X - ADULT PUNS.

Misconception:
A pregnancy that begins while using birth control.

These days the only real "safe sex" involves going out with a man
who's impotent.

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package
and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz,
"Heard You went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got
back Okay... But you look so sad. Why??"
Sally,
"Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz,
"Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally,
"Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I
needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find
it."
Liz,
"I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally,
"Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice
and a bird cage."
Liz,
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?"
Sally,
"Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

"I think my boss is into cyber sex."
"What makes you think so?"
"I noticed that lately he's gotten very good at typing with one hand."

There was this church that had a very big busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played.
They distracted the congregation considerably, mainly the men present.
The very proper church ladies were appalled! Something had to be done
About them or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to put
alum on them and maybe they would shrink in size.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol - we will not hath a
Thermon today !!"

A good girl keeps her eye on the clock;
A bad girl keeps her eye on the calendar.

A divorced man, upon meeting his ex after two years of separation said,
"Listen honey, just for old time's sake, why don't we have a leisurely
dinner, share a few glasses of fine wine, go to my apartment and
really make love?"
"Over my dead body!"
"There you go! - You haven't changed a bit"

A blonde tried to blow up her unfaithful husband's car.
She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area,
when things started to get somewhat passionate.
So, they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention
to what was going on outside.
All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?"
he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized.
"Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket."
So, the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch
their behaviour.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the
policeman wrote the ticket for.
Her boyfriend replied,
"Doing 69 in a 35 zone."

A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on
the couch with another man, and he starts yelling at her.
"Oh, great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home; now the whole building
will know!"

The easiest way to figure out exactly when you got pregnant is to have
sex once a year.

Back in the 50's when mothers and daughters actually used to discuss
such things as dating, Carol had been dating one fellow for over three
months and her mother was becoming concerned.
"Exactly what are Bruce's intentions?" she asked her daughter.
"I'm not sure, Mother,"
Carol replied.
"He's been keeping me pretty much in the dark."

I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything.
For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked
on the organ.

A chastity belt is a labour-saving device.

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim
wife was bragging about her figure.
"You know, honey," she said, "I can still get into the same skirts I
did before we were married."
"Yeah?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the
ballgame on TV. "I wish to Hell I could."