X - Adult Puns!

Two farmers, farmer Bob and farmer Dan, are having beers in the local bar.
Farmer Bob is a younger man, somewhat new to the farming business.
Conversely, farmer Dan has been doing it for nearly 20 years and is
the most successful man in town.
After a few hours of drinking, farmer Bob gets up and says,
"I'm gonna go home to feed the beaver."
Farmer Dan asks,
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Farmer Bob replies,
"Well, my wife doesn't know about it, but I like to use names of
chores on the farm for having sex."
A few months later, farmer Bob's tractor breaks down.
He's so distraught, he decides to drown his sorrows at the local bar.
After sulking for a few hours, farmer Bob decides to return home.
To his surprise, he finds a brand new tractor in front of his house.
He begins to jump for joy. He runs inside to look for his wife.
Farmer Bob says to his wife,
"Honey, where did this great tractor come from?"
His wife replies,
"Well, farmer Dan gave it to me. All I had to do was handle his eggs,
and milk his udder!"

Hannibal Lector didn't eat people that work at Texaco because they give him gas.

Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every
gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear.
When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic
medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and
tender.
The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and
applying it to the area.
It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie
still in considerable discomfort.
So he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community.
In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks.
The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating.
"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed.
"What's the diagnosis?"
"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but
the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."

The movie star's fans were disappointed in his first nude movie
because he had a very small part.

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the
firm's new secretaries.
"I just don't get it." said one.
"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the
floor he's getting off on."

Guys... Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she
walked by it.
She finally entered the shop one day and said,
"Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?" "
Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

The fastest way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly.

Pete, a very proper man started going into the neighbourhood chemist
every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the pharamist, Jim felt he had to say something to Pete.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky!
How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
Pete looked at him in disgust and said,
"I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, Jim asked,
"Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
Pete answered,
"I feed them to my poodle. This way when she goes to the bathroom, she
shits in little plastic baggies."