XX - Adult Puns!

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in
the middle of the night.
05 percent said it was to get a glass of water,
12 percent said it was to go to the toilet,
83 percent said it was to go home.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been on her knees more times than
Billy Graham

A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She answered,
"Well, that depends on what's in it for me."
Three convicts were on their way to prison; a mobster, a drunk, and a
TEXAS Aggie.
Each was allowed to take one item to help pass the time while incarcerated.
On the bus, the drunk guy turned to the mobster and said,
"So, what did you bring?"
The mobster pulled out a box of paints and explained that he intended
to paint anything he could.
He wanted to become the DA Vinci of the prison system.
Then he asked the drunk,
"What did you bring?"
He then pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The Aggie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked,
"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
Pulling out a box of tampons, he said with a smile,
"I brought these."
Puzzled, the other two convicts asked,
"What can you do with THOSE?"
Pointing to the box, he replied with a grin,
"Well, according to the box , I can go horseback
-riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.
"Christian or Muslim?" the sales assistant inquires.
The man asks : "What's the difference?"
The sales assistant says : "The Muslim one blows herself up."

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the
convent was a problem.
She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.
"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick
in and wick out."

The square root of 69 is "ate something." (8.xxxxxxx....)

Wire Services Late Night Edition, San Francisco, California --
Police were called to the scene where Mr. Frank, an irrigation canal
repairman was found beaten to death in a back alley.
Sam had been dispatched to repair a leaking barrier which was supposed
to be keeping water out of a lower-than-sea-level apartment complex
near 3-Com Candlestick park. Eyewitnesses described how he had
unknowingly entered a women's gay bar and asked the patrons where he
might find the crack in the dike.
The 86 year old man was acquitted of rape because the evidence
wouldn't stand up in court.

Since Frat was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and relatives
were stunned when he got married, and even more when his wife became
pregnant.
One day, a group of them spotted Frat on the beach and they came right over.
"So, Frat, how'd it happen?" asked one of them, with a wink at the
woman's ballooning belly.
Frat blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing next to his wife.
"I have that marvelous young man to thank," he explained.
"Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend.
"Not entirely," replied Frat with a giggle and a grin. "He's our go-between."

There's something about women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put
my finger on it.

"Doctor!" cries the embarrassed bloke, "I have a bad sexual problem. I
can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"OK," says the doc, "bring her back with you tomorrow. Mr Thomas, and
let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fella returns with his wife.
"Take off your clothes please, Mrs Thomas," says the doc.
"Now turn all the way around.
"Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, you can put your clothes back on."
The doc takes the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he says. "Your wife's so ugly she didn't
give me a fuckin' erection either.