For those who haven't heard: New Zealand just passed both laws - gay
marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana
were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because
Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be
stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember
these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
The Penis, hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Reply:
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
An elderly man on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at traffic
lights. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car you got there sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO,
it can do up to 320 miles an hour," he said proudly. "Mind if I take a
look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes
his head in the window and looks around. Sitting back on his Moped,
the old man says, "Nice car, but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then
the light changes and doctor floors it to 160mph. Suddenly, he notices
a dot in his rear view mirror getting closer. He slows down and
suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something flies past him. He speeds up to see
what it is and up ahead of him, he sees the old man. Amazed that the
Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
Moped at 275mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him. He takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 320mph. Again, he sees the Moped bearing down on him. The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he and do! Suddenly, the
Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari. Unbelievably the old man
is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a
doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers,
"Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!"
Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an SMS to his
Mother-in-Law. "Your product is not matching my requirements."
Smart Mother-in-Law replies – "Warranty expired, manufacturer not
responsible after seal is broken."
A lawyer came home after having sex in his car.
Girl forgot her bra and panty in car.
The wife found them, tore them up and shouted: U dirty bastard u have been
screwing your secretary.
Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back.
Stupid woman..U..have just destroyed the only evidence of a high profile
rape case I have been working on. U can now forget about diamond necklace u
were asking for.
Wife fell on her knees, crying & trying 2 repair d torn pieces & lawyer
walked away with a smile...
Moral: Start studying LAW
Sign on a railway station in Bihar:
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.
***********************
Seen at beauty parlour in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!
***********************
Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
The more success, The more relatives.
***********************
Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.
***********************
A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never
will be
***********************
Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the
manager
***********************
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
***********************
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
***********************
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
***********************
Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
***********************
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
***********************
There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
***********************
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got
married...
And then it was too late!
***********************
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'y' becomes silent.
***********************
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY 'F's?
Count them again.
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke..
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 'F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind this is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all 6 'F's on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
·
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles; U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies,
'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit.
It means someone stole the tent.'
A language professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative.
However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up
"Yeah, right."
Ford announced today a new car built specifically for Southern California
freeways.
It's called a stationary wagon.
Weather forecasters' thinking is sometimes clouded.
To become one, you need a lot of degrees.
Forecasters who aren't paid enough may start a storm of protest after some
brain storming.
Arguments about the weather usually blow over.
Today freezing rain was predicted, and sure enough it was an ice day.
A guy bought a skipping rope because his doctor prescribed pills for;
Two days running and then skip a day.
Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends.
Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied
more upon the theories of Carl Jung.
One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where
they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive
into the sidewalk.
Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
Max extended his hand and said,
"Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually seen a
Freudian slip."
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone
"lLke hell, they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery.
Turn to the New Testament however, and there we are admonished to "Love our
Neighbor"
Go figure!
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price.
So, she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said
"Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said
"That can't be right !"
The clerk says
"Oh yes, it's right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
But
Who wants to live in an institution?
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble...
The doctor hopes you fall ill...
The police hopes you become a criminal...
The teacher hopes you are born stupid...
The coffin maker wants you dead...
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!!!
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,
pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she
decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop
she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she
looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER
BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME
AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!
So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin, brandishing a revolver,
yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo
mate!"
You have it?
What is confidence????
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: "It is an uncrewed aircraft."
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's
software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a
different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he
replies: "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's
IT systems department, this plane won't even take off!!!! ."
That is called Confidence!!!
ODDS & ENDS
1. The Worst Slogan Translations Ever
2. The Racoon Coat
3. The Dead Mule
4. Good Sex For Golfers (Adult Content)
5. The Prom (Adult Content)
1.
THE WORST SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS EVER
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read,
"It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in
an American campaign:
"Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan,
"Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on
the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan,
"It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as
"it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first
class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather"
campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in
Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read
"Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the
Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It
Doesn't Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending
on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent
"kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
2.
THE RACOON COAT
Back in the roaring twenties raccoon coats were the rage, especially
among the college set in the ivy league schools.
Just any raccoon coat wouldn't do.
It had to be a full length duster almost reaching the floor to really
be in style.
John, a young man with a very rich but miserly father who was entering
his freshman year at Harvard was surprised to learn when he moved into
the dorm that he just couldn't fit in without a raccoon coat.
He pleaded with his father that he just had to have a raccoon coat or
would never make it at school.
After several letters back and forth his father agreed to purchase a
beautiful coat on one condition.
The condition was that the coat must not be damaged in any way during
the next four years.
If there was any damage to the coat at all after four years the John
would be disinherited and have to go find a job on his own.
He would not be allowed to join the father in his very prosperous business.
John quickly agreed to the conditions without thinking of the implications.
The father bought the best raccoon coat money could buy, then had
several members of his staff count the number of hairs on the coat.
They found there were exactly 1,524,203 hairs.
A second group of staff members recounted and confirmed there were
1,524,203 hairs.
The coat was then carefully sealed in a package and sent off to
Harvard with a note informing the John of the hair count.
When John received the coat he was overjoyed that his ostracism by his
fellow students was soon to end.
Then he read the enclosed letter.
He showed the coat to all his friend but was afraid to wear it under
any circumstances for fear of damaging it in some manner.
After everyone had seen the coat he resealed it in its box and placed
it on the shelf in his closet.
He often showed the coat to new friends but could never work up the
courage to wear it until his senior year.
Harvard was playing Yale for the conference championship in football.
He bought nine tickets to the game, three seats behind his, the seats
to either side, and the three seats in front.
He was going to be damned sure no one spilled drink or mustard on his
beloved coat.
He didn't enjoy the game at all because of his concern for his coat.
Immediately after the game he returned the coat to the closet where it
had been for three years after carefully spending several hours
recounting the hairs.
All 1,524,203 were intact but after such a tedious job he made a mistake.
He didn't reseal the bag in which he had been storing the coat these many years.
During the night a campus moth crawled under the door of the closet,
fluttered up onto the box and crawled inside.
He had a feast but being a small moth one hair was all his tiny
stomach could hold.
He emerged from the box, fluttered from the closet and flew up onto
the light fixture to get warm and have a nap.
The next day the hapless student decided to recheck the hair-count.
It took him hours but when finished he knew he was in trouble.
There were only 1,524,202 hairs.
He wailed in despair at the top of his lungs.
All his fraternity brothers came running into the room expecting the worst.
John recounted the whole story about his fathers conditions and his
impending fate.
In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened.
He listened to the story in amazement.
As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad.
Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
3.
THE DEAD MULE
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS.
And bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied,
"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said,
"OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked,
"What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said,
"We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said,
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said,
"We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,
"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,
"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,
"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said,
"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
4.
GOOD SEX FOR GOLFERS -
Here are the Rules
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed
bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for
the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a
private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means
of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with,
and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners
request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
5.
THE PROM
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it.
So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a
date for the prom yet?"
He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her
brother nods.
She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells
his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he
will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so
the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on
Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that
his sister talked him into taking her.
Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance. "
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this
is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at
the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh... all right. "
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after
a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some
place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over
somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both
of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each
other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.
"Hey... " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?
I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him
on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing,
she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister
had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a
lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
Did You Know ...
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side.
If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.
For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink.
If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
The Mercedes-Benz motto is "Das Beste oder Nichts" meaning "the best
or nothing".
The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at
Something pleasing.
An average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean,
But rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the vicar: "good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"
Two notoriously lascivious young women, Teri and Julie, were comparing
their experiences at the previous night's annual company Christmas
Party.
"Did you get laid, Teri?" asked Julie.
"Twice!" exclaimed Teri.
"Only twice?" said Julie.
"Yeah," explained Teri, "once by the band and once by the accounting
department."
A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But
it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him
to sleep first.
A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite
bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene.
Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said,
"I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."
Her husband sighed and said,
"All right, I'll stop doing it."
Paramedics rescued a 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in the
vacuum cleaner.
The man stated his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual.
He didn't want any attachments.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of ten years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started.
What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?
A dead stiff.
Two Columbia yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to
'out-status' each other.
The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really
learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said,
"I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said,
"Take it from me, pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
A man and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the
husband, "and the next-door neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or
it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
Twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders are called:
A scrotum pole!
I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian
couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid
taunting another when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."
The difference between a chicken and a baby is a chicken is
The result of a sitting hen
While the baby is the result of standing cock.
A steward who worked on a clipper
Was quite a bit of a nipper;
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And circumcised the skipper.
*****
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
*****
I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.
*****
A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."
*****
There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
*****
There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck
and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a
rare huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared
with
lipstick. '
What happened to you,' asked Hillary? 'Well,' the driver replied, 'the
farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine,and their
beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!' 'My God, what
did you tell them?'
asked Hillary.
The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it. '
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES:
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.
EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.
The REMOTE CONTROL:
Female.
Ha!
You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
POOR GRAMMAR IN JOLLY OLD ENGLAND ......….…
These are extracts from letters sent to the Leicester Council and
other British Housing associations written by members of Indian ethnic
groups.
1. I want some repairs done to my wife's cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in my back passage. And their 18-year-old
son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
3. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew
them off.
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
6. I request permission to remove and change my drawers in the
kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the
rest are plain filthy.
7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
8. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
color and not fit to drink.
9. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
10. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much
for me.
11. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
12 .Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of
me every night.
14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of
a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
Charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. Was elbows!
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I
will stop telling the truth about them."
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to
be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
These have been around before but they always make me laugh.
I hope you get a chuckle or two!
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!
1..
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.
2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.
3..
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.
4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'
5..
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.
7..
Things you buy now will
never wear out.
8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.
9..
You can live without most things
but not your glasses.
10..
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.
11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.
12..
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13.
You sing along
with elevator music.
14..
Your eyes won't get
much worse..
15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.
16..
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
18..
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.
19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all
in big print
for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now!
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!
(1) To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!
(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he
wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in
monthly installment.'
(3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'
(4) The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does
anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one
to brush mum's teeth.'
(5) 4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.
(6) What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.
(7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!
(8) A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and
frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and
enlarge it.'
(9) At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.
(10) The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled,
head bowed and reduced in size.
(11) Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
<image008.jpg>
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
10. You wake up at 3am. To go to the bathroom, and check your email on
the way back to bed.
09. Your firstborn is named dotcom.
08. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
07. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.
06. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free Internet access.
05. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com….
04. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
03. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
02. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
And the No. 1 sign that you know it's time to join e-mailers anonymous:
01. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your
dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam
can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change
supplier I think.
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans
On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in Northern redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already
in the United States
OH be quiet ... Just pass it on!.....
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seemed much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'living in the past !'
We used to go for weddings
Football games & lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And while the night away.
We used to go out dining
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home & take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near & far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in a car.
We used to go to night clubs
And drink a lot of booze.
Now we stay at home at night
And watch the evening news.
That my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So enjoy each day & live it up,
Before you're too damn old !
BRILLIANT SRI LANKAN HUMOUR
There was once a married couple, named Punyawathi and Karunadaasa.
They had a son who was about 22 years old.
One day this couple thought of opening a Tours & Travel business.
So they bought a bus and, using the first two letters of their names,
they called it "PuKa."
(Punyawathi + Karunaadasa).
After a while the business began to do very well; Puka Tours was in full swing.
Now this son of theirs began an affair with a girl whose family
wanted to find out more about him. So they went to the girl's house
to meet her parents.
However, only Punyawathi was at home as Karunadasa was at the river
washing the bus.
When the guests asked where Karunadasa was, Punyawathi replied: "Puka hodanava".
Obviously, the guests were quite upset about these people's language,
and sat down to talk.
The girl's father then asked Punyawathi from where they got their
income.
Punyawathi replied: "Pukenma thamai".
When the guests, now quite shocked, decided to leave, Punyawathi
stopped them saying:
"Poddak innako, dan Karunadasa awilla ogollo serama pukenma arii."
Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.
Next day he says: Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, the wife couldn't take it and asks her husband:
Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day, today is a
fine day.. I am fed up. Stop it.
says Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will
leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet' The doctor
then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil
ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,
we aint got done yet.' The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran
out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...
'Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f??kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before..
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods"
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough.. to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas
leaks.. and they blame their dog..
SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
IT WILL MAKE SURE THEIR DAY IS Great.!
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells
his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I
hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't
help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is
perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the
fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did ! " replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight ".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench
saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to
the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says,
"Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now
re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to
Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse
replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to
hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down
and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b*****d put his head in a plastic bag and
he suffocated.
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed
to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house, with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call
from Home Depot, who installed them. The guy there complained, that
the work at my house had been completed, a year ago, but that I still
hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo?!, just because I'm blonde, it doesn't mean that I am also
automatically stupid?! So, I told him, just what his fast-talking
sales guy had told me, last year. That these windows would pay for
themselves, in a year. Hellooooo!? It's been a year, so they are paid
for, I told him.
There was only silence, at the other end of my phone line. So, I
finally hung up. That guy, never called me back. I bet he felt, like
an idiot.
..........................................................................................
A man went to his lawyer, and told him, "My neighbour owes me US$ 500,
and doesn't want to pay me. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?", asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter, asking him for the US$ 1,000, that he
owes you", said the lawyer.
"But it's only US$ 500?!" replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply, and we will have the proof, that we
need", replied the lawyer.
............................................................................................
The professor of a Contract Law class, asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go
about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange, for you."
The professor was outraged, and said, "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Ok. I will tell him - "I hereby give
and convey to you, all and singular, my estate and interests, rights,
claims, titles and advantages, of and in the said orange, together
with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and
advantages with full power, to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the
same, or give the same away, with and without the pulp, juice, rind
and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or
deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind, whatsoever to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dog ran into a butcher's shop, and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog, as belonging to a
neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be, a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor, and
said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast, from my butchery, would you be
liable, for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course! How much was the roast?"
The pleased butcher replied, "US$ 7.98".
A few days later, the butcher received a cheque in the mail, for
for US$ 7.98. Attached to it, was an invoice that read, 'My Legal
Consultation Charges - US$ 150'.
............................................................................................
The lawyer's son, wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. So he
went to law school. He graduated with Honours, and then went home, to
join his father's legal firm. At the end of his first day at work, he
rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, you know what? In
one day, I managed to solve the Accident Case, that you have been
working on, for the past 10 years!?" His father responded, "You
idiot?! We lived comfortably, on the funding of that case, for the
past 10 years!?"
Birds of a feather flock together...
And then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a
Government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement...
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs....'
Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around
My shoulder and your hand
Over my mouth . . . AMEN
"You look mad, Jill. Why are you so upset?"
"It's work! My boss gave the job I deserved to another woman! I'm
better qualified and have been at the company longer!"
"Oh, that's a shame! What's the position?"
"Well, from what I understand, it's on her knees under his desk!"
The New York Police Department fired all their gay detectives
Because
They kept blowing all their cases.
My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"
"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the
film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering
for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G. E. Logo printed on
my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied,
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on
my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So, he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said,
"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young
man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said,
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied,
"Hellooooo. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Confucius Say:
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always
after the girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said,
"I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied,
"But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse then?"
Good:
Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad:
Making a sex Ed video.
Worse:
He's the star of it.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to
8 year-olds ,
'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined
See what you think:
'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time
, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mom and
Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend
who you hate , '
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mom gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mom sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford .'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mom sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little
boy said , 'Nothing , I just helped him cry'
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.
When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get
a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not
an option for us in the evening, I'm ready for some home-cooked food
when I walk through that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills
during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so
I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or
even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her
figure.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice
big cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just relax for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make
one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol.
I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is
easy.
Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I
will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on
this earth to help each other.
Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
Inches of grip showing.
Ron, somehow without looking, must have accidentally sat down on his golf club
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.
Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in
front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips
the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses,
being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts
for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it's heading for the water
trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches
the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird
swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it's circling
over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to
drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth,
and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling
around we're not gonna bring you next time.""
A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the waitresses
there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food and
service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because they could dine
in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the restaurant
was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant,
because they had never been there before and heard it was quite
good !!!!!!!!!!
