XX - Adult Puns!

Double x rated..

Uncle John, who was in his eighties, went to live in a nursing home
because of 'Alzheimers'.
I gave him a call to see if he was up for a visit.
He said,
"Sure come over about 2, and will you bring me a couple tubes of KY
jelly. Oops, I got to go, I have a date. See you then."
I arrived and was walking down the hallway when Uncle John came out of
a room with a lady on each arm.
He introduced me to the ladies, then he and I walked to his room.
I handed him the bag with the KY jelly, and I asked,
"What do you use it for?"
"Well, my boy," He said to me with a wink. "This place has more women
than I can shake my dick at."
I replied,
"Oh Wow, Uncle John, I didn't know you could still do it at your age."
He looked at me in a strange way and said,
"Do what?"

If Iran penetrated Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut
back on expenses quickly.
As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem.
He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex
and retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held.
Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on
him, he knew she was one of the chosen.
"Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior
to our session." replied the girl.
"You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always
prevails."

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered...
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

A Judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet."
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by
the Jewish faith.
The judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony, like a Bris?"
"Yes," she replies, "Very similar, only in this case you, get rid of
the entire shmuck!"
("Shmuck" in Yiddish is the equivalent of "Prick" in English)