Mild Jokes...on a Sunday!

Be Careful What You Ask For.

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said,
"I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at
or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."

Umbrella Thief.

A man gave all of his seven umbrellas for repair at one time and told
the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from
work.
On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the
woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.
The woman started yelled,
"Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief."
The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before
getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.
In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under
his arms and started walking towards home.
Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.
The lady commented,
"Seems, you had a profitable day at work today."

Suspicious Wife

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she
went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch
darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the
door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her...
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the
lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"Yes, ma'am!" stammered the DRIVER.

Relationship

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for services.
He was asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice,
"No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied,
"No money in the bank."
The nun asked,
"Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said,
"I only have an unmarried sister who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not unmarried, Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied,
"Then send the bill to my brother-in-law. "

Sleep Better.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied,
"I'd like to have some birth control pills".
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me but you're 75 years old.
What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded,
"They help me sleep better"
The doctor thought some more and continued,
"How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said,
"I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Understanding

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said,
"Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women.
I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they
give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say
'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge "

The biggest liar

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says,
"Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers,
"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells
the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,
"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Speed!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
He thinks to himself,
"this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two
in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as
ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand,I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this
whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189" !!!!!

Childless Couple.

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children.
After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were
still unsatisfied.
Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your
prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly.
In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm
visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said,
"I am sure everything will work out just fine for you.
My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years.
But, when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.
While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the
promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago.
So, he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence
of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the
doorbell.
Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!
Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he
entered the house.
More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the
midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered!
And where is your husband?
I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"
"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
"To blow out that candle you lit!"

Wildlife Zoology

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule
and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
After one week, a test was held.
The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.
In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student
to identify the birds from their legs.
The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.
Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the
test on the teacher's desk.
"This is the worst test I have ever given."
The teacher looked up and said:
"Young man, you have flunked the test.
What's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said:
"You tell me..."

Ugly Baby.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed
her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the
bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said,
"He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

The Difficult Customer.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to tell him about the situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no problem, damn it!" the man says, "I just won 50 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account
in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

All's fair in business.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign reading,
"BEST DEALS."
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading,
"LOWEST PRICES."
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read: "MAIN ENTRANCE."

Once Is Enough.

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest.
He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
"No, thanks," says the manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I
didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a
sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.
"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but
didn't like it."
Then, the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.
"I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you
to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."
Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

Rifle Shop

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

Peanuts.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
"why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

Election results.

An American, Japanese and a Sri lankan were boasting about how
effective the electoral processes in their countries were better than
one another.
The American was the first to speak.
He said elections in his country were so perfect that results were
announced in less than 24hours.
The Japanese laughed at the American and said results in his country
were announced less than 12 hours after the election.
Not wanting to be rubbished, the Sri lankan laughed at the American
and Japanese and enthused
"Results are announced in my country even before the election ".

The Devil You Know.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone wakes up early and goes
to their local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk
about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in their frantic efforts to get away from Evil
Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. Satan approaches the man and says,
"Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says,
"Yep, sure do."
Satan asks,
"Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says,
"Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says,
"And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Complicated name.

A Tamil guy named "Anantharaman Subbaraman" arrived at the New York
airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the
authorities to call his name.
He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet.
They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as
"Another man Superman"

King "Yama."

A man died and went into the skies.
King "Yama" met him at the Gates of Heaven and said,
'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked
at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or
bad.
We're not at all sure what to do with you.
Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?'
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied,
'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being
harassed by a group of goons.
So, I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang.
He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a
ring pierced through his nose.
Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him, he and his
gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal
with me!'
'I'm impressed,' King "Yama" responded, 'When did this happen?'
"About two minutes ago", came the reply.

A young man.

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to
get married.
His father was happy for him.
Cheerfully, he asked his son who the girl was, and the young man told
him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son,
"I'm sorry to say this son but I have to.
The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother."
The young man again brought three more names to his old man, but ended
up more frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So, he decided to go to his mother.
"Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said
they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."
His mother smiling said to him,
"Aagh! Don't worry my son; you can marry any of those girls.
You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father!!!"

Movie by the name Gavaskar

Sunil Gavaskar hears about a movie called "GAVASKAR" newly released in
Australia. He feels quite flattered, he knew the Aussies always liked
him, despite his run in with 'Dennis Lillee' and all Gavaskar then
gets himself invited for the premier, after sitting through the whole
show he realizes that there wasn't a single mention of him or his
great achievements in the movie.
He approached the producer visibly upset.
"How come you make a movie called 'Gavaskar' and have no mention of me
in it at all"?
The producer replies:
"Don't make such a fuss ... you Indians made a movie called "BORDER"
where there was no mention of Alan Border either"

Dominant male.

Men and Women on planet earth die from various places throughout the
world at a particular moment in time and go to God's abode to be
judged.
The God welcomes this new batch and tries his experimental new
judgement trick and says,
" I want all you humans to form two queues.
One line is for the men who dominated their women, and the other one
for the men who were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go away from here so that no man and
woman can talk and I can talk to men alone."
When the women were gone, the Almighty returns and there are two lines.
The line for the men who were dominated by their women is a hundred
miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is
only one solitary man.
The God about to open his third eye of anger, thunders,
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him!"
"Come and tell all them henpecked, my brave son, how did you manage to
be the only one in this line?" God asked.
The nervous man replies,
"I don't know sir, but my wife told me to stand here, until this is over."

What kind of ?

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked,
"What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied,
"Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated,
"What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled,
"What kind of -ese are you . Are you a Chinese, Japanese,Vietnamese!,
etc......???" The Japanese then replied,
"Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked:
"What kind of 'kee' are you."
The American, frustrated, yelled,
"What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said,
"Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"