JOB AVAILABLE.

JOB AVAILABLE.
Subject: JOB DESCRIPTION.
Position: DAD.

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational
skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing.
Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis
management.
Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box,
because you most likely will need it for a school
Project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing
budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more
than me!" for the rest of your life.
Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse
conditions while simultaneously practicing above
Mentioned skills in conflict resolution.
Must be able to choose your battles wisely and then stick to your guns.
Must be able to withstand criticism, such as, "You don't know anything."
Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs
$5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case
This time the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
Stuck zippers.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices.      Must screen
phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple
homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because
fund-raiser will be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions on the
fly such as "What makes the wind move?" or
"Why can't we just stop all wars?"
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Other responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially
Independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance,
No pension,
No tuition reimbursement,
No paid holidays and
No stock options are offered.
The job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs for life, if you play your cards right.