Fwd: Jokaroo

A woman dies and goes to heaven.
As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain.
She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings.
Then, she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I don't want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there," he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there."
"I don't care," she answers. "At least I already have some holes for that!"

 

Flat Tire.
Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.

Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily, a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle.

The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.

"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."

And, without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other.

"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.

The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, manoeuvred it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."
"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

 

 

Weasels.
Two weasels were sitting drinking in a bar when one weasel yelled at the other:

"I F****D YOUR MOTHER!!!"
The bar went quiet and everyone watched to see what would happen.
The first weasel again yelled at the other:

"I F****D YOUR MOTHER!!!
Again, the place was silent until the other weasel said:

"Go home Dad, you're drunk."

Wifey's Warm Spot.
Two newlyweds go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says:

"Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says:

"Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again:

"Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again:

"Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says:

 "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says:

"For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

 

Moose Hunting.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

"Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says:

"Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Weird Fact of the Day:
The first lighthouse was in Alexandria in 290 B.C.