XXX - Jokes

Some of these are really rowdy; please do not continue if you are a prude.

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex
appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an
assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her
faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like
a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

~~

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being
sworn in as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last!
Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook
dinner and I get on top!"
~~
It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner.
"When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see,
and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye.
Then, she asked me to take her home.
And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right
down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."- - - - -

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golf.

A man goes to the confessional and says,
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful
language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked
like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line
hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after
going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you
were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my
ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came
down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began
to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away
with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And
as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap
and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told
the man.
The priest sighed,
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEX FACTS.

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size.
According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra
large condoms.

2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect (no matter what you
have heard ladies, that's the truth).
(Incidentally, the average vaginal capacity is only 6 inches, for you
women who think you can handle king dong)

3) 80% of American men are circumcised.
Even though Paediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can make your penis grow
but, time. (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no co-relation between penis size and shoe size, hand
size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist!
It's technically called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reputation.

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.
My parents live in Fort Worth.
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana.
They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.
My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview.
She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this.

I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family.
I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hotel
A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed is
reflection,
which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they wer e perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into
the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony
and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit..... which now had a button sewn on the end.

Stop NOW as it gets really bad...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerickz

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who f**ked her and ran.
Now, she goes to the park every day.
__________________________________

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eeked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind f**king,
But, much preferred s**king,
And she'd wipe off the pr**ks on her chin.
__________________________________

There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to f**k.
She was about to re-sign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to s**k."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting.

Things that sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but are not:

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"

"Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

"Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest.."

"Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it."

"You'll know when it's ready when it pops up."

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Wanna neck?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus.

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big
toilet like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room
clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts,
"Don't start your father's shit with me!"