why make such a big deal about it?"
"Well, you went to the bathroom, your hands are dirty," she complained, "Go
back and wash them!"
"I don't know what you're complaining about, I didn't touch anything in
there you haven't had in your mouth!"
I slept on the couch that night.

The first effort towards sexual application in the genetic engineering of
food is,
To imbue the characteristics of a Mexican jumping bean into a cucumber to
create the world's first organic vibrator.

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy
was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope."
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when
they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous
of Jimmy's new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open
and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily.
"What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said,
"Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

I knew a guy who was into bondage, bestiality, & necrophilia but he finally
gave it up.
He said it was too much like flogging a dead horse.

A girl scout troop on a hiking trip in a National forest suddenly came upon
a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.
"Back ladies, back" cried the leader! "There's a very dangerous beast out
there!"
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed
happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
"Well, err, if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of
artificial respiration. Yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm
gonna try for next!"

If necessity is the mother of invention,
Then, frustration is the father of masturbation!

It's not my fault I got detained by the Airport TSA agent when she steered
me into the full-body scanner and yelled out,
"If you've got anything in your pants you will have to take it out and hold
it in your hand!"
She could have been more specific!!

Those who keep saying that a woman's place is in the kitchen
Obviously, don't know what to do with them in the bedroom.

The blue pigeon

The Mayor of London, England was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of
pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive
on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can
pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his
coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London sky.

All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air
behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew
eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon
had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of
pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented
him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did
have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man
had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to
ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

The mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Pakistani ?"

Monday, March 05, 2012

The Kiwi Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment
to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the
way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong
hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he
drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering
bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment
in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the
wall screamed,

'For f..k's sake, you stupid Kiwi prick. It's ten past three
in the f..king morning!!!'

20.Reasons : WHY WE SRI LANKANS CAN NEVER HIJACK A PLANE

1. We are always late & would've in the first place missed the flight
planned for the hijack.

2. The hand carry baggage with weapons would've weighed over 15 Kg &
would've been put as checked baggage.

3. We will trip over the boarding steps, call it 'bad luck' & postpone
the mission.

4. A passenger will spot our guns through the 'sili sili' bags.

5. We would talk loudly & bring attention to ourselves.

6. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.

7. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down.

8. We would want the pilot to divert the plane to go over our house.

9. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

10. We would argue who will win the next election & start a fight on the plane.

11. We can't keep a secret and we would've told everyone a week before
doing what we intend.

12. Before take-off we would want to put the Lion flag on the windshield.

13. We would have postponed the mission bcoz a cricket match was going on.

14. We would have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being
taken with the hostages.

15. We would be looking at the air hostesses and not the hostages.

16. Soon as we board we would demand Arrack & created such a rumpus
that we'd be off-loaded.

17. We would want to throw the sardines with tomato sauce through the
emergency door.

18. We would argue about the auspicious time, when we are over another
time zone.

19. We would find that 25% of the hostages are our relatives or
somebody's somebody.

20. A sweet thing will call us 'aiya' and the whole mission will be forgotten.

Irish pubs are the best

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals, when you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another,
all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that
you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims, the Irishman
swore every word was true.

They said "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Ah, the Australian Genie

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb
making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck
in his bum!

If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable.
Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in
my bum.'

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab explains, 'I was walking along Russell Street and tripped
over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag
attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish only...'

I said, 'No shit?'

God Bless Australia

Thursday, March 01, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

You can tell when a Scotchman is in love by the tilt in his kilt.

In a check out line the other day, a couple ahead of me were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay.
The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy,
"Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked,
"What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded,
"Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

I visited a cat house where business was so bad they couldn't even afford beds.
It was very embarrassing.
Every time customers came in, the girls were floored.

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up, Dave" asked the Landlord "It's not like you to be so down
in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My lad's just
the same, forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the
landlord, sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that" continued the customer, " but it's far worse
than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next
door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man, "the little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms"

Everyone has heard of Elvis the Pelvis, but few people know that he
had a brother Enos.

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife:
"Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good
news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay!"
His wife said:
"$25,000.00 in severance pay? That's great! Now, what's the bad news?"
He said:
"Wait till you hear what was severed!"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man asked his wife after making love,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She casually replied,
"You're never home!"

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair flipping her gown at
him, she said,
"Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

Pick up Lines:
"Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?"

Saturday, March 31, 2012

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Monday, March 12, 2012

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Friday, March 09, 2012

Thursday, March 08, 2012

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Thursday, March 01, 2012

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