Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex - the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox 360.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics,
ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been
pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to
the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and
said, "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!" Murph
got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold
on!
We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little
girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty
lil ting,too...." Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the
doctor said, "Hold on,we still
ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
"Murph, you just had yourself another boy!" Murph said to the
doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something
that happened during conception." Murph said, "Ah yeah, during
conception"
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said, " you remember dat night that we ran out
of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil." She said,
"Yeah,I remember dat night" Murph said, "I'll tell you, it's a
fookin' good thing we didn't use dat WD-40!!"
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because
he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's
appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he
would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he
knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple
incident, and for anything else that was really his doing.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to
be alone."
And the Number One reason of all....
1. God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared:
"I can do better than that!!"
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said,
"Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life!!!
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge
settee opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ... enough times till her
husband says...
"Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers.. with a cool seductive smile.
"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the couch......
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when
he noticed a young blonde in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her
breasts almost falling out.
He simply couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he concluded
the sermon hastily, dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman
after everyone else left the church.
"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?" the Reverend
demanded in his sternest lecturing tone when they were alone.
"Why Reverend," the young blonde replied, "All of my boyfriends tell me that
they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head
between her tits.
After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels
singing!"
"Of course not, Reverend." she giggled, fondling his rigid manhood, "you're
not plugged in yet!!"
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the
eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the
soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's
favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went
to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could
run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the
judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly
old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on
our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one
of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but
all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but
see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and
the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and
walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their
door and says, 'Ticket please.'
I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.. They've told the
public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
mistake - both are in intensive care... One has a dodgy tikka and the
other one is in a korma.
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a
falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We
didn't even know they were living up there'.
Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown
5 times a week now.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed
him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old
daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are
bound to be curious about Sex at that age."
"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up
Abdul, won't it start?"
There Is a Very Instructive Incident Involving
The Life Of Alexander, The Greek King .
Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way,
he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his
face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword
and all his wealth were of no consequence.
He now longed to reach home to see his mother's face and bid her his last
adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not
permit Him to reach his distant homeland. So,
The mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe
his last. He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world
soon,
I have three wishes, please carry them out without fail." With tears
flowing down .Their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their king's
last wishes..
"My first desire is that," said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry
my coffin." After a pause, he continued, "Secondly, I desire that when my
coffin is being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be
strewn with gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my
treasury.
"The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and
continued. "My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling
out of my coffin."The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's
strange wishes. But no one dare bring the question to their lips.
Alexander's favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart.
"O king, we assure you that your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us
why do you make such strange wishes?"
At this Alexander took a deep breath and said: "I would like the world to
know of the three lessons I have just learnt.
Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of King Alexander... I want my
physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor
can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a person from
the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted..
The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the
graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with
me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me.
Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.
And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I
wish people to know that I came empty handed into this world and empty
handed I go out of this world."
With these words, the king closed his eyes . Soon he let death conquer him
and sadly breathed his last . . . . .
Women are basically greedy. They want all things from one man.
While men are so simple that they want only one thing from all women.
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers:
"What does it mean to be British?"
Some of the e-mails are hilarious but, this is one from a chap in
Switzerland ...
"Being British is about:
Driving in a German car
To an Irish pub
For a Belgian beer,
Then, travelling home,
Grabbing an Indian curry
Or
A Turkish kebab on the way,
To sit on Swedish furniture &
Watch American shows
On a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."
The difference between a rooster, Uncle Sam and an old maid is, a rooster says,
"Cock a doodle do,"
Uncle Sam says,
"Yankee doodle do,"
And the old maid says,
"Any dude'll do."
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said,
"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said,
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said,
"Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
If sex Is music of the soul,
An orgasm is the Gland Finale
It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-
Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time.
So, I'm training my puppy the other day, and I forget I have a speech
impediment.
Jeez, now every time I tell him to sit he takes a dump on the floor.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's
a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
What do you call a Florida gynaecologist?
A spreader of old wives' tails
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked
"How many?"
The man replied,
"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said,
"That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said,
"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex much
anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my
new shoes...."
Food is better than a man because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
A man asked his neighbour how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbour replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties
and he used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor, he decided
to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he
asked:
"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you
wear them out?"
Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them
back on again!"
What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
An old man was 89-years-old and he wanted to marry a 24 year old girl.
His son told him,
"You can't marry a 24-year-old girl."
He said,
"Why not?"
The son said,
"If you marry a 24-year-old girl, you'll have to have sex with her and
that could be fatal!"
He thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Well if she dies, she dies."
* 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T. S
Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place,
where most people find pleasure.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby
looks like neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.. Are you having 3 meals a day
as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him......... .."Your tail is in the front"
They say that marriage makes us dizzy, and it's true. As soon as u get
married, u lose your balance at the bank.
* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other
person has, you wish you had ordered that.
Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married. Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
* Husband: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Wife: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
Husband: Its Mutual!
Dear Banta
Vahe Guru !!!
I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm
writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved
20 miles.
I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here
took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not
have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able
to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will
remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated
right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. His job is to
cut the grass at the grave yard.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is
a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and
he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after
he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave
there for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
with Love
Your Mother
To make a bull sweat, give him a tight Jersey.
If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass', turn her over.
What bracha (Hebrew prayer) does one say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of 3 blessings:
1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - Bless you God for
straightening those who are bent.
2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - Arise and come.
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - Bless you God for raising the dead.
The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD.
But it turns out he was just allergic to wool.
A man walks into his doctors.
The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He replies,
"It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."
The doctor says,
"Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a
look for you."
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants.
After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says,
"I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."
To which the man replies,
"I know, it's a fucking beauty, he?!"
Men are like.....
Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
that delicate position?
A: Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and
dragged her into the bushes.
"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're
being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans.
"If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and
proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was
startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came
over early and had complained of
Having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while"
Rushing up-stairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed,
"I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start."
Misconception:
A pregnancy that begins while using birth control.
These days the only real "safe sex" involves going out with a man
who's impotent.
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package
and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz,
"Heard You went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got
back Okay... But you look so sad. Why??"
Sally,
"Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz,
"Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally,
"Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I
needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find
it."
Liz,
"I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally,
"Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice
and a bird cage."
Liz,
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?"
Sally,
"Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
"I think my boss is into cyber sex."
"What makes you think so?"
"I noticed that lately he's gotten very good at typing with one hand."
There was this church that had a very big busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played.
They distracted the congregation considerably, mainly the men present.
The very proper church ladies were appalled! Something had to be done
About them or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to put
alum on them and maybe they would shrink in size.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol - we will not hath a
Thermon today !!"
A good girl keeps her eye on the clock;
A bad girl keeps her eye on the calendar.
A divorced man, upon meeting his ex after two years of separation said,
"Listen honey, just for old time's sake, why don't we have a leisurely
dinner, share a few glasses of fine wine, go to my apartment and
really make love?"
"Over my dead body!"
"There you go! - You haven't changed a bit"
A blonde tried to blow up her unfaithful husband's car.
She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area,
when things started to get somewhat passionate.
So, they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention
to what was going on outside.
All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?"
he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized.
"Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket."
So, the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch
their behaviour.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the
policeman wrote the ticket for.
Her boyfriend replied,
"Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love on
the couch with another man, and he starts yelling at her.
"Oh, great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home; now the whole building
will know!"
The easiest way to figure out exactly when you got pregnant is to have
sex once a year.
Back in the 50's when mothers and daughters actually used to discuss
such things as dating, Carol had been dating one fellow for over three
months and her mother was becoming concerned.
"Exactly what are Bruce's intentions?" she asked her daughter.
"I'm not sure, Mother,"
Carol replied.
"He's been keeping me pretty much in the dark."
I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything.
For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked
on the organ.
A chastity belt is a labour-saving device.
On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim
wife was bragging about her figure.
"You know, honey," she said, "I can still get into the same skirts I
did before we were married."
"Yeah?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the
ballgame on TV. "I wish to Hell I could."
I was picky who I send this to.
It had to be those who might actually remember.
So, have some fun my sharp-witted friends.
This is a test for us 'old kids'!
The answers are given below.
But, don't cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,
the grateful citizens would ask,
'Who was that masked man'?
Invariably, someone would answer,
I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind?
________________.
02.
When the Beatles first came to the U.S.in early 1964,
We all watched them on The _______________ show.
03 'Get your kicks, __________________.'
04.
'The story you are about to see is true.
The names have been changed to ___________________.'
05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'
06
. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi,
We 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a
dance called the '_____________.'
07. 'N_E_S_T_L_E_S', Nestle's makes the very best . . . . _______________.'
08.
Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.'
Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was _________________.
09.
What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________
________. '
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the front was called the VW.
What other names did it go by?
______ & _______________.
13.
In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about,
'the day the music died.'
This was a tribute to ___________________.
14.
We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it.
It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic
ring that we whirled around our waist. It was called the __
______________.
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13 Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hula-hoop
HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner
Brown.'
The little guy faints and falls to the floor
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always ask s me.....
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my
testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around'
After his exam the doctor asks his elderly patient, 'You appear to be
in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact I do,' says the old man.
'After I have sex with my wife, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then,
after I have it with her the second time,
I am usually cold and shivery.'
The doctor then examines his elderly wife, then asks her, 'Everything
appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replies that she has no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asks her,
'Your husband has an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you
the first time, and then cold and shivery after the second time.
Do you have any idea why that may be so?'
'Oh that!' she exclaims.
'That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time
is in January!'
Anyway... One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to
apologize to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly
done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families
(including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.
On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-law died.
All the daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was
more heart broken than the rest.
Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her
mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still
she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak, the other women asked
her, 'Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that
special?'
The woman, sobbing uncontrollably replied... 'No, she missed the bus!'
God created the donkey and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
............ ......... ......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ..
God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and
you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only15 years.
" God granted his wish.
............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "
The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
Finally God created man...and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish ............ ......... ......... .........
.......... ......... .......
And since then, man lives
20 years as a man ,
marries and spends
30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life.
Washington, D.C. Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007.
The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes.
During that time approximately two thousand people went through the
station, most of them on their way to work.
After three minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing.
He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to
meet his schedule.
Four minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in
the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.
Six minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at
his watch and started to walk again.
Ten minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly.
The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed
hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time.
This action was repeated by several other children.
Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.
Forty five minutes:
The musician played continuously.
Only 06 people stopped and listened for a short while.
About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace.
The man collected a total of $32.
Sixty minutes:
He finished playing and silence took over.
No one noticed.
No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the
greatest musicians in the world.
He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin
worth $3.5 million dollars.
Two days before, Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the
seats averaged $200.
This is a true story.
Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by
the Washington Post as part of a social
Experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.
The questions raised:
In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
Do we stop to appreciate it?
Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best
musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever
written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made....
How many other things are we missing?
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work
and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic
or garage?
Answer: ( They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult
kids will want to store stuff there. )
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work,
but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know.
I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
AND,
If you have not yet retired,
Look what you have to look forward to.
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a
Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she
leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look
window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play
with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
ASK MIKE
Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out
and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the
neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When
I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I
would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I
love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore..
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
--------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by
a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is
no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes
and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
injectors.
I hope this helps,
Mike
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?'
Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature....'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It
looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of
action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
''1955, ma'am....'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need
to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several
times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, After glancing
at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.'
(Gotta Love Military Time)
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange
clay called "pygg".
When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became
known as "pygg banks."
When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that
resembled a pig.
And it caught on.
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's
clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich.
Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the
buttons on the maid's right.
Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on
the right through holes on the left.
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X.
Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfil obligations specified in
the document.
The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a
buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If
a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the
buck" to the next player.
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by
offering him a poisoned drink.
To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a
guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host.
Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the
host's glass with his own.
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage
lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant
light.
In the theatre, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by
the audience to be the centre of attention.
Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez –meaning "help me" -- and
is pronounced "mayday,"
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they
attain, with nine being the highest cloud.
If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well
above worldly cares.
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?
A: In France , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French
for "egg."
When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans pronounced it "love".
Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl
(for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she
loved the Scot game "golf."
So, he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.
To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she
played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very
good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.
In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed
it into "caddie."
Now YOU know!
A single woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she
becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give
birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland
enlargement. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.
After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell
him the baby came from him and that it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor receives the baby and then
operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're
not going to believe this."
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?"
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle!
Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his
son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father!!!!"
1. AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
2. ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
3. CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
4. COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
5. DRAGÉES - Small bead like pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured,
used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.
6. FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.
7. FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
8. HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
9. HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and
a 16th note is a semiquaver.)
10. JARNS,
11. NITTLES,
12. GRAWLIX,
13. And QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
14. KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it
has passed through the buckle.
15. KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles.
It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding
capacity.
16. LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
17. MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
18. NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
19. OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a
limb is 'asleep'.
20. OCTOTHORPE - The symbol '#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs'
Engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining
octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes,
1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.
21. OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of
the eye sockets.
22. PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
23. PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard.
Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the
retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
24. PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
25. RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.
26. ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.
27. SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
28. SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
29. SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people
to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
30. SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
31. TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
32. WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
33. ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup.
Did you know that a man is made up
Of many useless "things?"
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music...
A cock that won't crow...
...And why are you laughing?????
1) The Elder Twin--
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin
brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday.
How come?
2) Manhole Covers--
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can
be solved by lateral thinking techniques.
It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an
interview question for prospective employees.
3) The Deadly Party--
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch.
He then left early.
Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning.
Why did the man not die?
4) Trouble with Sons--
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of
the same year.
But they were not twins.
How could this be so?
5) The Man in the Bar--
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.
The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man.
The man says,
'Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre.
It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a
completely satisfying solution.
Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the
answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
SOLUTIONS:
1) At the time she went into labour, the mother of the twins was
traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on
March 1st.
The boat then crossed the International Date line (or anytime zone
line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a
leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her
older brother..
2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal
of the manhole.
A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole.
So, for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank
the punch the ice was fully frozen.
Gradually, it melted, poisoning the punch.
4) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This
simple little puzzle stumps many people.
They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers.
Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much
simpler one available?
5) The man had hiccups.
The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order
to give him a shock.
It worked and cured the hiccups -
So, the man no longer needed the water.
~Unknown
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic
Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will
explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition set, thus, stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US
economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go
to China. * If you spend it on gasoline, your money
will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
A. Spending it at yard sales, or
B. Going to ball games, or
C. Spending it on prostitutes, or
D. Buying Beer, or
E. Getting tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
So I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I
met at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!
Have fun!! ENJOY!!
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided tohire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch
wasdoing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town an kick up your heels.
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as
she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each
gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as
he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my
panties." By the
light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."
Kuttappan is an Indian.
Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day, "You know..... I know
everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone important, and
I'm sure I will know them. Tired of his boasting, his Boss called
his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?" Kuttappan
replies "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock, on Tom
Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts," Hey Kutz!! Great
to see you! You and your friend must come in and join me for lunch!"
They have a blast of a time. Katie Holmes even personally packs 2
sets of Masala Dosas, which is of course specially made by their
South Indian chef. They bid each other farewell.
Although impressed, Kuttappan's Boss is still skeptical. After they
leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's
knowing Cruise was just lucky. Kuttappan says "No, no, you go ahead
and just name anyone else." "President Bush!" his Boss quickly
retorts.
Kuttappan says "Yes, OK, but I am telling you I don't like him very
much, he is very cunning, anyway let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Kuttappan on the
tour and motions him and his Boss over, saying, "Kuttans! What
a
surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting. The CIA just informed
me Osama is heading for the Pakistan Border, Hey Kuttans, are you
still on speaking terms with Osama, maybe you could confirm the
information for me? Oh never mind! You and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the Boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally
convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses
his doubts to Kuttappan who again implores him to name anyone
else. "The Pope!" his Boss replies.
"Sure! This I like, I've been meaning to see him, he is not keeping
too well y'know" says Kuttappan. "And I have a lot of friends in
Vatican; it's like my second home! And me and the Pope go back a
long way, surely this will be a good trip"
So off they fly to Rome. Kuttappan and his Boss are assembled with
the masses in Vatican Square when Kuttappan says, "This will never
work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you
what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll
come out on the balcony with the Pope." The Boss shakes his head
unbelievably and says "Yeah right!!"
Still so, Kuttappan
disappears into the crowd, headed towards the
Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the
Pope on the balcony, waves to the crowds with the Pope and takes
leave. But by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his Boss has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Walking his way to his Boss' side, Kuttappan asks him, "What
happened?" His Boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you
and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
and "Who's that on the balcony with Kuttappan???
MORAL OF THE STORY- Don't underestimate an Indian !!!
Man after finding another guy in bed with his wife ..........
One day a man returns home from work to find his wife in bed with
another man with his head between her breasts. He cries, "What the
hell do you think you are doing?" The young man replied, "Listening to
music."
The husband pushes the man aside and puts his head between her breast
and listens. "I don't hear any music!" says the husband. To which the
man replies,
"You are not plugged in."
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobi mbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.'
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of
the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a
custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate
one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder
a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger .....
CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest,
and says, "Your turn."
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual .....CLICK
..... empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the
trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with
"Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an
African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few
minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room
are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.
The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will
perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of
courage is this???"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."
My Time's UP?
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you said I had
another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in
Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title
to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the
property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track
down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows.
(Actual Letter)
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years
covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those
working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased,
by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our
application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by
Right of Conquest from Spain.
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the
year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted
the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch,
Isabella.
The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the
Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of
the world called Louisiana ... God, therefore, would be the owner of origin
and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we
know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be
satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"
(He got the loan)
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their
tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says
"Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think
that it is time I made a confession........
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight
years."
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his
wife's eyes and says,
"My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years,
I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could
show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life
a bit ?"
She said "No I don't think you understand
- my name was James and I played rugby for New Zealand
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said, 'I was just in the bath-room powdering my
penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a
suppository; it's up to you.'
1. How d you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think
through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals �
Attend .... Except one. � Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. �This tests your memory. Okay, even if you
did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one
more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
These are BAD..do not proceed unless you have no problems with X rated jokes
One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles
lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked,
"Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home, she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said,
"Honey what happened?"
And Susie said,
"Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus
I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her
down she would have been a goner."
The first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons is that
you can also sit upright in a car.
"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co- worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did
you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"
"No!" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."
The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side
of his desk.
"I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced, "You are definitely pregnant again."
"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly. "You'll
have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"
"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor. "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?"
"I mean a hearing aid, Doctor. You see it's like this. Every Saturday
night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he says, "Now
then-are we going to sleep, or what?" And every blasted time I say,
'What?"
What did the redneck do with his his first 50 cent piece?
He married her!
The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down
to the station.
While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off
the desk and swallowed it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the
guy with passing a bad check twice.
"Mommy, I just found out that our neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!"
"You mean it's small?"
"No it's salty!"
The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way -without turning into a nag-that I can keep my
husband in line?"
The counselor scowled.
"Young lady," he said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"
A federal court has upheld Alabama's ban on sex toys.
Opponents in the state argued privacy rights.
What happens in a bedroom should be between two consenting cousins.
(Alan Ray)
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.
Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents
warned him not to have anything to do with girls.
They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.
Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size,
keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.
He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.
She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on
top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.
He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, Johnny
runs from the class room sobbing and crying,
"Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"
All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning
comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I
didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?"
asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said,
"The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying
him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they Fuck
you every time!"
A blow Job is a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!
The innuendo is more risque than the words themselves..
1. Those who have it,
Would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2. Those who have it
Think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat,
But, think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it,
A phenomenon psychologists call e-mail envy.
5. It's more fun when it's up,
But, this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past,
Its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of
the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
But most folks today, use it mostly for fun.
7. If you use it too much,
You'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
8. We attach an importance to it
That is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
9. If you're not careful what you do with it,
It can get you into a lot of trouble.
10. If you don't take proper precautions,
It can spread viruses. --
Michael Burke, on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage, remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
Ken Brown, commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it
by himself."
Mike Hallett, discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a
hard on now."
Chris Tarrant, discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel
On This Morning:
"She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin, commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King, discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby, talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big, hot sausage inside you on a cold night
Like this."
James Allen, interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder, covering the USMasters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath
away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from
different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because they were laughing so hard!
USPGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is laying so well is that,
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ...
Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing
the Cox of the Oxfordcrew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
Horse. I once rode her mother.
New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
AND FINALLY!!!!
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!"
Have a GREAT day!!!
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks l ater, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here=2 0naked
as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and
the other is in y our oatmeal
===============================================
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you
have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me..
OLYMPIC PUSH -
President Obama and Oprah are in Copenhagen, trying to bring the 2016
Olympics to Chicago.
The big competition is Rio de Janeiro, which is represented by the
President of Brazil, soccer legend Pele and 20 women in thongs.
Here is another one about Blondes; but a little different take....enjoy!!
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed
"YES YES, I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I
thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men.
BUTT BOMBS - Some al-Qaeda suicide bombers, in an effort to avoid
detection, are hiding explosives inside their rectums:
Officials say if you're approached by a suspicious-looking person, no
matter how much he pleads with you, do not pull his finger.
So far, it's only men. Women won't do it out of fear their butts will look big.
To ease the discomfort, they use a new product called "Preparation H-Bomb."
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer
back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening.
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this .......
NAKED IRISHMAN
RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch..
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've
ever heard! Who in the hell did you lend it to, and for how long?'
