XX - Adult Puns!

Seen on the back of a septic tank service truck:
"We'll take crap from anyone!"

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple booked
the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel.
As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he thought to himself,
"At their age, they're booking the honeymoon suite. What a laugh!"
That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the lobby opposite
their suite.
All night long, all he heard was giggling and clapping coming from their room.
He couldn't believe his ears.
In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them,
but being curious, he asked the husband how he could do what he did at
his age.
"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I remove all my
clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then my wife removes all her
clothes. Then..."
"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently.
"Grinning, the elderly husband replied,
"Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet."
"You make a BET?" exclaimed t he bellhop. "What bet?"
Smirking, the husband explained,
"If it falls to the right, I win; and if it falls to the left, she wins."
"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop.
"Then, we both win!" replied the husband.

Confucius says,
"Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand."

New girl friends like a fresh roll of toilet paper.
It may be hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one
off anytime.

Wanting to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in
Virginia where I work. They accidentally walked up to the offices
where hunting licenses are sold.
"We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?"
The clerk replied,
"No, but I can give you a three-day permit."

Giving a blow job a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls.

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally
consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son
fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his
advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed,
"I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of
weakness I sinned twice!" John said,
"What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!"
Jill looked at John and said,
"Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?"

When John asked the call girl if she was free tonight, she replied,
"No. But I am reasonable."

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
"Hello" she says.
"Hello" says the male voice at the other end.
 "I'll bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt
and blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made
hot, sweaty love to you...."
The Jewish lady replies,
"From 'hello' you can tell all this?"

911 Call: Woman: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those
Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there." [giggle]
Dispatcher: "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?"
Woman: "No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do
those exercises I have an orgasm."
Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, did you say 'orgasm'?"
Woman" "Yes. Am I doing them right?"
Dispatcher: "Sounds like it to me!"