Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: July 2009

Friday, July 31, 2009

No Speak English.

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily
ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real
problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her
butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how
to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to
show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave
her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a
way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you

thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because
I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car
hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bxxxx...why else would I buy dog food??

Why Planning is important?

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could
not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said
that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the
tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back
and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They
thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared
well in the last 3 days.
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The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

See Below for the question Paper

Q.1. Your Name........ .......... ......... (2 MARKS)

Q.2.. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Mouse at the Lion's Wedding

A lion was getting married....

at his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion

"All the best my brother.... goodluck....."

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married
is his brother another lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks:

"Who the hell do you think you are?

How can a lion be your brother you are just a mouse"

The Mouse replies:

"Maybe you aren't married yet, but I too was a Lion before marriage"

Wisdom of An Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of
course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman endowed like you,
she appears out of nowhere.'

Monday, July 27, 2009

Another cat story

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even
have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots
back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the
cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be
empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will
be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I
said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in
a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl.

2.. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the
lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash'
and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that
there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Sincerely,
The Dog

The Economics of the Millenium

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this
year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a
guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy,
but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middleclass in New
York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who
has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to
ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've
dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is
my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential
area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not
enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names
and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a
few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are
able to marry rich guys

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

..........................................................................

Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of
girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me
to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income
is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone
believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a
business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very
simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying
to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides
beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a
deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be
gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase
from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence
from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you
are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but
exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will
be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position,
dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value
dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long
term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel
to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with
great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over
$500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will
not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to
marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a
rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than
finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services,
do contact me...

signed,

J.P. Morgan

Sunday, July 26, 2009

XX - The Drunk and the Blonde . . .

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few
seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills
the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and
spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and
licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more
times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She
decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?' he asks the blonde She
answers: 'Because he has got.............

(Can you Try and Guess her answer)
(Even if you dont, your gonna love this)...... See below:

A LICKER LICENSE!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

X- Father John & bath....

Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared
the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone. ' Oh, sister, ' said the young nun dreamily, '
I've been saved. ' ' Saved ? And how did that come about ? ' asked
the old nun. ' Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he
asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand
down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.
' ' Did he now ? ' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene
continued, ' And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my
lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his
Key to Heaven into my lock. ' ' Is that a fact ? ' said the old nun
even more evenly. ' At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said
the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God
would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good
being saved. ' ' That wicked old f**ker ' said the old nun. ' He told
me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowin it for 40 years !

A Judge's Dilemma

In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was
right opposite to a church. The church and its congregation started a
campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed
daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to
open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it
was burnt to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till
the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the
church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible
for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect
actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for
the act of God. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked
over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of
prayer and we have an entire church that doesn't.'

Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.

  After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
  they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
  room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
  the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.

  The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
  tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
  worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

  The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
  hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
  available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

  'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
  goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
  the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood
  , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with
my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

Friday, July 24, 2009

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your
Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman and the priest , ' came
the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that
noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are
they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME ' !

X - A parrot with no legs

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You
can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The
parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if
I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Grand Pa's Advise - always listen

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you
gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a
couple a bambinos"

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your Rolex and
say "Times up"?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Men Will Always Be Men.....

After a heart scare, Sol's doctor comes into his room and reports,
"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well.
You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year- old lad.
We're going to send you home tomorrow.
You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise
that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well.
I have no worries with my heart.
Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before,
Wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says,
"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions.
I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love.
Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that
everything was OK...
Maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected.
But the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him,
"Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note.
Let's see, here's my prescription pad:
'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a
fifteen- year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex
any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz".
Now, I'll just address this.......
By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that,
'To Whom It May Concern?"

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat..

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I

Betcha you cannot resist passing it on

DO-IT-YOURSELF TIPS FOR REAL MEN.

Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square.
Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it.
Tell everyone it's the door to your attic.
(Not recommended for basement apartments).

Ant invasion.
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of
abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent.
Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up
one-by-one and drown them in your pail.
Or simply squash them with your shoes and use the mixture to clean up the mess.

Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long.
With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten
to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again.
Break all his crayons.

Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container.
Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home.
Burn down their house.

Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer.
Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company.
Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed
killer included.

Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half.
Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50- 50 with tonic.
Add ice.
Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry.
Move couch over mark.

Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover.
Read paint remover directions carefully.
Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled.
Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard.
Notice that solvent can kill grass.
Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue.
Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ...

Annoying drips.
Don't invite them over anymore.

Has this happened to you yet?

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Humour from the RD.

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

Old in Some Ways.

One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant,
"How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"
"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.
"That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."
"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said.
I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts
of her do."

First or Second?

As part of a cooking demonstration I was attending in a large
auditorium, the host awarded gifts to people in the audience who had
traveled the farthest, the couple who had been married the longest,
and so on.
Holding up one item, he asked,
"Is there anyone here who has been married less than a month?"
At first the room was silent.
Then, from the back someone called out,
"Which time?"

Achy Back.

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief.
After a search I found what I was looking for:
A selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all
on the bottom shelf.

Penniless.

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had
just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through
her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that
bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

Lost the Keys.

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in,
looking for her husband's keys.
We searched high and low without luck.
I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone
anywhere near it."

What a Card!

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to
the card store.
Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another,
opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which
way.
"Tyler, what are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card
for Daddy yet?"

"No," he replied. "I'm looking for one with money in it."

Paying Attention.

When a nosy fourth-grade student wanted the scoop on what another
teacher and I were discussing in private, I decided it was time for an
impromptu lesson in manners.

"Do you know what 'minding your own business' means?" I asked pointedly.

He didn't, but a student clear across the room shouted,
"I do!"

Daily News.

The irate customer calling our newspaper offices loudly demanded to
know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," I interrupted, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

There was a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of
recognition.
"So that's why no one was in church today."

Out of Control.

The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie
we'd rented.
Then, my husband had a brilliant idea:
"Why don't we use the PlayStation?"
We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work.
So, we gave up and went upstairs.
We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway.

"Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said.

"We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we
couldn't get past the parental control screen."

"What a shame," our son said as he smiled and closed the door.

Colour Problems.

A favourite story among colour-film processors concerns the negative
of a poodle which a woman sent to a photo-finishing lab.
When the print was made, the dog came out looking green. Figuring that
there must have been a mistake in the colour balance, a problem which
plagues colour processors, the lab tried again and again, and finally
got the dog to come out a kind of improbable tan.

The woman who sent in the negative was furious when she got the
picture of the tan poodle, which, she informed the lab, she had dyed
green.

XX - The Blonde & The Arab

One day the traveling dildo salesman
visited a new town and went about plying his wares to all
the wives who were home.

He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his
wares. She thought for a
little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and
the large black one. Eventually, she bought the large black one.

He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second
wife. She too, bought the
large black dildo.

He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.

He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the
fifth wife, a stunning
blonde. She didn't think a moment before saying,
"I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman
looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and
charged her double what he normally charged for the large
black one.

When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had
gone. He replied it had gone well. "How many dildos did you sell?" she
asked.

"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones..... .......and my
thermos."

---------------

The Arab

An Arab gentleman is drinking a mocktail in a Dubai bar when he gets
a call on his cell
phone.He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders
around of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his
wife has delivered a baby boy weighing 22
pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 22 pounds, but
the Arab just
shrugs.

Congratulations showered on him from all around, and many
exclamations of 'WOW!'... One
woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say
you're the father of
the baby that weighed 22 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been taking bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So
how much does he weigh
now?

The proud Arab father answers, '17 pounds.' The bartender is
puzzled, concerned,
and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 22
pounds the day he was
born!'

The father takes a slow swig from his long-neck virgin mocktail, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised'......

Friday, July 17, 2009

X - Test

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he
can tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a
can of blue paint and a shovel.'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball
red and the other ball blue, and if she says,
'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with
the shovel.'

the secret behind a happy marriage (FYI)

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect
each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my
wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's
decisions."

Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"

Y said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount
to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not
etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like, whether
Mugabe should stay in power or not?, whether America should attack
Iran?, whether Israel should be charged with war crimes?, whether
Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe , or whether Sachin
Tendulkar should retire?.

Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

Great Quotations

1. "Well done is better than well said."
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

2. "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance
to put its pants on."
Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

3. "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are
truly endless."
Mother Teresa (1910-1997)

4. "Liberty, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth."
George Washington (1732-1799)

5. "The time is always right to do what is right."
Martin Luther King, Jr.(1929-1968)

6. "All the adversity I've had in my life, has strengthened me. You
may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the
best thing in the world for you."
Walt Disney (1901-1966)

7. "Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today."
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

8. "The difference between a successful person and others is not a
lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."
Vince Lombardi (1913-1970)

9. "It is better to light the candle than to curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

10. "A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."
Dwight Eisenhower (1890-1969)

11. "The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in
rising every time we fall."
Nelson Mandela (1918 - )

12. "We must become the change we wish to see in the world."
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

13. "The best and most beautiful things in life cannot be seen, not
touched, but are felt in the heart."
Helen Keller (1880-1968)

14. "Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."
Henry Ford (1863-1947)

15. "Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music."
Ronald Reagan

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Mothers advice...

Mothers advice to be passed on to her daughters... -

* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

* If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
all up there.

* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

* Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
can tell them apart.

* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.

* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

* Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

* Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

* The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

* If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque-books.

* Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.

Love tips from kids...

Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date,

They just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her
a big ring and her own VCR,

Cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens,

But I heard it has something to do with how you smell.

That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell,

I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look.

Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to
marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.

I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check.

Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a
lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.

You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat.

Make sure it's something she likes to eat.

French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking,

Yeah, I really do love him.

But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser.

It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Flu - the new way

How to avoid it...
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stressfrom your life as you can..

Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'

XX - The Man Test

A little rude but read on if you are a ...MAN

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a
queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and
doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer
- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said
get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched,
you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and
undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as
a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf
Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a
man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might
as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have
memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can
pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're
gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or
denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the
time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger,
or hold his beer.

Monday, July 13, 2009

X - Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... salty!"
Mom fainted.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

From the records of the Institute of Mental Health (IMH)

Record I
One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off,
what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm.. that's normal...So if I were to cut your other ear off,
what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop down..."

Record II
IMH has an old lady who wears black everyday, carries a black umbrella
and squats @ the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or
shine. The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her and decided
to start by understanding her behavior.

So, the doctor also wear black and carries a black umbrella; squatted
outside together just next to her, rain or shine, everyday without
fail. So...days goes by... the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a
single exchange of words for one solid month...

One fine day, the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the
doctor:"Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record III
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. . She got curious and went to
take a peek.. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write
a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ? I haven't received the letter,
how would I know??"

Record IV
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of
them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground. After a
while, the patient rolling shouted to the top: "Hey! How come you are
not coming down yet?"

The patient on top replied: "No.. no... I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record V
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...? I think I'm a chicken since I
was born..."
Doctor: " that's very serious...Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to lay the eggs..."

Record VI
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH. He discovered a
flat tyre when he tried to drive off after unloading the stuff. He
jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

As he was about to fix on the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the
bolts into a deep the drain brimming with rain water. The truck driver
could not fish the bolts up.

An IMH patient walked past and asked the driver what had happened. The
driver thought to himself, what solution an IMH inmate could offer,
but nevertheless he told the patient the whole incident out of
politeness.

The patient replied: "can't solve such a simple problem...no wonder
you are destined to be a truck driver..." said the inmate

"You just have to take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it
onto this tyre. Drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing
ones"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart so why are
you in IMH?"
Patient replies "I am here because I'm crazy, not STUPID!"

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Say It Isn't So!!!

You can always tell if a man is henpecked because...

He wears the pants in the house - under his apron.

He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

His wife doesn't have to raise the roof;
All she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

He always has the last word - he says,
"I apologize".

The last big decision she let him make was whether
To wash or to dry.

He was a dude before marriage -
Now he is subdued.

He married her for her looks,
But not the kind he's getting now.

She even complains about the noise he makes,
When he is fixing his own breakfast.

He goes to a woman dentist -
it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.

Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bended knees.
She dares him to come out from under the bed.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Tongue Twisters.

1. If you understand, say "understand". ]

If you don't understand, say " don't understand".

But if you understand and say "don't understand".

How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
**********

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish
the witch wishes,

I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
**********

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
**********

4 ..A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see.

And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.
**********

5 .. Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People
**********

6 ..If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch
which watch?
**********

7 ..I thought a thought.

But the thought I thought wasn't the thought

I thought I thought.

If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I
wouldn't have thought so much.
**********

8 ..Once a fellow met a fellow in a field of beans.

Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, can a fellow
tell a fellow What a fellow means?"
**********

9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside.

Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside.

Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside.

Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.

Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going
outside or coming inside.

Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr
Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
**********

10..SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE ,

BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS,

ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES
**********

11.. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his
inside outside his inside inn.

**********

12..If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors
the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring
doctors?

Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor.

Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way
or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the
doctor's way"
**********

13..We surely shall see the sun shine shortly.

Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether
the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the
weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not.

Watch Whether the weather is hot.

Whether the weather is cold.

Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.
**********

14..Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely .
**********

15 .A flea and a fly in a flue said the fly "Oh what should we do?"

Said the flea "Let us fly."

Said the fly"Let us flee."

So they flew through a flaw in the flue
**********

16..If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be
twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.
**********

17.. Mr. See owned a saw.

And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.

Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore..

Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw
would not have sawed

Soar's seesaw.

So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

But, it was sad to see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw .....

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Humour.- Superb especially last one

Winter Home

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack
of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband
confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero and we awoke
to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he said, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Sharing Things.

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on
problems in the rectory that required immediate attention.
"Your roof needs repair, Father," she said.
"Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not working."

"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed,
"you've been the housekeeper here five years, and I've only been here
a few days.
Why not say our roof and our furnace?"

Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the bishop and
several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office, terribly
upset.
"Father, Father," she blurted, "there's a mouse in our room and it's
under our bed!"

TRAFFIC CAMERA.
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.

He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even
though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny.

So, he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the
traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled
past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

The Pope's Alaskan Bear Hunt.

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard
a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote
for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about
and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Sarah shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.

The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then, using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup
truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back
seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly
proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican
loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with
my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was
that guy?"

"Dude, that was was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct
contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

What Teachers Make.

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man,a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his
best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:
"Those who can, do.
Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest;
"You're a teacher, Bonnie.
Be honest.
What do you make?"
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,
"You want to know what I make?"

(She paused for a second, then began...)
"Well,
I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honour.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents
can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie
rental...

You want to know what I make?"

(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)

I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to
know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where
All my students feel safe.
I make my students stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag,
Because, we live in the United States of America.
Finally,
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given,
work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)
"Then,
When people try to judge me by what I make,
I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...
You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make?"

THERE IS MUCH TRUTH IN THIS STATEMENT: "Teachers make every other profession."

JOB AVAILABLE.

JOB AVAILABLE.
Subject: JOB DESCRIPTION.
Position: DAD.

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational
skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing.
Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis
management.
Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box,
because you most likely will need it for a school
Project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing
budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more
than me!" for the rest of your life.
Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse
conditions while simultaneously practicing above
Mentioned skills in conflict resolution.
Must be able to choose your battles wisely and then stick to your guns.
Must be able to withstand criticism, such as, "You don't know anything."
Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs
$5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case
This time the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
Stuck zippers.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must screen
phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple
homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because
fund-raiser will be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions on the
fly such as "What makes the wind move?" or
"Why can't we just stop all wars?"
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Other responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially
Independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance,
No pension,
No tuition reimbursement,
No paid holidays and
No stock options are offered.
The job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

Friday, July 03, 2009

What smells?...........

Maxine took her car to her mechanic.
She told him, "Every time I
Take any of my friends out in my car,
After a while there is this terrible smell !! .
It never happens when I am driving alone"??

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said,
"OK, lets go for a spin
And see what the problem is."

Off they went.
She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction.
At 70 MPH, swerving,
Hitting the curb on both sides of the street,
Narrowly missed three pedestrians in
Pedestrian crossings,
Ran several red lights,
And just missed a
Policeman on street traffic duty.
Then, they returned to the shop, and she said,
"There it is now.
there's that terrible smell! Can you smell it?"

"Smell it?
Lady, I'm sittin' in it!

WHAT IS A FATHER?

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anaesthetic.
He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared
half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child''s eyes.
He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks.
Never quite the man his son believes him to be.
And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to
Smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes...and would run the
other way except that war is part of an
Important job in his life (which is making the world better for his
child than it has been for him).

Fathers grow older faster than other people, because they, in other
wars, have to stand at the train station and
Wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board.

And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and
beam...outside... And die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men who aren't nearly
good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than
anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily.
They hurry away from the breakfast table off to the arena, which is
sometimes called an office or a workshop.
There they tackle the dragon with three heads: Weariness, Works, and Monotony.
And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.

Knights in shining Armour; fathers in shiny trousers. there's little
difference as they march away each workday.

And when Father passes away, and after a good rest, he won't just sit
on a cloud and wait for the girl he's loved and the children she bore.
He'll be busy there too...repairing the stars, oiling the gates,
improving the streets, smoothing the way.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FATHER WHEN...
      1. You know you're a father when, your famous last words are,
"Ask your Mother."
      2. It use to be wine, women and song! Now it's kool-aid, Mom and Barney!
      3. You use to walk to school in three feet of snow, uphill both
directions!
      4. You know what "Honey Do's" are.
      5. You Favourite Football Team is in the Little Leagues!
      6. Everything starts with, "Well, when I was a kid."
      7. You start sounding like your Father!
      8. You can't understand how your six year old, turned sixteen over night!
      9. You can recite the entire McDonald's Menu by heart!
    10. You look at your children's sleeping little faces, and tears
come to your eyes!

THINGS DAD WILL NEVER SAY.
      10.) Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to
stop and ask for directions.
        9.) You know, pumpkin. Now that you're thirteen, you'll be
ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
        8.) I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative
attitude. I like that!
        7.) Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy!
        6.) What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating
not good enough for you, son?
        5.) Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You
might want to consider throwing a party.
        4.) Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or
something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
         3.) No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring. Now, quit your belly aching and let's go to the Mall.
         2.) What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty
of money for you to spend.
         1.) Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's no big deal!

Tenjewberrymuds, :):)

Guess what does Tenjewberrymuds mean?

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.

You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

This had been nominated for the best email of 2007.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in
the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.
Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sumteen??
G: 'Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs.'
RS: 'Ow July den?'
G: 'What??'
RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'
G: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'
G: 'Crisp will be fine.'
RS: 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'
G: 'What?'
RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'
G: 'I don't think so.'
RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'
G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means.'
RS: 'Toes! Toes!...Why Jew don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'
G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine.'
RS: 'We bodder?'
G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'
RS: 'Wad! ?'
G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'
RS: 'Copy?'
G: 'Excuse me?'
RS: 'Copy...tea. ..meel?'
G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'
RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder
on sigh and copy....rye? ?'
G: 'Whatever you say.'
RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'
G: 'You're very welcome.'

Thursday, July 02, 2009

SIMPLE FACTS.

· Did you know you share your birthday

With at Least 9 other million people in the world?

· The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

· When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had

Segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

· The human heart creates enough pressure when It pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

· Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

· On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

· The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

· "I am."
Is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

· The longest word in the English language is 1909
Letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

· It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

· Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have
a full moon.

· You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

· Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza .

· Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

· Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

· In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

· Babies are born without knee caps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

· The most common name in the world is Muhammed.

· The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II,
Moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

· Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than
All of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

· One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because
Cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp
Farmers...they saw it as competition.

· You know that you are more likely to be killed
By a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

· Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

· There are 2 credit cards for every person in the US.

· The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

· If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,

You would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
Is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

· Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds,
Dogs only have about ten.

· Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
But our nose and ears never stop growing

IQ of small children!

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are
first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses - until they stop running...

2. Strike while the - bug is close.

3.It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.

4.Never underestimate the power of - termites.

5.You can lead a horse to water but - How?

6.Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.

7.No news is - impossible

8.A miss is as good as a - Mr.

9.You can't teach an old dog new - Math

10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.

11.Love all, trust- Me.

12.The pen is mightier than the- pigs..

13.An idle mind is - the best way to relax.

14.Where there's smoke there's - pollution.

15.Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.

16.A penny saved is- not much.

17.Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.

18.Don't put off till tomorrow what- you put on to go to bed...

19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to
blow your nose.

20.There are none so blind as- Stevie Wonder.

21.Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.

22.If at first you don't succeed- get new batteries.

23.You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box

24.When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.

25.A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you...

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than - Pregnant

Wisdom of a Retiree

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one
of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and
margaritas into urine.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Monday, July 27, 2009

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Friday, July 24, 2009

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Monday, July 13, 2009

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Friday, July 03, 2009

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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