Humor in the Church

Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

Hide him during a war
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Church for this drunk
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday
sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired,
he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher
decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to
find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to
find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on
here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones
standing for it!"

Where have you been?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're
running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

A very faithful woman
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in
talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE
THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send
her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME
SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag
of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you
there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them. Praise the Lord!"