XXX - Adult Puns!

Some are really crude...so if a prude...stay away...

Q: What type of music sounds like periods in a woman's life?
A: Rag Time

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
"Mum, where do babies come from?"
"Well dear, a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into their room, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled.
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how
you get a baby."
"Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, dear."

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm not welcome back at KFC.

My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what
seemed likae years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup.
My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for
birth control.
I gave the only possible response I could:
"The Atlantic Ocean."

Most males in a men's room are stand-up guys.

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.
He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.
He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful
hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he
wants to make love to her right now.
The hooker says,
"Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."
Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker
that he will have the money in about an hour or so.
The hooker says,
"No money, no lovin'"
Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.
She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy
to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she
reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand
and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when
you have $$$.
Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from
his bank finally arrives.
He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".
He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but
alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts
rubbing his penis frantically.
At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked
at this sight.
Tom says to the maid,
"Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.

For his 60th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to an elderly medicine man living on
a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have the absolute cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
certificate to the medicine man and wondered what type of hokey pokey
was in store.
The medicine man told him,
"When you take this, say 1-2-3 & you will be ready."
As the man walked away, miracle in hand, he asked,
"How do I stop this from working?"
"Your partner must say "1-2-3-4".
When she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon", he replied.
The man was very eager to see if the stuff worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, doused himself in cologne & took a spoonful of the
miracle medicine, then called his wife into the bedroom.
When his wife came in, he said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began ripping off her clothes, when she suddenly asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for ?"
Which is why it is improper to end a sentence with a preposition,
because you could find yourself with a dangling participle.