XX - ADULT PUNS!

Our local prostitutes claim they don't sell sex.
They tell the court that they sell condoms with free demonstrations.

Severely constipated, Ammar went to the doctor and was given a prescription
for suppositories.
Never having used them in the old country, Ammar proceeded to eat one a day
for a week.
Still constipated, he went back to the doctor who looked at him with
amazement.
"I can't believe it. A week of these and you still haven't moved your
bowels."
He threw up his hands.
"Are you sure you used the entire box?"
Snarling with disgust, Ammar said,
"What the hell you think I do, shove them up my ass?"

When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee.
But I love to be served TWA tea.

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce
proceeding begin at one against is young wife.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the
magnate.
"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't
a piece of property, you do not own her."
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined "but I sure as hell expect exclusive
drilling rights!"

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the
hospital.
"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is
reading all your magazines, and Sharon is screwing the boss."

Rubber chicken:
Someone who is afraid of using condoms.

When my neighbour proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with a
horse for Christmas, I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride.
He said he wasn't sure, but she could probably ride about anything since she
had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch in Nevada.

I want to do another reality show based on 'The Mole', but it's really about
STDs -- sexually transmitted diseases -- and it's called,
'God, I Hope That's a Mole'.

He:
"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
 She:
"That's a good idea. You stand by the stove and sink, while I sit on the
sofa and do nothing but fart"

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Trust

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for
example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she
enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he
says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our
bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?""

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Value Engineering

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with
the buyers and distributors.
Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of
the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external
engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project
followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP,
and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had
a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone
in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that
would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed
less than it should.  The line would stop, someone would walk over,
remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start
the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty
boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well
spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the
number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was
consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero!
The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.  He
had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as
accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the
line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead
of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the
empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor
what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance,
put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell
rang."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.

We live in a crazy world.
Turn the men upside down and they're all nuts.
Turn the women upside down and they're all cracked.
Turn them both upside down and they're all screwy.

A pair of stage-door johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving the
dressing room.
"Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing it with
that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now."

The difference between light and hard is:
 You can sleep with a light on.

A woman asked the Doctor,
"What is a good time for sex?"
Doctor winked and said,
"Between noon and 1 PM."
Surprised woman asked,
"And how it is that, Doctor?"
Doctor said,
"Well, that is the time, my nurse goes to lunch."

Pick up Lines:
I love every bone in your body.
Especially mine!

The judge looked down at the attractive plaintiff.
"You claim that the defendant stole your money from your stocking?"
"That's right, Your Honour,"
"Well, why didn't you resist?"
The girl blushed and lowered her eyes. "I didn't know he was after my money,
Your Honour."

If I were ever date raped I would want it to be to;
'Whole Lotta Love' by Led Zeppelin.(

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon,
People are going to think we are nuts.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's vigour and asked him what he did
to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said,
"Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said,
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said,
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said,
"I want 5 loaves."
She said,
"My goodness, 5 loaves -- by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be
hard. "
He replied,
"I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Down with pants!
Up with miniskirts!

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Dating in the 60's

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date
with Peggy.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.  Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade?  Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni
Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.  'Oh yes,' the mother
continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw,
again and again !!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let
her!'  'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a
bouncy ponytail.She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely disheveled Peggy burst into the house and

slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.  'The
bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'

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SPACE IS VITAL IN SUCCESSFUL MARRIED LIFE

A secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss.

She sent her boss a 'Thank You' note via SMS.
The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message:

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks":p.

Moral:- Space is essential in every successful married life!

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X Be Ambidextrous

‎'A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand!" '

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XX ADULT PUNS!

In days of old
When knights were bold
And no one was particular,
They lined them all
Against the wall
And f*cked them perpendicular!

Brutus:
"How many women did you have oral sex with last night, Caesar?"
Caesar:
"Et TU, Brutus."

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in:
'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'
And the computer will say,
'Specify type of goat.'"

Another name for pickled bread is;
Dill-dough.

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks
for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three
times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride.
"Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a
psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a
gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a
stamp collector. God I miss him"

Macho:
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken.
Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer
is doing.
When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks:
"Vots he goink to do?"
Her sister answers,
"He's going to focus!"
The second cries,
"Both of us?"

Pick up Lines:
I lost my teddy bear.
Will you sleep with me?

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mom said:
"You should say 'No!' They only want to look at your undies."
Susie said:
"I know they do, that's why I take them off first and hide them in my
backpack."

Once a king, always a king,
But
Once a knight's enough.

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X Life...............

Life is like a Dick :—

Simple,

Straight,

Relaxed and Hanging Freely,

It's the Women who make it Hard.....

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see.
You cannot tell a he from she,
But he can tell, and so can she.
The little bee is never still,
So has no time to take the pill-
And that is why in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.

Better to fart and bear the shame,
Than Not to fart and bear the pain.

A policeman pulls over a lady that is driving past the speed limit. He asks
the lady,
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
She replies,
"Because you want to sell me tickets to the policemen's ball?"
He says,
"No we don't have balls"
She says with raised eyebrows and she stares down at the family jewels,
"Oh, really!!??"
He blushes and lets her go.

It seems female inmates in New Jersey are answering the phones and staffing
the state's tourist hotline. They get 58 cents an hour when people call and
they tell people what to visit in New Jersey.
And, for $2.99 a minute, they'll tell you what they're going to do to you
when you get there.

Pick up Lines:
"Do you sleep on your stomach?"
"NO!"
"Can I?"

An attractive young medical student was having coffee with her girlfriend
and complaining about her fiancee's extraordinary sexual appetite.
"I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured.
"And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably be even more
intense when he gets back."
"How long is he off?"
The assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually it's just long enough to smoke a
cigarette."

My first wife was a schoolteacher.
She didn't call it 'premature ejaculation.'
She called it 'an Incomplete'.

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it -
let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do
it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can
be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it,
you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very
costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight
typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say
that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

"Balls!" said the queen. "If I had them, I'd be king!"

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he noticed about her was her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism zipper,
buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me, miss," he asked, "but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "it would help if you can start out by buying me a
drink."

Among the many reasons why older women are the best lovers is that:
They don't smell,
They don't yell,
They don't tell,
They don't swell- and
They're grateful as hell!

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XX = ADULT PUNS!

There once was a rug-weaver from Karthoum,
Who used to carry young boys to his room.
In the height of his fever,
This Suitenese weaver.
Is what we call a fruit-of-the-loom.

Pick up Lines:
Call me Fred Flintstone,
Because I'll make your Bedrock.

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies,
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

A teacher said to her little student Susie,
"Punctuate the following sentence:
Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Susie thought for a moment and began her reply,
"Let's see, 'Fun period. Fun period. Fun no period. Worry, worry, worry!'"

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook,
"The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place
is . .. An auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans
and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked,
"What are the bean s for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Vibrator:
Device used by an expectant mother during pregnancy which makes the
baby stutter when it starts to talk.

Finally, having scraped enough money together for a trip to the
Bahamas, Todd arrived, only to learn that the hotel at which he wanted
to stay, the St. Regis, charged $200 a day.
Although that included a continental breakfast, the pool and free
golf, he simply couldn't afford that much money.
Dragging his gear around town, he finally found a hotel every bit as
nice, but it only cost $50 a day.
Settling in, he decided to get in a few rounds of golf before sunset.
Bringing his clubs to the hotel course, he went to buy a three-pack of
balls from the pro shop.
"That will be $100," said the man behind the counter.
"What?" screamed Todd. "That is outrageous! They're free at the St. Regis!"
"Yes," said the man, "but at the St. Regis they get you by the rooms.
We get you by the balls!"

What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

An officer was called to the scene to investigate an indecent exposure
complaint by an angry woman at a local bar.
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, sergeant," the man said to the
policeman. "you see, this woman and I were drinking at the bar and she
asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

It didn't take long for the feminists in the office to get up in arms
about the notice posted in the executive lounge:
"Any vice-president whose secretary is ill or on vacation may take
advantage of the girls who work the reception desk.

A little boy walks in on mommy and daddy having sex.
He asks,
"What are you doing?"
Mom responds,
"I am letting the air out of daddy's stomach."
The boy replies,
"Why mommy! When you leave, the neighbour girl comes over and blows it
right back up!"

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Have a laugh!

If my body was a car, I would definitely be trading it in for a newer model
I've got bumps, dents, scratches & my paint job is splattered with
varicose veins
My headlights are out of focus. My traction is not as graceful as it once was
My head cloth is now grey. My gearbox is just about seized up
It takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason
But worst of all is every time I sneeze, cough or laugh either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires..!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

My wife told me she'd like to be completely pampered for Valentine's
Day, and I'll do my best to oblige.
I only hope she's okay with the fact that in her size, I could only
find Depends.

Ladies of the Evening have their share of the currently fashionable
neuroses just like everyone else.
But they have one complaint about psychiatrists that the rest of us do
not share.
One such lady of the night puts it this way:
"This is the only guy I know who tells me to lay down on a couch and
then sends me a bill."

Women don't like basketball players as lovers
Because
They always dribble before they shoot.

In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my
friend, a gynaecologist, struck up a casual conversation.
After noticing the label on her sandals read,
"Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So, when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked,
"You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
Sex is like air.
It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

The difference between a man and a condom is:
Condoms have changed.
They're no longer thick and insensitive.

A survey found that 58% people want to have sex more than 7 times a week.
But the figure dropped drastically to 3% when the words "with wife" were added.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex,
No matter what she's reading.

George goes to a marriage counselor and says,
"My marriage isn't as much fun as it used to be. My wife is always tired".
The marriage counselor says,
"Do you still enjoy sex?
"As much as the next fellow" replied George.
The counselor says,
"Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted"

Pick up Lines:
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Anybody who allows himself to be buried is making a fuel of himself,
While anyone who allows himself to be cremated makes an ash of himself.

Vickie and John had split-up a few weeks ago, but still remained good
friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same
apartment building.
One day, John slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
He met Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she
could do to help.
John said,
"Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
Vickie readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual
erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

Pick up Lines:
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers?
Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date.
He asks her if she had a good time.
She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men
to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a
bikers black leathers.
He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and
away they go t o the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.
When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her,
"Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a hand job.

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop
teacher asked Judy, the only girl in the class.
Judy replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, because I've never been 'bolted'."

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that
guy who played the French horn?" "Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced
tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?"
Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly.
"But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

Did you see the movie about a woman who uses a wooden vibrator?
It is called,
"Love Is A Many Splintered Thing."

Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date:
"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, "
Faba declared.
"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?"
Mujo asked with curiosity.
"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and
intelligent," explained Faba to her friend. Mujo giggles, and asked,
"So, how was it?"
"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And
then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his
house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out
his penis." "What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with
the clinical terminology.
"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman,
I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."

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The Wisdom of Winston Churchill on Whisky (What poetry...)

Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky.

Here's how he answered:

"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody
monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,
creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the
mouths of little  children; if you mean that evil drink that topples
men and women  from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living
into the  bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness,
and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre
of my being.

"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the
philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when
good fellows get together, that  puts a song in their hearts and the
warm glow of contentment in  their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the
stimulating sip that puts a  little spring in the step of an elderly
gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man
to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and
heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours
into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides
tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our
dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways,
hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then
my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as  always, I refuse to compromise on
matters of principle."

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Why God doesn't have a PhD?

1)  He had only one major publication.

2)  It was in Hebrew.

3)  It had no references.

4)  It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5)  Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6)  It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7)  His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8)  The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9)  He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10) When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning
his     subjects.

11) When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12) Some say he had his son teach the class.

13) He expelled his first two students for learning.

14) He rarely came to class, and he just told students to read the book.

15) Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.

16) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

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Irish Railway Company

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a
customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired
of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book
of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass.
That..... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

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Scary Statistic !!!

25% of all women are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.. as it means 75% are running around with no
medication at all !!

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A Lawyer And A Senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one
over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out
a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the
$500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior
up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.

Don't mess with old farts!

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Women

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

 

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Relativity

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things
that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing
on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling
and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man
didn't
have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if
that
guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

"I never slept with a man until I married your father," said the stern
mother to her wild daughter.
"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"
"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys
at the age of 19.
Today, she asked her Aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy
and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble
on my boyfriend."
"Swallow," her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships.

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says:
"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
The other replies,
"Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
I said,
"If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

A young boy asked his mother,
"Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know,
with separate parts you put together?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered,
"The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said
that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

You won't believe this, my date unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me,
"Do you want some of this?"
So I said,
"No, thanks anyway, but you go ahead. You really don't have enough to share!"

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 45th
wedding anniversary.
The husband decided to give his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY WIFE COLD AS EVER"
Later, the furious wife, giving homage to her husband's reliance on
the little blue bill, bought a return present, a tombstone with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY HUSBAND STIFF AT LAST!"

The exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back
of his desk and allow him to have sex with her.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,
when he finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied. "Working like a dog."

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Laugh it out

Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free

After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking
How Was The Trip. All Of Them Gave A Same Reply...

"Which Trip?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :-
Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don't discuss
ur problems, no tv serial, dont demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do
this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

On the way home..

Husband :- wat did the doc say ?
Wife :- .No chance for u to survive

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise
Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.

She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number:

"Hello Darling" The Husband Responds In A Low Tone:

"Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

Don't let your affection give you an infection.
Put some protection on that erection.

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has
beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."

Pick up Lines:
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Making the rounds of the maternity ward, a visiting obstetrician
pointed to a child who was smaller and more fragile than the rest.
"What's wrong with that one?" he asked the head nurse.
"Nothing, doctor," she replied. "He's a test-tube baby, and they tend
to be smaller than others."
"It just goes to show," the obstetrician said sagely, "spare the rod
and spoil the child."

Raggedy Ann was thrown out of the toy box for sitting on Pinocchio's
face, and moaning,
"Lie to me!"

When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard
that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up north, had become a lady
of the evening, they were stunned and shocked.
"Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of
our kinfolk having to work for a living!"

Secretary:-
A stenographer who watches her periods.

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get
out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful
everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend.
Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked
him how it went.
"Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumours! That guy
isn't my best friend. In fact I don't even know him!"

The best thing to do when your girlfriend forgets to take her birth
control pills is to;
Give her a good tongue-lashing.

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Free Sex with Fill-Up

 A gas station owner in Mississippi  was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that  read,
"Free Sex with  Fill-Up."

Soon a local  redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.  If he guessed
correctly he would get his
free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor  said,"You were close! The
number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

  A week later, the same redneck, along  with his brother, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

 The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to  guess
the correct  number.

The redneck guessed  2 this time. The  proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game  is RIGGED, and he  doesn't really give away
FREE Sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.
My WIFE Thelma won twice  last week"

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Ugly Woman

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a
boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.

"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this
life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and
all men will fall at your feet."

Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she
thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."

She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane
didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost
her senses
and fainted.

As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very
well as she lost her glasses, and not knowing where she was, she
started
touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a
huge smile on her face,

"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

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A Mental Problem...

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all
the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do;
he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple
problem... no wonder youare destined to be a truck driver..."
"Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and
fix it onto this tyre.  Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace
the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked:"You're s o smart but why are
you here at the Mental Hospital?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

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Laffs

A poster at a Peace rally in Mumbai:
"Politicians divide us and Terrorists unite Us"

Who is a Psychiatrist?
A qualified person who gives you an expensive & critical analysis
about yourself, which your Spouse gives you for free, daily.

If you can't find the right words for certain situations, just give a smile…

Words may confuse, but a SMILE always convinces…

If ever in life you love two people at the same time, go for the second person..
If you really ever loved the first person, you would never fall in love again

 "If one really wants to achieve, he will find a way out of everything.
If not, he will find an excuse out of something…!

Scotch is a brilliant invention….
One double and you start feeling Single again.

Notice at Church:
Do not leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girl-friends UN-ATTENDED
Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

Global Recession and Financial Crisis have become so critical and
serious now days that……
majority of the men have started loving their own wives!!!!!!

A Priest is called as a Father
A Bishop your Grace
A Cardinal, your Eminence…
Even a Pope is called as, His Highness.
But only a 36 – 24 – 36 in a Bikini is called as "OH MY GOD"

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Idiot's Rules of Life

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps,
Not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch,
Don't feel the flame to see if it's  sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts,
"Heads up!"
Don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature,
Stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
Press on the flat end.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks,"
There is no need to report it on your income tax return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist.
Get a watch.

1 + 1 = 2
Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can.
It is not an exact science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days,
Don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator button many, many times.

If you found ANY of the above rules useful,
Under no circumstances should you EVER reproduce.

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Only in South Africa!!

A school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the
local schools in Soweto

He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you
are by allowing him to ask you a question."

The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.
He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence, the children all just
stare at him blankly

Eventually Sipho raises his hand, the Inspector points excitedly to him

Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls
of Jericho, but it wasn't me"

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation, she says: Well,
I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if
he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to
the principal's office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise
every now and then with his teacher and I believe her, if she feels
that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing, he grabs the phone on
the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education and relates
the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education
standard in the school

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena, you know I'm very
busy, I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, just get
three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother."

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XX - ADULT PUNS!

There was a young poof from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom.

Headquarters:
The room where enlisted women blow the officers.

One night Scott was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his tool out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a
woman sitting on the can.
"This is for ladies!" she screamed!
Scott waved his tool at her and said,
"So is this!"

A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat
and six kittens spayed and neutered.
"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.
"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers.
"That's how we got into this mess in the first place."

The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop.
Ruth says to Golda,
"Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married.
He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks
the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth,
"So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your
Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers,
"God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his
engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time
he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know,
Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly,
"Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes
is a disease affecting the gentiles."

Contrary to popular belief,
Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

At the seafood restaurant, I asked the waitress if she had crabs.
She told me to have a seat, she'd be right with me!

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became
unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed, but wishing to please her, he reached
cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."
"Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that everyone in the room was watching him,
and he whispered to the girl,
"I feel such a perfect ass."
"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace."

"Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife.
The whole street was watchin' an' laughin' yesterday."
"Well, the joke's on them. I wasn't even home yesterday!"

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