XX - Adult Puns!

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week"
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who had
practically nothing on?
When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home.
While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella.
"I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.
"You don't have much to say, do you?"

Sheri and Rosey were were talking about the new hottie in the neighbourhood.
'But he acts so stupid.' said Sheri.
'I think he must have his brains between his legs.'
'Yeah,' sighed Rosey, 'but I'd sure love to blow his mind.'

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The hot nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger.
After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away
the excess blood.
She can't find one, so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his
finger, and sucks it.
The guy is so heated up he asks;
"Do you think I could also get a urine test done?"

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said,
"How can you tell them apart?"
He said,
"Her brother's got a moustache!"

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender,
"The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiles and asks,
"That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
"Why should I be unhappy?" replies the guy, "They saved me a
fortune... Both of them are pregnant!"

The difference between a man and a vibrator is one is cold and
impersonal, and the other needs a battery.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."