X - ADULT PUNS

The difference between a rooster, Uncle Sam and an old maid is, a rooster says,
"Cock a doodle do,"
Uncle Sam says,
"Yankee doodle do,"
And the old maid says,
"Any dude'll do."

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said,
"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said,
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said,
"Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

If sex Is music of the soul,
An orgasm is the Gland Finale

It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-
Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time.

So, I'm training my puppy the other day, and I forget I have a speech
impediment.
Jeez, now every time I tell him to sit he takes a dump on the floor.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's
a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

What do you call a Florida gynaecologist?
A spreader of old wives' tails

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked
"How many?"
The man replied,
"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said,
"That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said,
"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex much
anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my
new shoes...."

Food is better than a man because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

A man asked his neighbour how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbour replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties
and he used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor, he decided
to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he
asked:
"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you
wear them out?"
Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them
back on again!"

What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

An old man was 89-years-old and he wanted to marry a 24 year old girl.
His son told him,
"You can't marry a 24-year-old girl."
He said,
"Why not?"
The son said,
"If you marry a 24-year-old girl, you'll have to have sex with her and
that could be fatal!"
He thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Well if she dies, she dies."