Everything you wanted to know about Sri Lanka ( but were afraid to ask)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Sri Lanka? I have never seen it rain in
Sri Lanka on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see wild elephants on the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you have been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Colombo to Matara - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure. It's only a hundred miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around the Wanni in Sri Lanka? (Ireland)
A: So it's true what they say about the Irish.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Sri Lanka? Can you send me a
list of them in Colombo, Galle, Kandy, Kurunegala, Matara and
Anuradhapura? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Sri Lanka? USA)
A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Sri
Lanka is that small island south of India in the Indian Ocean. Sure,
the hippo racing is every Thursday near Diyawanna Oya. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is Jaffna? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Sri Lanka? (UK)
A: Absolutely not. Just use your fingers and toes like we do.

Q: Heard Brian Adams and MLTR were in SL. Can you send me the
entertainment schedule? ( USA)
A: Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Thursday by the Diyawanna
Oya straight after the Hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Sri Lanka? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Colombo and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal. Try Arrack instead.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Sri Lanka who can dispense
Ratlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
Sri Lankan snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets. Some even become politicians.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Sri Lanka, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of huge animal that is dressed and taken in
pagents. (USA)
A: It's called an Elephant. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Sri Lanka? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Sri Lanka? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in the Western Province where the
female population is smaller than the male population? (Germany)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs in Negombo.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Sri Lanka? (Italy)
A: Only in December.

Q: I was in Sri Lanka in 1999 on R+R and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in an apartment at Liberty Plaza. Can you
help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Inflation and
the invasion of the local market by the Chinese Mafia have jacked up
the rates in recent times. In any case please try the eighth floor at
the same place.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (Germany)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Q. Why do they drive on the wrong side of the street in Sri Lanka? (USA)
A. Because you Yankees think you are always right. We were driving
motor vehicles long before you rode on mules.

Q. Is it safe to drink water from the taps in Sri Lanka (UK)
A. One way to find out is to drink it and check the color of the
liquid the next time you go to the loo.

Q. Is there a war going on in Sri Lanka? (USA)
A. Oh no, not at all. We are just practising so that we can match you
guys at the same game.