Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Top Draw

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

peanuts n chipmonks

A young lady, visiting the London zoo, asked the keeper where the
monkeys were.

Keeper: "They're in the back, having sex."

Young lady: "Would they come out for some peanuts?"

Keeper: "I don't know. Would you?

My Personal Comment: I would probably say leave the peanuts by the door... and get the hellouta here. How about you?
--------------------------------
Las Vegas Churches

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT
THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO
CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE
DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN
MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF
ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU..?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Letter from Ruthie

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Short and funny..Quotes

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make
Equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses...without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

************

The Wisdom of Steve Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my
stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees
things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

This is HILARYous

New admittance rule for Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in

sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and
yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell
to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my
hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged
it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It
plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was
Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day
was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been
under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I

guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the
side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below
mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,
starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some
trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right
away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off
the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the
Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Trump
enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost
too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the
Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was
like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

Moral of the story: Never hide in the referigerator when you are so high up above ground....

Monday, January 29, 2007

USA DURING THE YEAR 1 9 0 6

THE YEAR 1906

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 : ************************************

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years old.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City

cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more

heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st

most populous state in the Union .

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 Cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist made $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian between $1,500 per year,

and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month , and used

borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from

entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and

Alaska

hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea

hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over

the counter at the local corner drugstores . Back then pharmacists

said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,

regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian

of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )

There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing

it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States,

possibly the world, in a matter of just Seconds !!!!!!!!!

Just Try to imagine.....

what it may be like

in another 100 years !!!!!!!

IT STAGGERS THE MIND !!!!!!!!!

A Memorial Funny

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As
the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to
her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned
in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand."

"No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church,
and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
Memorial Stone."

Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness,
how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

Aah to be a Blonde ..

A Man walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this

alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his

Mouth for one minute.

"Then he'll open his mouth

And I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this

Spectacle,

Each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar,

Dropped his trousers,

And placed his Johnson and related parts in

the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth

As the crowd gasped.

After a minute,

The man grabbed a beer

bottle and smacked the

Alligator hard on the top of

its head. The gator opened his mouth

And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,

And the first of his free

Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another

offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly

Spoke up..........

"I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard

Forgetful Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line,

"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Good quote ...

...a good laugh

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a
gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the
pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

Sex, church & pancakes

Teen age sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact
the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on
birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the

woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to
shake the preacher's hand He said "Preacher, I'll tell you,
that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't
use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I
put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned

about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there

was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Dirty Cars

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Friday, January 26, 2007

Dating Ethnics

The returns on dating different races.....

WHITE WOMEN · First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. · Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. · Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN · First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. · Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. · 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN · First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. · Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs. · Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-caratring. · 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. · 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress .

JEWISH WOMEN · First Date: You get terrific head. · Second Date: You get even more great head. · Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN · First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. · Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. · Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN · First date: Meet her parents. · Second date: Set the date of the wedding. ·
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN · First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. · Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. · Third Date: You get to pay her rent · Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN · First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. · Second Date: She's pregnant. · Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousin s, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN · First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. · Second Date: You are shot dead. · No third date

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:

1. Save the whales - Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like - Night.

3. On the other hand - you have different fingers

4.  42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5.  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm - but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria - They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

17. Hard work pays off in the future - Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder .

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened

25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates - it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

God Oh God

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note,
Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.

Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an

earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative

fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he

replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods

him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

(I always wondered how this trend got started).

8 Special Gifts

1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT...
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank you."

xxx - New Words for 2007

TESTICULATING . Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline

was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER . A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps

on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS . The process by which people seem to absorb success and

advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of >spending an entire day swimming

upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM . An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING . When someone yells or drops something loudly in a

cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.

(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs . Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What

yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to

stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD . single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY . A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and

whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE . The fine art of whacking the crap out of an

electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE . The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above

the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often

profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless

paperwork and processes.

404 . Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message

"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND . That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that

you've just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT . Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of

buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff

member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is

known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE . One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a

'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS . Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a

booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS . The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home

after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live,

how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND . A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely

impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there

worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you

go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS . The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're

in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so

the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI . The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning

before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-

Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM . A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she

looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Thursday, January 25, 2007

HEARING PROBLEMS

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response, so the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this... )

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

No offence

You gotta love this one!

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!

INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?

Hi-Tech Bar

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. . .

The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic. He returned and took a seat.

Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool … Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh . . . 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

XXX - Sad News - Sir Elton John to Divorce

His husband, David, is having sex behind his back.....

Healthy Levels of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A

air Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "IN."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. dontuseanypunctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard."

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

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