XXX - Not for prudes

Headache
As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache"
he replies "Perfect!! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take
it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "
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exhausted

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the
time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around
to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my
husband!"

Almost Married
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You", and I holler back, "Fuck you too."

Telephone Conversation

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $#,500.#."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I love you too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

Sex Problem


A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about #:# am for nookie and then again about # o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".

Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

KISS ME, DOCTOR

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Another five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably even shouldn't be fucking you.

Biting Back
One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.