XX - Adult Puns!

Remember these are XX ated.

A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they
were alone in the church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered.
"How about standing up?"
"Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in,
they'd think we were dancing."

A masochistic homosexual is a sucker for punishment.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse.
Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and
drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says,
"Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but your not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says,
"Screw that, I can do that myself!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

I knew my husband was messing around on me.
But I just never could catch him in the act.
But I still had suspicions.
One day, I cut my leg with the razor while I was shaving.
I looked in his shaving kit for that little styptic pencil to stop the bleeding.
I found K-Y Jelly!
I knew WE never used it.
"Ah Hah!" I said to myself.
"He's been messin' around on me on the side!"
Well, well, well! I decided to get a syringe and I filled it with Tabasco sauce.
Then, I injected it into the K-Y Jelly tube.
What a blistered dick he had! I can only hope!
I'm wondering if she got a little feel of it, too!!
Never sell yourself short.
Unless you're a midget hooker.

It seems that a group of men who were employed in the wine industry
preparing the corks for capping each bottle as it was filled were
having a national convention at a convention centre in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin.
At the same time in the same centre a group of women who worked in the
garment industry making maternity clothes were also holding a
convention.
On the last night, the convention centre hosted a joint party with an open bar.
As expected, these men and women took full advantage of the free
drinks well into the night.
A wild free-for-all fight broke out, and the police had to be called
to restore order.
In his report, the police captain wrote that in his thirty years on
the force he had never before encountered a more rowdy gang of cork
soakers and mother frockers who insisted on fighting and brawling
until the police fired shots into the air.

A survey on the most alluring female thighs showed that:
18 percent liked slender thighs,
23 percent liked firmer larger thighs,
But most generally went for something in between.

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them
down BAM! BAM! BAM!
Then, he orders three more.
The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but
is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the
problem?"
The guy answers,
"I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone.
I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour.
So, I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl
of cream."
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another.
"So, you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says,
"It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."