Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: October 2007

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

YOU ARE OLD WHEN.................

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to
take any fibre today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes .

Your IQ.........

Questions:

1. Based on the recent celebration of the 4th of July, what is the
current age of the United States?

2. Which Founding Father was the first to sign the original
Declaration of Independence?

3. The first signer of the Declaration of Independence, noted in the
preceding question, was also the first Governor of his home state.
What was the newly established state he led as governor?

4. Who authored the Declaration of Independence?

5. The Declaration's author, like the signer in the previous question,
also was governor of his newly established state. Name that state.

6. What was the group termed as the WAC in World War II?

7. Name the instrument used to measure air pressure.

8. What does the phrase "veni, vidi, vici" mean?

9. What Hall of Fame baseball star was nicknamed "The Georgia Peach"?

10. What is a Joey in Australia?

Answers:

1. The United States just celebrated its 231st birthday.

2. John Hancock, the president of the Continental Congress, was the
first member of that legislative body to place his name on the
Declaration of Independence on July 4th of 1776.

3. Hancock was the first governor of Massachusetts (1780-93).

4. Although some changes were made, Thomas Jefferson is credited as
the author of that immortal document.
5. Jefferson was Virginia's governor from 1779 to 1781.

6. The WAC was the Women's Army Corps, in which women served but not
in combat situations.

7. It's the barometer.

8. "Veni, vidi, vici" is a Latin phrase meaning "I came, I saw, I conquered."

9. "The Georgia Peach" was Ty Cobb of the Detroit Tigers and
Philadelphia Athletics.

10. A Joey is a young kangaroo.

Conflicting Proverbs

Actions speak louder than words./The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap./ He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work. (or) Two heads are better than one. / Too
many cooks spoil
The broth.

A silent man is a wise one. / A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. / Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man. / Don't judge a book by its cover. (or) All that
glitters is not gold.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. / Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better. / The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. / Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be. / Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them. / Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. / One man's meat is
another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom. / Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come
all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier./ Two's company; three's a crowd.

The best things in life are free. / You get what you pay for.

It never rains, than it pours. / Lightning never strikes twice in the
same place.

Better to ask the way than to go astray. / Ask no questions and hear no lies.

Never do evil, that good may come of it. / The end justifies the means.

Variety is the spice of life. / Don't change horses in the middle of a stream.

There is nothing permanent except change. / There is nothing new under the sun.

Never too old to learn. / You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Everything comes to him who waits. / He who hesitates is lost.

Opposites attract. / Birds of a feather flock together.

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was
perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try...

Size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity
with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with

the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping
sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the
chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!!!

Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see Accountants on
my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered." The second surgeon, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but
you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians
are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in, "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut
them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains,
and no spine; and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A conversation with Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting
in my back yard and having a glass of tea along with a quiet
conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me, again, after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply, "Men
find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family.
You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends
and family to gather."
I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was, "No, the love of money is the root of all
evil. Money is merely a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning
question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of
life? Why am I here?"
He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your
heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you
some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

Monday, October 29, 2007

Avian Amusements.

Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?
A: In a nest-cafe!

Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
A: With it's sparrow-chute!

Q: What's the craziest bird?
A: The Cuckoo.

Q: What is green and pecks on trees?
A: Woody Wood Pickle!

Q: What's the adult film industry's most common bird?
A: The Swallow.

Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?
A: He didn't give a hoot!

Q: Which bird is a member of the Hair Club for Men?
A: The Bald Eagle.

Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A: A Macaw!

Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A: A mynah bird!

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A great walkie-talkie!

Loving poems written by husband to wife

I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it
was blown away. then I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart
Attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .. He saw me thirsty, he created
pepsi .. He saw me in dark, he created light .. He saw me without
problems, he created YOU.

Great Words from Great People on Marriage-some oldies

Every man should get married some time;
After all,happiness is not the only thing in life !!

--Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money;
You can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb

I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison

Men have a better time than women;
For one thing, they marry later;
For another thing, they die earlier.

-H. L. Mencken

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then, the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in."

--Anonymous

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says,
"the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs....."

--Anonymous

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the
front door,
Who do you let in first?
The dog of course... At least he'll shut up after you let him in!

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
'Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom
do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But ,she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then, smiled
" It really works! "

Why the Men are a Happier Lot!

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care
of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You
can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You canwear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the
truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,
more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
!

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 22, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM .

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon , 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM ..

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates
and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy
Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors.

Fall Classes for Women

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 29, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, AND TO AVOID EXCESS DISCUSSIONS, CLASS SIZES WILL
BE LIMITED TO 5 PERSONS, MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To Park the Car in the Garage --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
Lets be seated in the Loo --- Does It wet itsef?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Buying things you never need? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Reversing the Car!
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
When to stop talking?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class 6
Gossip: The bane of society
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM .

Class 7
The Neighbors car is bigger:
So what?
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
She told me not to tell you, but......I know you wont tell anyone
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real women dont exist --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Changing channels on the remote is NOT a disease
Learn to Live with it
4 weeks, Saturday noon , 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Wife and Secretary.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How not to traverse through all the corridors in the supermarket just
to get a tube of toothpaste
Practical Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM ..

Class 13
How to be happy and keep your husband?
. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Grass is NOT greener on the other side!
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors.

Maths

Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son
of a bitch is nine."

In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.

"Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!"

Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."

She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"

He replied, "Yes."

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is
receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The
mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are
teaching my son in Math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."

Little Leroy's mother asked, "And... are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I
taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Old one but still funny

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this
past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel
with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me
to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of
a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it
bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the
car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician s relative once removed.

By the way....a South American scientist after a
lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have
infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

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Chinese Horoscope

AMAZINGLY ACCURATE
whatever you do, don't cheat!

CHINESE HOROSCOPE:
THE YEAR OF THE IRON DRAGON,
WISHING YOU PROSPERITY AND GOOD FORTUNE IN THE
CHINESE NEW YEAR
FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS -
DO NOT CHEAT
OR IT WON'T WORK AND
YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN`T.

TAKE 3 MINUTES
TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.

THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.

DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT.

IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY

1st. Get PEN and PAPER

2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW

3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results.

4th. SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT THE TIME
DON`T READ AHEAD otherwise
YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.

1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.

2. BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?

3. BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7, WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT

4. WRITE ANYONE S NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)next to 4, 5, & 6.

DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID

5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11

6. Finally,MAKE A WISH

ARE YOU READY? HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME

1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in
SPACE 2

2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE

3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7

4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4

5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.

6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR LUCKY STAR

7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3

8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7

9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND

10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE

11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER

Size does count

What did you think it meant ....

Anger Management

Natural Beauty

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XX - "True" Friendship "

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the f**king bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it, every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Vista anybody?

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter
plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was
coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10
miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling
around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running
pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he
sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth
floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and
shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree
turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the
runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does
the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that
building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent
correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's
support office and from there the airport is just five miles due
East."

iBreast

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer

chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 to $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always

complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Grandma's Don't Know Everything

Little Joey was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house
and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the
same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Joey just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma,
it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you."

Three Italian Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

If this doesn't get you angry Nothing will

A son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looked at her son and replied, "Son, this shows your
friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mother and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looked at his son in surprise and said

Son, all household appliances come in white."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

CATHOLIC HORSES !..........

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the
4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the
race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th
race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of
the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!
Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing
one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull
in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of
the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead
last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed
horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost.
Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with
Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."

Classic Quotes by Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) Irish writer and wit

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is
absolutely fatal.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.

Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

All art is quite useless.

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.

All that I desire to point out is the general principle that life
imitates art far more than art imitates life.

X - THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

an old one but still funny ...raunchy though ..

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,

how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well

son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are

like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears,

still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many

types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is

like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a

birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a

Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Contractor

Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the
third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A
senior White House official takes them to examine it.

The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he
says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials,
$400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans
over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we
hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"

Guess who got the contract........................!!

The Wedding of the Four Novice Nuns

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the
Mother Superior and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them
to Jesus, making them Brides of Christ.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with
yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front
row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to
share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you
came?"

One of the Hasidic Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Beauty of Dali - with sound

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Lesson from a Butterfly

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Did you know?

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Best joke of the year in Australia:

Those Aussies are a little coarse sometimes.......

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's
a sheep, you idiot".

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Friday, October 19, 2007

Titanic and Clinton

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books: "Titanic;"
and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him
an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:...... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Is this you yet ?

Recently, A woman was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my flower tubs.
As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the
porch table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the
table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table andtake out the rubbish first.
But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. > >
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. > > The Coke is
getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
window ledge catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for aall morning. I decide I better put them
back on my computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the
kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first
I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. > >
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- The tubs aren't watered;
- The car isn't washed;
- The bills aren't paid;
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge ;
- The flowers don't have enough water;
- There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;
- I can't find the remote;
- I can't find my glasses;
- I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm
really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know , because I
don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh --

if this isn't you yet, your day is coming

Three Pints of Guinness

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.

He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from
each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eye and he laughs.

Go On…

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

Old but still funny - "Stella Awards"

The "Stella Awards" are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in
New Mexico). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most
frivolous and ridiculous, yet successful, lawsuits in the United
States.

Here are this year's winners:
************************************
7th Place.

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle when she tripped over a toddler who
was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the
misbehaving little toddler was Ms Robertson's son.
***********************

6th Place.

Nineteen-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of
the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
*******************

5th Place

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage.
He was no able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic
door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation, so Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the home owners' insurance company, claiming the situation
caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion, this is SO
outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place.
********************

4th Place

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door
neighbours' beagle.
The beagle was on a chain in its owners' fenced yard.
The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt that
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting
it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
*****************************
3rd Place

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
and broke her
Coccyx (tail bone).
The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
***************************

2nd Place
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.
This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window
in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

****************

1st Place (drum roll, please)

This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand-new, 32-foot-long Winnebago
motor home.
On her first trip home from an OU football game -- having driven onto
the freeway -- she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left
the driver's seat to go into the back to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's
manual that she couldn't actually do that.
The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.
The company actually changed its manuals on the basis of this law
suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Friday Funny.....

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day.
So, I called 'Lifeline'.
I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could
drive a truck or fly an air plane....

Blind date

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather
bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve,"
said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to
do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man,
and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl
home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

Don't copy if you can't paste ................. !!!

A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying,
"That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training
decided to use that joke at his house.
He tried to rehearse the joke in his head.
It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly,
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out
"... And I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story:
Don't copy,
If you can't paste

Indian matrimonial ads on the Internet

Even if you're married, you ought to read matrimonial ads. Not only
are they entertaining, they may also make you feel good about the
person you married.

His body is single too: "I live with my parents in parents owned
house. My family status is upper middle class. … My face colour is
light dark. I have muscular/single body."

Don't tell your husband: "I believe in simple living and high
thinking. I am looking for a girl married unmarried no matters but
should be simple and co-operative. If any body interested contact me."

She'll be your Shakespeare: "The world isn't really that big after
all. Why then oh why are thee hiding from me? Are you not in ardent
search of me as I am of you? Don't you think it's high time we lit up
each other's lives with love? – after all, you – gazing at your P.C.
this very moment underneath this same big starry blue sky & I – have
been Heavenly made for each other."

Don't worry, she's no career woman: "We parents are placing this
profile for our daughter. … She has excelled in her academic and
professional career as an engineer, yet she is not career oriented.
She likes to focus on helping others towards better health and
spiritual growth through yoga teachings."

He'll look after you well: "Very good in looking. Very enthusiastic.
Music lover. Helping tendency. Good earning. ... I am looking for a
fair homely educated girl. Employment – no bar. Should be a Hindu
religion girl with ample belief in God."

An English Expert: "I'm medium in built, fair and good looking. I'm
very kind, helpfull, tolarative, understandable and foreseeking. I've
passed my A/L in Science. … I've an excellent English knowledge."

Girls and ladies welcome: "I am a tall handsome fair 29 year old guy,
looking for a girl/lady with human values, loyalty, faithfulness,
residing at UK, USA, Canada. Girls/women looking for a long honest
relationship are welcomed."

An English complexion: "Hello, I'm a young lady. I'm looking for my
correct spouse. My looks are quite different from normal girls. My
complexion is milky white. It is just like an English lady. My hair is
golden. My eye balls are pink. My figure is good. So I'm looking for a
man who can accept me the way I am."

He'll set you free: "What I want in a girl is outer and inner beauty.
I want to give her freedom. I'm a free man, completely free, so I want
her to be free, though she may swim in the love of my heart."

He know his music: "I love to go hard in life. I love music and
watching BBC and Punjabi songs and Janifer Lopaz songs."

Excuse her, if you live in the East: "Physically, I would consider
myself to be attractive, well-maintained and friendly. … I am looking
for someone well-educated, mature, compassionate and residing in UK or
US. I am well balanced in values, both eastern and western. Guys
residing in India, Singapore and Malaysia, please excuse."

She's neither Aishwarya nor plain Jane: "I'm neither tall nor short,
neither fat nor skinny, neither light nor dark. Let's put it this way,
I may not look like Aishwarya Rai, but I know how to carry myself well
– in a natural and attractive manner."

She'll mow the lawn: "This profile is for my daughter. Her
qualification are Bsc., M.A, LLB and nowadays preparing for PCS-J
mains. She is also good in doing all type of household work as well as
outside work."

She'll give you lovable surprises: "I am looking for someone
financially sound so that I do not need to work when it comes to
raising and nurturing babies. I want my babies to grow in front of my
eyes. I am a type of person who likes to give lovable surprises now
and then. I want that my life partner love me so much that we forget
any pains of our life by being in each other's arm. He should be able
to forget his tiredness with my love and my loving smile."

Applications are now being accepted: "I'm good looking, honest and
religious. So I'm looking same or much more good qualities in my life
partner. Anyone who is serious about this matter may apply with
complete bio data."

He values the fragrance: "Well, about myself, I'm a matured, but fun
loving and caring person, basically an extrovert. Have a modern touch
to my life, but still value the traditional fragrance of our culture.
Very much naughty with friends and family. They all love me a lot."

SEE WHAT THE AUSSIES GET UP TO IN SYDNEY

Sydney radio - This is a corker Just imagine sitting in traffic on
your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this
wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let' s call Sara, shall we?" (touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara:

"Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

To Cheer our Ladies!

*One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies,

"I'll miss you..."

--------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied

--------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

--------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been so good that each one of them
could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

(This prayer is suitable for both genders subject necessary changes).

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

SARDAR

Sardar was asked ..

Do read fully!!

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRAZIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAMA

D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University
students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?

A) EDER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary Islands , in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on
which animal:

A) CANARYBIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT

Sardar gives up .........

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at our Sardar's replies,

Then please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) The Panama hat is made in Equador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
which means islands of the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....

Blow Hot Blow Cold

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be
in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask
me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the
first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you
know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in July and the second time is in December."

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bruce from Downunder

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one

day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila, about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila,

what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says,

"G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great

shag, but you're a real sport too."

And then drives off.

Divorce marriage style

Toronto Tower - where are you looking????

Massage anyone?

If you click on the picture you will see motion...press the reurn arrow key of your browser to get back to the Blog..

XX - Poker

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to
Heaven The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven
today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these,
they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will
please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the
same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it
without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty,
you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that
all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you
turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to
Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush
beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Funny!

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A Thought for the Day

A crowded elevator must smell different to a midget.

Very Interesting - Global Incidence Map & Report

This is interesting! When you click on the website link
below, a world Map comes up showing what strange &
dangerous things are happening right now in every country
in the entire world & is updated every few minutes. You
can move the map around, zero in on any one area &
actually up-load the story of what is going on. It is
amazing when you can see the things that are happening
right here in the U.S., sometimes right in your own state
or even your city. Global Incident Map: There is a lot
happening in our world every minute. This "map" updates
every 460 seconds...constantly 24/7.

http://www.globalincidentmap.com/home.php

Click on any icon on the map for text update information.
It's not just about Terrorism - it's about everything
happening every minute some place in the world of
terrorism threats, explosions, airline incidents, etc.

Puns

Puns of fun for you!

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of
language development . Here are the top 10 winners in the
International Pun Contest:

1 . A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons . The
Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger . "

2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall . The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"

3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft . Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too .

4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet . One says, "I've lost my electron . " The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive . "

5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication .

6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories .
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse . But why?", they asked, as they moved off . "Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer . "

7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal . " The other goes to a
family in Spain ; they name him "Juan . . " Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal
. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal . "

8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked
to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair . He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not . He went back and begged the friars to
close . They ignored him . So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close . Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop . Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars .

9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath . This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis .

10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh .

No pun in ten did .

How you score with your partner

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'ROBOCOP' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Monday, October 15, 2007

I'm with Mrs Jones

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you
have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his ques tion. All responded this time,
except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to
forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the
world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next! "

Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his

own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her

aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and

Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the

President he's holding the message upside down."

Countries with the most prisoners:

13 Oct. 07

1. USA - 2,078,570 = one out of every 145 people

2. Russia - 846,967 = one out of every 166 people

3. China - 1,549,000 = one out of every 853 people

Possible reasons for USA being # 1:

1.Law and order crackdown begun by president Reagan in 1980, throwing
many more into jail instead of giving them just fines or community
service.

2. California's infamous 'three strikes' law, in force since the early 1990's.
Under this law, anyone committing a third offence is sentenced to life
imprisonment. Many petty criminals committing minor offences have been
jailed for life. In one case, a man stole a 99 cent slice of pizza. He
was sentenced to life imprisonment because it was his third offence.
There are thousands of cases like this.

This has meant extremely overcrowded prisons in which the usual
incidents of violence, homosexual rape, drug use and murder are
greatly multiplied. These prisons are hell-holes of despair, far worse
than any Sri Lankan prison.

3. The US is the most litigious society on earth. There are more
lawyers in Chicago than in all of Japan! All those lawyers, cops,
judges etc. have to be kept employed. There are millions of laws in
the US, probably more than any other country on earth.

The US has 50 states with 50 different sets of laws. Then there are
thousands of cities, towns and municipalities with their own laws. On
top of that, there are all the federal laws. What is legal or only a
minor misdemeanor in one state, city or municipality, might carry a
long jail term in another jurisdiction.

As with many other misguided US policies, millions of Americans can
only look on in despair and wonder what has happened to their
wonderful country. There is little they can do, because their hands
are tied, legally, politically and constitutionally.
The US ship of state seems to be buffeted and tossed around by every
political wind that comes around, and it's citizens seem helpless to
do anything about it.

Maybe the great 18th century British historian Lord Macaulay was right
when he told Americans, "Your constitution is all sail and no
anchor."

Friday, October 12, 2007

Proud Sri Lankan- Good one

A Sri Lankan is calmly having his breakfast when an American,
typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Sri Lankan ignores
the American who begins to chat:

The American : Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Sri Lankan : Of course!
The American : We do not. We only eat the inner part, the crust is
put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then
sold to Sri Lanka. The Sri Lankan says nothing.

The American continues : Do you eat this jelly with the bread?
The Sri Lankan repeats : Of course.
The American : We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we
keep all the peels and seeds in the containers. Later we process it,
and transform it into jelly and then we sell it to Sri Lanka.

The Sri Lankan asks : And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
The American : We throw them away, of course!

The Sri Lankan : We do not. We keep them in containers, process them,
transform them in to chewing gum and then sell it to the United
States.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde. "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container.........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

Truth

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the
water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a
living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord
asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires "Is this your thimble?" the Lord
asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied,
"Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all
three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the river bank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George
Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried
the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. I t is merely
a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George
Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said
'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then
said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all
three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a
good and honorable reason, and in the best interests of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Tip of the day - never fart in a wet suit

English as she is spoke in China

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Who wants to be a Millionnaire - Cuckoo

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

A little raunchy

Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd
shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and
hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking
for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an
armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lyi ng. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

DEPENDENCY

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female?
To find out the answer, look down...

Look down, not scroll down !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Women

What do you call a woman in heaven ?

An Angel.

A crowd of women in heaven ?

A host of Angels.

And

All women in heaven ?

PEACE ON EARTH !!!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Breakfast at the White House

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

And what can I get for you Mr. President?' George W. looking up from
his menu replies with his trademark wink
and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'

'Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims 'How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton!'

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers,

'It's pronounced, 'Quiche'.'

THE CLINTONS

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she's in the middle of
her first run for President, and as Senator of New York this has
happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts
screaming; 'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going
on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't
believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all
your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?'
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again,
'Did you hear me?'

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
whisper, he says, 'Who is this?'

Grouchy

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'

Saturday, October 06, 2007

I've some doubts..

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be
given a thought)

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
(very good thinking)

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs
just sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by oneseyes)

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I
will stayand watch)

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

11. What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments)

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
rememberthat they forgot? (can somebody help )

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
(strange isn't it)

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on
your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think
scientifically)

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130
when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Monday, October 22, 2007

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Friday, October 19, 2007

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Friday, October 12, 2007

Thursday, October 11, 2007

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