XX - Adult Puns!

As the subject lines says - ADULT

Best firewall Ever:
1. One human cell contains: 75MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains: half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains: 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains: 2.25 ml semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to:
(37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second =
1,6875 Terabyte/sec
This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5
terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package,
thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!
The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets
through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour
today after 'beating' the world's #1 golfer.
The win came after the top golfer played the wrong hole.

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one,
"This is for the shame," and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one,
"This is for the shame" and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering, what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and
he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants

Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to
do about sex (one would have thought it's intuitive, but there you
have it).;
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to
undress and get on the bed and he would show them what to do.
The young woman undressed as she was told by Maury and preceded to get
on the bed.; Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps
involved in making love, in every possible position.;
When he was finished, he said to Pauly,
"Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman said,
"Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do... ; he is a little forgetful."

Every time I sit down to try to take a dump, I start reading the
newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business.
I think might I have: Attention Defecate Disorder.

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go
back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

The members of a certain Indian tribe had a custom.
If they weren't married, rather than defile the young tribes-women
sexually, they would go and satisfy their sexual needs by their own
hands, aiming their discharge at small, round hills.
These were known as semen knolls.