TO ALL MY EMAIL BUDDIES

As we progress through to the year 2012, I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year 2011. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public restroom..

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2 coin dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician
. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY...AND A HEALTHY LIFE