Humour from the RD.

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

Old in Some Ways.

One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant,
"How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"
"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.
"That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."
"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said.
I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts
of her do."

First or Second?

As part of a cooking demonstration I was attending in a large
auditorium, the host awarded gifts to people in the audience who had
traveled the farthest, the couple who had been married the longest,
and so on.
Holding up one item, he asked,
"Is there anyone here who has been married less than a month?"
At first the room was silent.
Then, from the back someone called out,
"Which time?"

Achy Back.

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief.
After a search I found what I was looking for:
A selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all
on the bottom shelf.

Penniless.

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had
just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through
her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that
bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

Lost the Keys.

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in,
looking for her husband's keys.
We searched high and low without luck.
I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone
anywhere near it."

What a Card!

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to
the card store.
Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another,
opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which
way.
"Tyler, what are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card
for Daddy yet?"

"No," he replied. "I'm looking for one with money in it."

Paying Attention.

When a nosy fourth-grade student wanted the scoop on what another
teacher and I were discussing in private, I decided it was time for an
impromptu lesson in manners.

"Do you know what 'minding your own business' means?" I asked pointedly.

He didn't, but a student clear across the room shouted,
"I do!"

Daily News.

The irate customer calling our newspaper offices loudly demanded to
know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," I interrupted, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

There was a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of
recognition.
"So that's why no one was in church today."

Out of Control.

The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie
we'd rented.
Then, my husband had a brilliant idea:
"Why don't we use the PlayStation?"
We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work.
So, we gave up and went upstairs.
We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway.

"Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said.

"We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we
couldn't get past the parental control screen."

"What a shame," our son said as he smiled and closed the door.

Colour Problems.

A favourite story among colour-film processors concerns the negative
of a poodle which a woman sent to a photo-finishing lab.
When the print was made, the dog came out looking green. Figuring that
there must have been a mistake in the colour balance, a problem which
plagues colour processors, the lab tried again and again, and finally
got the dog to come out a kind of improbable tan.

The woman who sent in the negative was furious when she got the
picture of the tan poodle, which, she informed the lab, she had dyed
green.