Security Tips ...

1. When using three wheelers check under the seat for claymore mines; these
are easily identifiable by the manufacturer's label saying 'This side
towards enemy'.

2. If, when shopping, the South African cricket team or any of its members
enters the building leave rapidly - they are under a situational threat.

3. When asked by the sentries at checkpoints whether you are carrying
bombs, do not reply in the affirmative.

4. When walking on the road in wet weather do not suddenly drop your
umbrella from the vertical to avoid being splashed by all 17 vehicles of a
VVIP's convoy.

5. Under any circumstances do not pretend your umbrella is a gun.

6. If you have small children - do not send them to school until the war is
over.

7. If you are an orphan do not attend two day first aid camps in
Sennacholai.

8. Carry your business cards loosely on your person so that in the event of
a violent explosion they will scatter far and wide giving the firm free
publicity on your death.

9. If you see a VVIP motorcade (5 motor bikes, 2 cars, 10 Jeeps + Limo)
while you are driving, drive on to the shoulder of the road and let them pass. If you are
caught in a traffic jam with them, abandon vehicle and run.

9. Always take a file home. In the event of being caught in a security
related traffic jam sit down in a safe place and do some work.

10. When driving and confronted by a violent situation crawl out of the car
or get on the floorboards. If you own a Maruti follow normal procedure.

11. Do not fly the Eelam flag in Colombo or the Lion flag in uncleared
areas. If you're not sure if the area is cleared or not, fly both flags.

12. Do not join the SLMM.

13. Do not accept lifts from strangers with moustaches and evil grins -
they could be Prabhakaran... or Mahinda.

14. Drink, then you wont feel your skin burn.

15. Migrate (other than to Canada. Next Eelam struggle will be there)