XX - The Man Test

A little rude but read on if you are a ...MAN

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a
queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and
doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer
- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said
get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched,
you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and
undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as
a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf
Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a
man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might
as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have
memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can
pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're
gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or
denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the
time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger,
or hold his beer.