XXX ADULT PUNS

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the vicar: "good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"

Two notoriously lascivious young women, Teri and Julie, were comparing
their experiences at the previous night's annual company Christmas
Party.
"Did you get laid, Teri?" asked Julie.
"Twice!" exclaimed Teri.
"Only twice?" said Julie.
"Yeah," explained Teri, "once by the band and once by the accounting
department."

A mother can get pregnant while nursing,
But
it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him
to sleep first.

A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite
bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene.
Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said,
"I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."
Her husband sighed and said,
"All right, I'll stop doing it."

Paramedics rescued a 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in the
vacuum cleaner.
The man stated his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual.
He didn't want any attachments.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of ten years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started.

What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?
A dead stiff.

Two Columbia yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to
'out-status' each other.
The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really
learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said,
"I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said,
"Take it from me, pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
A man and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the
husband, "and the next-door neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or
it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.

Twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders are called:
A scrotum pole!

I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian
couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid
taunting another when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

The difference between a chicken and a baby is a chicken is
The result of a sitting hen
While the baby is the result of standing cock.