XXX - Adult Puns!

According to a new study, 20% of men do not know how to properly put
on a condom.
You know what they call these men?
Dad.

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain. Do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I
told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

The best secretary in the world to have is the one that never misses a period.

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might
happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the
poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air,
filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
"Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to the woman
next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight, and remember that
this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again." The husband
rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind,
he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and
says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants
sixty."
The wife 's face slowly turns red with anger,
"Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over
here, I only charged him fifty!"

Raggedy Anne was kicked out of the toy box because she kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face saying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.
A big bouncer says,
"Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!" The gay man
looks around and says,
"I think you're bragging, but I'm game if you are."

The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem.
Every time I want sex, she says,
"Wait."

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody
stupid with it."
"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used
to get once a month."