Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: March 2010

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Napoleon Bonaparte Famous Quotes.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Famous Quotes.

A celebrated people lose dignity upon a closer view.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A Constitution should be short and obscure.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A leader is a dealer in hope.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A man cannot become an atheist merely by wishing it.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A picture is worth a thousand words.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A revolution can be neither made nor stopped. The only thing that can
be done is for one of several of its children to give it a direction
by dint of victories.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A revolution is an idea which has found its bayonets.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of coloured ribbon.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A throne is only a bench covered with velvet.
Napoleon Bonaparte

A true man hates no one.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Ability is nothing without opportunity.
Napoleon Bonaparte

All religions have been made by men.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Ambition never is in a greater hurry that I; it merely keeps pace with
circumstances and with my general way of thinking.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Among those who dislike oppression are many who like to oppress.
Napoleon Bonaparte

An army marches on its stomach.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even
we generals.
Napoleon Bonaparte

England is a nation of shopkeepers.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Forethought we may have, undoubtedly, but not foresight.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
Napoleon Bonaparte

France has more need of me than I have need of France.
Napoleon Bonaparte

From the heights of these pyramids, forty centuries look down on us.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Great ambition is the passion of a great character. Those endowed with
it may perform very good or very bad acts. All depends on the
principles which direct them.
Napoleon Bonaparte

He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.
Napoleon Bonaparte

He who knows how to flatter also knows how to slander.
Napoleon Bonaparte

History is a set of lies agreed upon.
Napoleon Bonaparte

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of
government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I am the successor, not of Louis XVI, but of Charlemagne.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I can no longer obey; I have tasted command, and I cannot give it up.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I have only one counsel for you - be master.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I love power. But it is as an artist that I love it. I love it as a
musician loves his violin, to draw out its sounds and chords and
harmonies.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I made all my generals out of mud.
Napoleon Bonaparte

If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life
would be my god.
Napoleon Bonaparte

If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin-pricks that precede
cannon shots.
Napoleon Bonaparte

If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.
Napoleon Bonaparte

If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.
Napoleon Bonaparte

THOUGHT OF THE DAY!

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
And
Live like it's heaven on Earth." -
Mark Twain.

republicans and strippers

Ten Republican National Committee Excuses (about spending money at a
LA strip club specialising in sado-masochism or SM )

10. "We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?"
9. "Thought 'SM' door was Sen. McCain's office"
8. "It wasn't a sex club, just a regular club where grown men tickle
each other"
7. "Scott Brown raved about the place"
6. "The Sheraton's meeting rooms were already booked"
5. "I'm sorry, Ricky Martin is gay?"
4. "Abraham Lincoln routinely spent $2,000 a night in sex clubs"
3. "We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?"
2. "If we can't spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists have won"
1. "Research for pending legislation 'No Stripper Left Behind'"

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

● During a fundraising trip to California, some young
Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in
Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when
Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's
in Dick Cheney's basement.

● It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I'm sure
the strippers didn't want anyone to know they were hanging out with
politicians.

● At least it was the young Republicans that did this. Could you
imagine Bob Dole and John McCain walking in there?

● Republican donors aren't happy about this. It's not fair that
rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor
Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms.

Suicide bombers.

First it was Postmen striking, Then British Airways cabin crew
Now this lot want to get in on the act

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% this January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a
kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for
members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real
work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to
attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the
best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr.
Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's final proposal of a
virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree
on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was
quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that . . . it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members
of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to
express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent, Essex
and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect
their operations, as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

ITS TIME FOR SOME FUN GUYS...

Q: If a devil catches your wife, what would you do?
A: You can do nothing. If devil has committed a mistake let him face
the consequences.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge..

Man : Conducting Marketing Survey asked a
Lady: "Which Book Has Helped you most in your Life?
Lady: My Husband's "Cheque Book!"

1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! This is no time for superstitions

A Student goes into a library & asks for a book on suicide..!
Librarian: "Get lost dude, you won't bring it back...

Kid: 'Mom who is God?'
Mom: 'God is neither male nor female, not child, not adult, not black,
not white & He loves children.
Kid: 'Oh! Michael Jakson!'

Principal to students: You people must sleep atleast 7 hours a day.
Students: Impossible sir! College is only for 6 hours!

Boy: Mummy, if I failed in this exam I'll commite suicide.
Mother: 'Shut up! Never say that. If you try to do so, I'll just kill you..

Sam to Ram: Did you kill mosquitoes?
Yes. But why they still bite me at night?
They must be widows of the dead ones...

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize.

Movie director: In this scene you jump from 10th floor.
Actor: What if I die?
Director: Dats not at all a problem, It"s DA last scene.

Teacher: Which book is the most helpful book in your life?
Student: My DAD'S Cheque book!

Doctor to lady: You look exactly like my third wife.
Lady: How many wives do you have?
Doctor: Two.

A father to his adopted son, "Whats the height of laziness?"
Son replied, "What more than having an adopted son.

Wife: I hate the beggar who came yesterday!
Husband: Why??
Wife: I gave him food yesterday & today he gifted me a book, "How to Cook"!!

The Priest and the Rabbi

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is
hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar
and says, "So you're a

priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but
we are unhurt. God must

have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace the rest of our

days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees,
takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it
back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

X - Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student ....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but
before she could say 'Fxck off !', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there
must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the
bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are
the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and
then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,
screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers
back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding
from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...,
where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

Friday, March 26, 2010

XX- Adult Puns!

In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their
journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of
glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going onto to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked,
"Then, why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her
books without a word and walked out of the class, never to return.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on
the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good
day!"

"Did you see in the paper yesterday about the little boy who was born
without any eye lids?"
"Gosh, no."
"They had to circumcise him, and they used the skin for new eye lids."
"Wow." "Yeah, everything turned out okay, except he is a little cock-eyed.
But, "the doctor continued "think of the foresight he'll have."

I don't need cyber-sex.
Windows goes down on me all the time!

Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two Marijuana plants.
The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal.
The Viagra pills scoff at them.
One Marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks,
"Don't you think we should be legal?"
"No," said the Viagra pills, "We are hard on drugs."

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Actual adverts placed by people in the newspapaers

has anyone lost a roll of $50 dollar notes with a rubber band around them?

I HAVE FOUND YOUR RUBBER BAND.

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mother's helperpeasant working conditions.

Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstoreunequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.

Wantedunmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wantedhair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wantedman to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wantedpreparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

Wantedpart-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used carswhy go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

XXX - Adult Puns!

According to a new study, 20% of men do not know how to properly put
on a condom.
You know what they call these men?
Dad.

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain. Do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I
told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

The best secretary in the world to have is the one that never misses a period.

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might
happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the
poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air,
filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
"Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to the woman
next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight, and remember that
this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again." The husband
rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind,
he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and
says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants
sixty."
The wife 's face slowly turns red with anger,
"Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over
here, I only charged him fifty!"

Raggedy Anne was kicked out of the toy box because she kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face saying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.
A big bouncer says,
"Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!" The gay man
looks around and says,
"I think you're bragging, but I'm game if you are."

The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem.
Every time I want sex, she says,
"Wait."

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody
stupid with it."
"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used
to get once a month."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Red Skelton's Recipe

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will
enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what
you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a
great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who
was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two
reading them once more.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

THE BUTTOCKS...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After

all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you???'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need.. every time I see your mother

kiss you on the cheek !!!'......

Thursday, March 18, 2010

old Nun

Sent in by a good Catholic with a sense of humor.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of

the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their
ways. She decided she would

take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her
sandwich in a brown bag and walked

over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the
group and with a big smile asked,

"Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads, shrugged and
looked at each other dumb founded. One of the workers looked up into
the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One
of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here
with his lunch."

if you need a laugh today

some old but still good..

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND
ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

WE WILL NEVER SEE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN..

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as
many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as
any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of
his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which
was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from
her mother and father and other than their years in the White House,
they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army
pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that
he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him
an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per
year..

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home
to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined,
stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and
that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's
not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him
the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it,
writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be
the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on
the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress
also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the
fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale. (sic.
Illinois )

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in
life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a
politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!!

XX - Kamasutra Explained

You have to hand it to the ancient indian Rishis for their deep
understanding of the essence of life

Maharishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus "Kamasutra" that ....Sex is….

"Duty", if done with your Wife

"Art", if done with your Lover

"Education", if done with a Virgin

"Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee

"Charity", if done with a Widow &

"Meditative Trance", if done by yourself

"Teamwork"

if done with a member of the same gender

Saturday, March 13, 2010

"Daddy's Poem..."

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
Her favourites dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
A man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'
She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,'
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's al ways with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favourite dress.
And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see he is a Canadian soldier
And died just this past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
And taught us all to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Nice ones

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything !! "

****

What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

****

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,

so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

****

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "

His father replied :

" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,

because I still have mine. "

****
John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "

The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise. I'm facing the same problem
with his father !

Monday, March 08, 2010

Wars, politics, sex all because of different perceptions

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled
over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had
an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my
wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut
the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out
to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We
had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there
was no electricity so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I
was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come
for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't
fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Mans world

Oldie but still great ...

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
Boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :

Dear Mrs Lewis,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Oxford is
Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
Husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our
Surveillance cameras:

1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
Trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.

3. July 7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
Products aisle.

4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14th: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15th: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
Told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
Gas stove.

7. September 23rd: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
Began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4th: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10th: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
Antidepressants were.

10. November 3rd: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6th: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
Using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21st: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
The foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And last, but not least:

14. November 23rd: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
Then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Friday, March 05, 2010

Humour- classified ads

You may read this before... still good for a chuckle though!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.

Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

News from the Pharmacy...

These are the new wonder drugs that will soon be available:

Peptobimbo ...
Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out, increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ...
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. Causing
enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor ...
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ...
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ...
Potent antibiotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better
person ... Can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ...
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura.

St. Mom's Wort ...
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

Anti-talksident ...
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ...
Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ...
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of
doing it herself.

Jack Asspirin ...
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A new 'cure' for prostate problems???
WTF?

An oldie...
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

'So Doc , look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it
works just like new.

So, how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks
($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running.

It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug
Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result
when Viagra is taken along with Ex-Lax.

Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.

The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up both
coming and going at the same time.

It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other
drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit if you're coming or
going.

THE BLONDE

She was so Blonde

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says, "Sign here:" she
wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican
phone company……

XX - Adult Puns!

Double x rated..

Uncle John, who was in his eighties, went to live in a nursing home
because of 'Alzheimers'.
I gave him a call to see if he was up for a visit.
He said,
"Sure come over about 2, and will you bring me a couple tubes of KY
jelly. Oops, I got to go, I have a date. See you then."
I arrived and was walking down the hallway when Uncle John came out of
a room with a lady on each arm.
He introduced me to the ladies, then he and I walked to his room.
I handed him the bag with the KY jelly, and I asked,
"What do you use it for?"
"Well, my boy," He said to me with a wink. "This place has more women
than I can shake my dick at."
I replied,
"Oh Wow, Uncle John, I didn't know you could still do it at your age."
He looked at me in a strange way and said,
"Do what?"

If Iran penetrated Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut
back on expenses quickly.
As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem.
He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex
and retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held.
Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on
him, he knew she was one of the chosen.
"Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior
to our session." replied the girl.
"You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always
prevails."

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered...
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

A Judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet."
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by
the Jewish faith.
The judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony, like a Bris?"
"Yes," she replies, "Very similar, only in this case you, get rid of
the entire shmuck!"
("Shmuck" in Yiddish is the equivalent of "Prick" in English)

Murphy's Rules of Sex

~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

~ Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song.

~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had
A man, the women he couldn't.

~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

~ Don't say no,
Say maybe,
Say any old thing say come back in the
Spring but don't say no.

~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

~ Beauty is skin deep ugly goes right to the bone.

~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation the other eight are
unimportant.

XX - Adult Puns!

Remember these are XX ated.

A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they
were alone in the church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor," he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered.
"How about standing up?"
"Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in,
they'd think we were dancing."

A masochistic homosexual is a sucker for punishment.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse.
Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and
drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says,
"Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but your not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says,
"Screw that, I can do that myself!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

I knew my husband was messing around on me.
But I just never could catch him in the act.
But I still had suspicions.
One day, I cut my leg with the razor while I was shaving.
I looked in his shaving kit for that little styptic pencil to stop the bleeding.
I found K-Y Jelly!
I knew WE never used it.
"Ah Hah!" I said to myself.
"He's been messin' around on me on the side!"
Well, well, well! I decided to get a syringe and I filled it with Tabasco sauce.
Then, I injected it into the K-Y Jelly tube.
What a blistered dick he had! I can only hope!
I'm wondering if she got a little feel of it, too!!
Never sell yourself short.
Unless you're a midget hooker.

It seems that a group of men who were employed in the wine industry
preparing the corks for capping each bottle as it was filled were
having a national convention at a convention centre in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin.
At the same time in the same centre a group of women who worked in the
garment industry making maternity clothes were also holding a
convention.
On the last night, the convention centre hosted a joint party with an open bar.
As expected, these men and women took full advantage of the free
drinks well into the night.
A wild free-for-all fight broke out, and the police had to be called
to restore order.
In his report, the police captain wrote that in his thirty years on
the force he had never before encountered a more rowdy gang of cork
soakers and mother frockers who insisted on fighting and brawling
until the police fired shots into the air.

A survey on the most alluring female thighs showed that:
18 percent liked slender thighs,
23 percent liked firmer larger thighs,
But most generally went for something in between.

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them
down BAM! BAM! BAM!
Then, he orders three more.
The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but
is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the
problem?"
The guy answers,
"I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone.
I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour.
So, I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl
of cream."
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another.
"So, you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says,
"It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Catholic Definitions...

Choir:

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water:

A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn:

A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that
of the congregation's range.

Incense:

Holy Smoke!

Jesuits:

An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with
good basketball teams.

Jonah:

The original "Jaws" story.

Justice:

When your children have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison:

The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi:

The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew:

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession:

The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar
servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional:

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics:

People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments:

The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.

Ushers:

The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

XX - Adult Puns!

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go, since she was hard working,
knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office.
"But why?" he asked.
"Nothin', I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me why."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair,
"Look! I haven't had this before. It's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her youthful innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said,
"Ha ha... My dear... it's nature. Look! I have it too."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as w ell!"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak their name,
and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says,
"My name is Gabe and I'm in for murder."
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting
his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says,
"My name is Rich and I'm in for armed robbery."
Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says,
"My name is Eli, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."
The group leader says,
"Now, come on Eli, you have to admit it to us to make any progress.
Tell us what you did." "Ok then," agrees Eli, "I'm in for fornicating
with dogs."
Everyone is disgusted.
One in the group shouts out,
"That's sick! How low can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas", replies Eli .

How are an actor and a rabbi different?
You might want to take a look at the actor's collection of clippings.

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.
For twenty years he never sees another human being.
Then, one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes
half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams,
and eating fruits and berries.
She says,
"Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you."
She shows him.
Then, she shows him again.
Then, she shows him one more time.
When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?" He says,
"It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Brains of Britain

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:

Homosexuals..

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:

Strong..

Stewart White:

Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What
A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France.

Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:

What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:

Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )

Phil:

What's 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Phil:

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:

Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Er. ... ....

Richard:

He makes bread . . .

Contestant:

Er .. .......

Richard:

He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:

Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona.

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:

What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific..

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:

Japan.

Chris Searle:

I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.

Caller:

Er ............ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:

How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:

In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:

Holland?

Daryl Denham:

Try the next letter of the alphabet..

Contestant:

Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:

No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:

What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:

Er... ...... ...

Phil Wood:

It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..

Contestant:

Blimey?

Phil Wood:

Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .

Contestant:

(Silence)

Phil Wood:

OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .. . ..

Contestant:

Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:

What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall
asleep at any time?

Contestant:

Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:

What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:

Jewish.

Presenter:

That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:

Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character
clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:

Jesus.

X-Rated Bumper Stickers-X

Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Monday, March 01, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

As the subject lines says - ADULT

Best firewall Ever:
1. One human cell contains: 75MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains: half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains: 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains: 2.25 ml semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to:
(37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second =
1,6875 Terabyte/sec
This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5
terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package,
thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!
The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets
through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour
today after 'beating' the world's #1 golfer.
The win came after the top golfer played the wrong hole.

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one,
"This is for the shame," and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one,
"This is for the shame" and then the second one,
"This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering, what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and
he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants

Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to
do about sex (one would have thought it's intuitive, but there you
have it).;
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to
undress and get on the bed and he would show them what to do.
The young woman undressed as she was told by Maury and preceded to get
on the bed.; Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps
involved in making love, in every possible position.;
When he was finished, he said to Pauly,
"Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman said,
"Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do... ; he is a little forgetful."

Every time I sit down to try to take a dump, I start reading the
newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business.
I think might I have: Attention Defecate Disorder.

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go
back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

The members of a certain Indian tribe had a custom.
If they weren't married, rather than defile the young tribes-women
sexually, they would go and satisfy their sexual needs by their own
hands, aiming their discharge at small, round hills.
These were known as semen knolls.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Friday, March 26, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Monday, March 08, 2010

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Friday, March 05, 2010

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Monday, March 01, 2010

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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