XX -- ADULT PUNS

These are BAD..do not proceed unless you have no problems with X rated jokes

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles
lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home, she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus
I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her
down she would have been a goner."

The first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons is that
you can also sit upright in a car.

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co- worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did
you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"
"No!" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side
of his desk.
"I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced, "You are definitely pregnant again."
"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly. "You'll
have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"
"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor. "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?"
"I mean a hearing aid, Doctor. You see it's like this. Every Saturday
night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he says, "Now
then-are we going to sleep, or what?" And every blasted time I say,
'What?"

What did the redneck do with his his first 50 cent piece?
He married her!

The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down
to the station.
While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off
the desk and swallowed it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the
guy with passing a bad check twice.

"Mommy, I just found out that our neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!"
"You mean it's small?"
"No it's salty!"

The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way -without turning into a nag-that I can keep my
husband in line?"
The counselor scowled.
"Young lady," he said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"

A federal court has upheld Alabama's ban on sex toys.
Opponents in the state argued privacy rights.
What happens in a bedroom should be between two consenting cousins.
(Alan Ray)

Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents
warned him not to have anything to do with girls.
They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.
Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size,
keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.
He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.
She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on
top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.
He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, Johnny
runs from the class room sobbing and crying,
"Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"
All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning
comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I
didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?"
asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said,
"The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying
him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they Fuck
you every time!"

A blow Job is a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!