Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

FW: blonde joke

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute Blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "

OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

FW: Lorraine

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that anew girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested inhim too.But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that therewas nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himselfto do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing.

What was he singing, you ask???

Get ready, ...Are you ready? ...

I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone....

Cancel your credit cards!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00!

A family member placed a call to Citibank: *and

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?" Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" !

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Job Change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
Would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the
last 25 years

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

What a woman really wants ??????????

Its real nice story...must read it...

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of aneighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as longas he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year tofigure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to youngArthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. Hereturned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would havethe answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk tothe witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most nobleof the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend!Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had neverencountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. Hesaid nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared toArthur's life. And the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered.Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?"She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life.

"Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.And so it was. Theneighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay beforehim on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch,She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time.And the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day ... or atnight?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament.During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!Or,Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night abeautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?(If you are a woman reading this..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?What Lancelot chose, is given below:BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below...

OKAY?Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the timeBecause he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is...

1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.So, always remember: IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!

COMMUNICATION IN OFFICE!!

From : Managing DirectorTo : Executive Director"Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen."

From : Executive DirectorTo : Departmental Head"By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday."

From : Departmental HeadsTo : Sectional Heads"By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday."

From : Section HeadsTo : Foreman"If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o' clock."

From : ForemanTo : All Operators"Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday"

If you happen to go to Australia and fall ill

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs five dollars... a lot quicker than a doctor."So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits five dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results.
He deposits five dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies

Gotcha ....

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you thinkI am?""About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I wasyoung, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands underyour bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel aroundvery slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs (image placeholder)them against each other.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay.....How old am I?"He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?""I promise I won't" she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Ma in law ...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitablewould have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new look. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty. One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you? "My darling,she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kissing you on the cheek?

Monday, August 28, 2006

Last wishes from Ammi

Sri lankan family in Nugegoda was puzzled when the coffin of theirdead Mother arrived from Canada. It was sent by one of the daughters settled in Vancouver. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin,with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found aletter on top, which read as follows:"Dear brothers and sisters,I am sending our mother's body to you since it was her last wish that: She should be buried only in the cemetery of the All Saints Church in Borella - Colombo. And also she told me to tell all ofyou that you should use A.F. Raymond for embalm works not Barney Raymond or Jayaratne. For Alms giving she said not to invite the entire town and the distant relatives. She said to order (only for our 4families) 65 packets ofMutton Biriyani from Hotel Buhari at Maradana and open only 12 bottles of special Arrack for the guys and only one case of Three Coins for theladies. One more thing she was very particular about the Hearse,which her coffinshould carry from our home to Borella, should be 2002 model Buick Automatic. She doesn't like manual gear old vehicles. DON"T FORGET THESE UNDERLINED REQUESTS ARE FROM HER LAST WISH. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave are consumed and hopefully this time the God will look at us and blessed with a boy. Ajith is working like a donkey for 20 hours a day for 3 companies to save some money for the dowries of girls..................let's go back to Ammi's funeral business. You will find inside the coffin, under Ammi's body, 12 cans of Kraft cheese,10 packets of M&M chocolates, 1 box of Kit Kat, 8 packets ofWrigley's Chewing Gum, 6 tins of Corned beef, 24 packets of Maggie instant noodles and 12 packets each Jelly & Custard powder. Please divide these among all of you. On Ammi's feet you will find new Pair of Reebokshoes (size 10) for Mangalika. Also, there are 2 pairs of Shoes for Rosy's and Bernard's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ammi is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mangal ika and the others are for mynephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Levi's Jeans that Ammi is wearing are for the boys (lanka & Nilanka). The Swiss watch that Lakmali wanted is on Ammi's left hand. The silver colour bangle on Ammi'sright hand is for Lakshmi who becamea big girl five years back. Josephine Aunty, Please, Please remove and take the necklace, earrings and the ring that you are waiting for the past 20 years saying that Ammi had takentwenty five thousand rupees against them for my Akki's wedding.Aunty , I will beg you now to stop telling every one about this money matter. These gold worth more than that and I can get fifty thousand from Hetti Uncle if I go toJayalalitha's. The 6 white cotton socks that Ammi is wearing must be divided among my teenage nephews. And also there are 4 Bras Ammi is wearing. Give two to Seelawathi who is our servant lady andtheremaining two you can give one to next door Charlet aunty and one to Doby Nenda.
Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know, since our Thaththi (Father) is also not keeping well nowadays; so Ican send with him the same way. This way is much easy, cheaper and you don't need to worry about customs, too. bye........

10 Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in (image placeholder)America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Blonde again...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize,
when the blonde pipes up,
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Questions on Sri Lanka

The questions below about Sri Lanka, are from potential visitors.They were posted on a Sri Lankan Tourism Website and the answers arethe actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have asense of humour.Q: Does it ever get windy in Sri Lanka? I have never seen it rain inSri Lanka on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit aroundwatching them die.Q: Will I be able to see wild elephants on the streets? (USA)A: Depends how much you've been drinking.Q: I want to walk from Colombo to Matara - can I follow the railroadtracks? (Sweden)A: Sure, it's only hundred miles, take lots of water.(image placeholder)Q: Is it safe to run around Wanni in Sri Lanka? (Ireland)A: So it's true what they say about the Irish.Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Sri Lanka? Can you send mea list of them in Colombo, Galle, Kandy, Kurunegala, Matara andAnuradhapura? (UK)A: What did your last slave die of?Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Sri Lanka?USA)A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.Sri-Lanka is that small island south of India in the Indian Ocean.Sure, the hippo racing is every Thursday near Diyawanna Oya. Comenaked.Q: Which direction is Jaffna? (USA)A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you gethere and we'll send the rest of the directions.Q: Can I bring cutlery into Sri Lanka? (UK)A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.Q: Heard Brian Adams and MLTR were in SL. Can you send me theentertainment schedule? (USA)A: Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Thursday by the DiyawannaOya straight after the hippo races. Come naked.Q: Can I wear high heels in Sri Lanka? ( UK)A: You are a British politician, right?(image placeholder)Q: Are there supermarkets in Colombo is milk available all yearround? (Germany)A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.Milk is illegal. Try Arrack instead.Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Sri Lanka who can dispenseRatlesnake serum. (USA)A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. AllSri Lankan snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled andmake good pets.Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Sri Lanka, but Iforget its name. It's a kind of huge animal that are dressed andtaken in pagents. (USA)A: It's called an Elephant. You can scare them off by sprayingyourself with human urine before you go out walking.Q: Do you have perfume in Sri Lanka? (France)A: No, WE don't stink.Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Canyou tell me where I can sell it in Sri Lanka? (USA)A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (Germany)A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

The perfect husband.......

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in he room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much? WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that t price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ! ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." M AN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Women always win

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she. ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Dating is a serious game.

Read the two parts and date older women!

PART 1

Hidden Signs Of Dating!The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hiddensigns, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about aperson. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.- No foreplay.2. Can't hail a cab.- Impotent.3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.- Prefers virgins.4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.- He is a virgin.5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.- Will swallow.6. Takes too long deciding what to order.- Has trouble reaching orgasm.7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.8. Asks for "the usual"- Insists on missionary position only.9. Asks what the specials are.- Will want you to use handcuffs.10. Fills up on bread and crackers.- Premature ejaculator.11. Drinks decaf.- Fakes orgasms.12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.13. Credit card is refused.- Low sperm count.14. Under tips waiter.- Small penis.15. Uses toothpick.- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

PART 2

Advantages of dating older women...An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of thenight and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older womandoesn't care what you think.An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A youngerwoman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will costyou 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after acup of herbal tea.An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the daywithout looking like she just had an adventure inside a jamjar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.Older women can run faster because they're always wearingsensible shoes.There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an olderwoman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy,whiny, dependent man.Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you thatyou are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young womanwill say nothing, just in case it means you might break up withher.Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can'thelp you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She'susing you!Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dialPizza Hut Take out.An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. Ayounger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you,in case you get any ideas...Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having anaffair, because somehow they always know.Older women often own an interesting collection of lingeriethat they have acquired from admirers over the years. Youngwomen often don't wear underpants at all, thus practicallyeliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.Older women know what Kegel exercises are.An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for ameal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front ofsomebody that they might possibly boff later.Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screamingmatch with you in the middle of the night in a public park.An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirementto go on an amusement ride.An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best yearsof her youth because chances are someone else has stolen themfirst.

CHILDBIRTH THROUGH A CHILD'S EYES

Due to a power cut at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark,so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight highover her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

THE STORY OF TWO COWS

DUBAI SYSTEM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resell the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention. QATARI SYSTEM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.SAUDI SYSTEM: Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows .. the debate is still going on.BAHRAINI SYSTEM: You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment. LEBANESE SYSTEM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah. EGYPTIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. Both are mummies! AMERICAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.FRENCH SYSTEM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows. RUSSIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.BRITISH SYSTEM: You have two cows. Both are mad. AUSTRALIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You give one to the Americans and one to the British and you go back to milking sheep.INDIAN SYSTEM: You have a garland made, photo taken and pray when the cow is run over by a rickshaw. Basically you worship them and treat them like shit.

SRI LANKA SYSTEM

You have two cows. One was the Prime Minister the other was the President.

Funnies..

Dog Watch

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

The Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

Time

SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15." SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

The Burnt Ears
One day a man was going on the street. He met a man who asked him what had happened to his ears as both ears covered with bandages. (image placeholder)
He said: "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, i pick up the iron, so i burnt my ear."
The man asked "So what happened to your other ear?"
He said "That same stupid guy called again"

Only for blondes

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth."I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies."O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife."No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?""No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.""Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black.""Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.""Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.""Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.""Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!""What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked."Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Drunk, drunker, drunken...

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for,
I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch".
"We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking round pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that bee reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*tting in bed!"

NO SEX SINCE 1955

NO SEX SINCE 1955A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala Event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.She said "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?""Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious Manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"You think so? It's only 2130 now."LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

The end of Geico commercials.........

Now, where can I find that damn duck??

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Proof That The World Is Nuts:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animalsmust be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable bydeath. (Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but isprohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may onlysee their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside anddeflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the firsttime.Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that evencomes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, (image placeholder)but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fishstores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the firsttime this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and herdaughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with oneexception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "inplaces where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight andalways falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some peple like that)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

IT IS NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA.....

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City andasks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officerthat he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.The bank officer tells him that the bank will needsome form of security for the loan, so the Indian manhands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on thestreet in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees toaccept the car as collateral for the loan.The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a goodlaugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari ascollateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of thebank then drives the Ferrari into the bank'sunderground garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had yourbusiness, and this transaction has worked out verynicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you wereaway, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would youbother to borrow "$5,000"The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can Ipark my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expectit to be there when I return'"Ah, the mind of the Indian.......This is why India is shining.......

FW: Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Security Tips ...

1. When using three wheelers check under the seat for claymore mines; these
are easily identifiable by the manufacturer's label saying 'This side
towards enemy'.

2. If, when shopping, the South African cricket team or any of its members
enters the building leave rapidly - they are under a situational threat.

3. When asked by the sentries at checkpoints whether you are carrying
bombs, do not reply in the affirmative.

4. When walking on the road in wet weather do not suddenly drop your
umbrella from the vertical to avoid being splashed by all 17 vehicles of a
VVIP's convoy.

5. Under any circumstances do not pretend your umbrella is a gun.

6. If you have small children - do not send them to school until the war is
over.

7. If you are an orphan do not attend two day first aid camps in
Sennacholai.

8. Carry your business cards loosely on your person so that in the event of
a violent explosion they will scatter far and wide giving the firm free
publicity on your death.

9. If you see a VVIP motorcade (5 motor bikes, 2 cars, 10 Jeeps + Limo)
while you are driving, drive on to the shoulder of the road and let them pass. If you are
caught in a traffic jam with them, abandon vehicle and run.

9. Always take a file home. In the event of being caught in a security
related traffic jam sit down in a safe place and do some work.

10. When driving and confronted by a violent situation crawl out of the car
or get on the floorboards. If you own a Maruti follow normal procedure.

11. Do not fly the Eelam flag in Colombo or the Lion flag in uncleared
areas. If you're not sure if the area is cleared or not, fly both flags.

12. Do not join the SLMM.

13. Do not accept lifts from strangers with moustaches and evil grins -
they could be Prabhakaran... or Mahinda.

14. Drink, then you wont feel your skin burn.

15. Migrate (other than to Canada. Next Eelam struggle will be there)

The Young Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell', just can't stay on the church roof!"

XX - Emotion

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the

First guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked, one with his willy in a bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

FW: How it works in Washington

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" $1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

XX - Senses

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go into my apartment; I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Chinese humor

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake which was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their " freedom".

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize.

FW: INDIANS !

A recently arrived Sardar in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides
to become a 'handy-man' and starts looking for some work in an upmarket
colony nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner,
another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. "Well, you can you paint my
porch," the owner says.

The Sardar responds, "How about $50?"
The owner says "Fine - there's a can of brown paint and brushes in the
garage."

The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation says to
her husband, "Does he realise that the porch goes all around the house?
That's a whole day's job."
The man replies, "He should; he was standing on it. Do you think he's
dumb?"

"No, I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those stupid Surd
email jokes we keep receiving."

A short time later, the Sardar comes to the door and asks for the $ 50.
"You've finished already?" the husband asks.
"Yes," he replies, "and there was some paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to
him.

"And by the way," the Turbanator adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW!"

FW: JOB INTERVIEW.. OH THOSE IRISH

An Irishman applies for a job which requires a compulsory maths test. " Right", said the Foreman, "here's your first question."

"Without using numbers, how would you represent the number 9?"

"Without numbers " said the Irishman, "Dat's easy" and draws three trees on the piece of paper.

"What's this? the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine." says the Irishman

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Applying the same rules, using 99 this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a little while, then picks up the picture he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare you go "

The Foreman scratches his head and says ,"how the devil do you get that to represent 99?"

"Well", said paddy, " each tree is dirty now, so that's dirty-tree and dirty-tree and dirty-tree which makes 99"

The boss starts to get worried now that he might have to give him the job. "O.K. " he says, "Final question, same rules apply now represent 100".

The Irishman ponders for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a mark at the base of each tree.” ere you go, data’s it. One Hundred."

The boss looks at the picture and bursts out," You must be nuts if you think I'll believe that represents 100"

The Irishman leans forward, points to the little marks at the bottom of each tree and says,"Dat's where a little dog has crapped by each tree, so now you've got dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd and dirty-tree and a turd and DAT equals 100. When do I start the job"

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala Event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies In attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.

Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious Manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,

"You think so? It's only 2130 now."

LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

FW: Honeymoon with the ex-priest

On their honeymoon, Susie slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new ex-priest husband had settled down on the couch.

When Susie asked Jim why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, Susie remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

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