Adult jokes

My wife said,

"Honey, go get a dozen condoms, I'm horny."

I said "Great Darlin, I'll be right back."

When I got back, she said,

"Thanks," and walked out the door.

I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist,

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she answered, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed.

He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy
her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the
pro shop where he usually played golf.

She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her
one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers
favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the
argument in the first place!"

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Last night at the Pub, standing next to me, there was this very fat
acquaintance of mine who confided in me that he had not seen "his
thing" in years.

"Why don't you diet?" I helpfully offered.

He gave me a surprised look and replied,

"Dye it? What difference would the colour make?"

Two kindergarten little girls are talking and one said to the other,
"I found a condom on the patio this morning." The other child said,
"Err... What's a patio?"

The woman who made love with a ghost didn't know she had it in her.

Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home
and come to the city for a weekend visit with her and her husband,
John.

And to see how the urban half lived.

She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out
for a night on the town.

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's
apartment for a nightcap.

They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then
Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom for some lovemaking.

"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - Adult Puns!

I got a sweater for Christmas.
I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Every year, before they can set up the National Christmas Tree, the
White House deputizes a special task force to handle police problems
in the Ellipse, which is that big grassy area just south of
Pennsylvania Ave.
In addition to problems with the homeless and drug dealers, the unit
has recently had a lot of trouble clearing out all the pimps and
prostitutes.
To handle the crisis, the President also created a special sub-group
within the Department of the Interior:
These are now known as:
"The Whore-Force Men of the Park Ellipse."

The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning
gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station?"
"Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway.

Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod, after
realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a
stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.
Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat,
gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the
door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with
his hands on his hips, says,
"I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy! "
The truck driver just laughs and says,
"Blow me!"
The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,
"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"

When my neighbour proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with
a horse for Christmas, I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride.
He said he wasn't sure, but she could probably ride about anything
since she had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch out in Nevada.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our
government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally
ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhoea.
And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology.
It was heartfelt.
She said,
'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD.

A cleaning lady was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment, she replied,
"Yes, Sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place
I ever worked.
They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there.
As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say,
"Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said,
"I've got strength but no length."
Another man says to the lady,
"Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour and two other
ladies were talking and one said,
"Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die
if one of them didn't say,
"Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country
road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says,
"I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass."
The second man says,
"I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says,
"I wish it was dark."

Blondes are like pianos;
When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and
Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that
guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?"
Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly.
"But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

The masochist couldn't answer the phone because he was tied up.

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she
was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said,
"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied
"Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, except for
her heart condition. How long has she been in the business? "
The patient's friend replied
"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to
do with anything? " "Well, " said the doctor, "if she's been working
for 18 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet, I don't think she's
about to start now! "

Love your neighbour,
But don't get caught.

Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
the world.
Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies,
"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to
join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
And we know what that meant.
Their first night there she undresses as he does.
There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties .
He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks,
"Why the black panties? "
She replies,
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down
there I am still in mourning. "
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his
birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black
condom.
She looks at him and asks,
"What's with this? A black condom? "
He replies,
"I'd like to offer my condolences. "

A woman never forgets the men she could have had;
A man, the women he couldn't.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

If Only Life Was Like A Computer!

If you messed up your life,
You could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over.

To get your daily exercise,
Just click on "run."

If you needed a break from life,
Click on "suspend."
Hit any key to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbours,
Turn up the sound blaster.

To add or remove someone in your life,
Click settings and control panel.
Then, simply click "Add / remove."

To improve your appearance,
Just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy,
Turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys,
Click on "find."

"Help" with the chores is
Just a click away.

You wouldn't need auto insurance.
You'd use your diskette or CD to recover from a crash.

We could click on "send"
&
The kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person,
Click on "refresh."

Click on "close"
To shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake,
Click on "back."

Is your wardrobe getting old?
Click "update."

If you don't like cleaning the litter box,
Click on "delete."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

You know you are trailer trash when you let your twelve-year-old
daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

A Canadian official miss spoke when asking people for "more sex
stories", instead of "more success stories".
He's not that far off since most success stories in business involve
screwing someone.

My mother never understood why I laughed every time she called me a
"Son of a Bitch."

A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated.
When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men
are furiously masturbating.
She asks,
"What the hell are you three perverts doing?"
One man replies,
"We all very hungry!"
She answers,
"But why are you jerking off?"
Another man answers,
"Because menu say 'First Come, First Served!'"

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,
He just didn't have the balls to do it.

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work.
The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So, the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for
years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him.
He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in.
He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table
with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and
looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing
like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window.
He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is
waiting for him. The window cleaner says,
"Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what
is going on up there."
"Well, " says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to
see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky
monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize. "
"But what about the third window? "the window cleaner asks.
"Well, " says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese
in his foreskin. "
Foreplay:

The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he
looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying
pan.
"what are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed
very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."

A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a
party of young boys kids on a cruise.
Suddenly, the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out,
"Quick! Save the kids!"
"Screw the kids!" said the minister heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" asked the priest.

Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Only after lights out.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

EXERCISE? NO USE SIR !

1. If walking is good for one's health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, eats only fish, drinks a lot of water and.... IS
    FAT.
3. A rabbit runs and hops all the time and lives only, at best, for 15 years
4. A turtle doesn't run, does nothing.... yet lives for 450 years..!!

So, *TO HELL WITH EXERCISE..... SLEEP WELL !!*

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Balance

God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black
people.
Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of
peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Birth control pills are deductible only if they don't work.

Effie was a faithful maid who worked for an old spinster for a few years.
One day, she Announced that she could only work until noon because she
had to take her son to the doctor.
"But Effie, I didn't know you were married. I thought you were an old
maid like me."
"I ain't married, and I am an old maid. But I ain't the fussy kind."

I see sales for Viagra are way down.
I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old
woman is not worth $20.

There ARe a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions
from his doctor.
He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and
advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.
"What about my sex life?" asked the old man "Will it be all right for
me to have intercourse?"
"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."

Confucius said:
Man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.

Door bell rings.
The man from next door says, he needs help.
His wife is having a seizure.
Next door, on the floor the wife is naked and thrashing about wildly.
The man says help me hold her down.
Once the wife's limbs are pinned the man rips off his clothes.
"When I climb on let her loose!"

What's the deal with incense.
It smells like somebody set fire to a clothes hamper.
Gym socks and jasmine.
Do we need that smell?
You know what incense smells like?
If flowers could fart.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - Adult Puns!

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce:
There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of
the usual things that lead to this situation.
The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality!
The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked,
"Don't you mean homosexuality?"
"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum lay!"

Mother to child:
"It's OK to mix peas and corn, but don't call it porn."

My girlfriend was in labour with our first child.
She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs."
She looked at me and said,
"You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied,
"If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but
you said, "It'll be too painful."

Chefs will tell you the best reason for pounding meat is loneliness.

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when
the husband looked a t his wife and said,
"I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties
and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and
wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he
noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you
didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said,
"No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled:
"My Favorite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

HERE'S A FINGER

Banta calls his wife, Preeto, from the hospital.
He tells her that his finger got cut off at the
construction site where he works.
"Oh my God!!" cries Preeto. "The  'whole' finger?"
"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

A curious little boy asks his mom what his younger sister has between the legs;
The young mother does not know how to explain to the boy,
So, she says:
"It's like the Garage..."
The boy then asks:
"What is mine called?"
"It's called the Car..." the mother replies.
A few days later, the phone rings while the parents are "busy" in the
bedroom; the little boy answers it.
It's his dad's friend:
"Is your father home? Could I speak to him?"
"Yes, but he's busy", the boy replies.
"What's he doing? I wanna talk to him..."
"Wait, let me check..."
The boy looks through the bedroom keyhole; then comes back and says:
"He's putting the Car in the Garage "
"Ok, I'll call back..."
A short while later, the man calls back:
"Can I talk to your dad now?"
"He's still busy..."
"What? What's he doing? How long does it take him to put the car in
the garage anyway?" "Wait, let me check..."
The boy, again, looks through the bedroom keyhole, comes back and has
this to tell his dad's friend:
"He's still trying to put the Car in the Garage; he keeps moving the
Car back and forth. He seems to have problem putting the rear wheels
of the Car into the Garage..."

When a boy reaches puberty,
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Nothing can replace the bikini-and it often does!

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.
A doctor walks in to her room and asks her,
"What is the problem ma'am?"
The lady replies,
"Doctor, I have been having trouble with my rectum, it hurts really bad."
The doctor tells the woman,
"Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"
So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.
After a while, the doctor asks the young lady,
"Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"
The lady replies,
"No, why?"
The doctor then says,
"Would you like to?"

If your girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills,
Give her a good tongue-lashing.

A little boy didn't go to school one day.
The next day when the teacher asked him why,
He said
"Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull".
"How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father could have done that."
"No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull."

Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?
He couldn't jit.

"Doctor, I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see
me in that delicate position?"
"Be assured it will be authorized personnel only -- just doctors,
nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews,
journalists, and a few students."

If we knew then what we know now,
We would have married our cousins instead of our sisters.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Joke Time...

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being
faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and
question each one later about the other's behaviour.

When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip,
casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she
mentioned the woman.

"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.

Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his
cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before
confronting her with what he knew.

Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife
after ascertaining that they had met.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

Gary's spirits picked up.

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Women Over 50

In  case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what  Andy Rooney thinks
about women  over 50.

60 Minutes  Correspondent Andy Rooney  (CBS)

As  I grow in age, I value women over 50 most  of all. Here are just a
few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night  and
ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't  care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't just
sit around whining about it, she does something she wants to do..  And
it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a  screaming match with
you at the opera or in the  middle of an expensive restaurant. Of
course, if  you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they
think they can get away with  it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to
a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart.

Older women are  forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we  praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons,
unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed, hot woman  over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in
yellow pants making a fool of himself with some  22-year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk
for free?' Here's an update for you. Nowadays  80% of women are
against  marriage. Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying
an  entire pig just to get a little  sausage!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - Adult Puns!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach and for the sake of civility,
and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering:
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied:
"If you weren't so ugly it would have lifted itself."

"Oh mom!" sobbed little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

70% of the gay population were born that way.
The other 30% were sucked into it.

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc
asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open,
So, he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must
have shrunk just sitting in his closet because it didn't fit when he
went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said,
"Suits don't shrink just sitting there. You probably just put on a few
pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the
last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of
Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your
chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

The difference between a woman and a 1980s computer is:
An old computer can take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L. A. Nightspot when
a mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed on over to where he was seated.
She said,
"Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."
"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."

I hate it when I hear people say,
"Nice guys finish last."
Seems every nice guy I've slept with finished first and didn't last.

It happened on the corner of Broadway and 47th Street.
The girl leaned against the building, running her fingers through her
bleached hair and smiling more than-casually at the male passers-by.
She wore a plaid skirt and a low-cut V-neck sweater.
Finally, one of her come hither looks paid off, and she was approached
by a young man with a familiar glint in his eye.
"Hi," he said, undressing her mentally.
"Hello, handsome."
His eyes focused on her sweater and the curves it almost covered.
"What's the V for?" he asked. "Veronica?"
 "Uh-uh. Virgin."
"Oh, come on," he said playfully. "you're a virgin?"
"No," she winked. "It's an old sweater."

The sign on the door of the whorehouse said,
"Beat it, we're closed."

Jim said,
"Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drug store to pick up a 'patch'
subscription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."
"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said.
"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Jim, "I told her to let me
know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to suck
on."

Jasmine went to melba's place to tell her about a horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked melba.
"After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!"
Somewhat shocked, melba asked,
"What did you do then?"
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five
biker friends with him!

To embarrass an archeologist,
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Puns of the Day...

Morris Crisp was very sad when his father passed away.
When his mother remarried to a retired Navy captain named Arthur Ness,
and made Morrie take the name of his step-father.
Morrie felt she was betraying the memory of his father.
After he grew up, and his mother died, Morrie had Arthur committed to
a nursing home and bilked him of his life savings.
When he was caught, the newspapers read,
"Morrie Crisp-Ness fleeces Navy Dad!"

"Ninety-five dollars for a Christmas tree, that's obscene."
"Hey, the prices should be obscene and not  heard"

One tale never told by Charles Dickens took place in London pubs in
the early 1800's. Each afternoon, a well-dressed man about thirty-five
years of age would enter a pub and seek out the most curvaceous
serving-girl in the room.
He'd sit down in her area, and as she brought him his pint, he'd grab
her waist and pull her onto his lap.
For as long as he could resist any struggle he'd fondle her most
scrumptious parts.
When, typically, she broke away, he'd hand her a gold coin, down his
beer, and leave. This went on for several years, by which time he had
quite a reputation in the drinking establishments.
Serving-girls city wide talked about him, and, indeed, some sought out
his patronage, for a gold coin was worth a few minutes of public
shame.
To the remainder, though, he became known as the "Guinea Pig."

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know
where her Sunday paper was.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday
edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."
There was a long pause on the other end of the line.
Then she was heard to mutter,
"Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

The schoolteacher, who was in love with the head of the school, took
out a loan with the bank, because she had an interest in the
principal.

I wonder if any person has had more geographical locations named after
him or her than England's long-sitting queen, Queen Victoria.
She was the beloved queen whose name identified an entire age, and she
reigned for sixty years.
As this was the era of British imperialism, exploration, and
colonialism, numerous opportunities arose to name places for her.
Victoria, British Columbia, Canada is named for her;
Victoria Falls in Africa is named for her;
Lake Victoria in Africa is named for her;
There are many, many more, of course.
In the late nineteenth century, even local British municipalities
wanted to honour their esteemed queen.
Thus, in the British Isles are numerous towns, rivers, hills, schools,
streets, railroad stations, bridges, and more named for Queen
Victoria.
However, the queen drew the line when a local developer wanted to name
a housing development after her and call it Victoria Mews.
Queen Victoria declared that this would never be:
"We are a city in Canada, we are a falls in Africa, and we are an
island off the coast of China, but we are not a mews."

The obstetricians, baseball pitchers and truck drivers met to compare
their deliveries.

Cold weather can cause fights over control of the thermostat.
I like to keep the house cool, at 65 degrees, but my wife likes to
keep it at 70 degrees.
So, we compromise, and keep it at 70 degrees.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my
Mom would be like.
It seems the minister asked my Mom,
"Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then, the minister asked my Dad,
"Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Xerox never does anything original.

I dropped out of college after two years and now I'm kicking myself,
because if I had my played my cards just a little differently I could
have a community college diploma right now!

A politician who had been an astronomer was always saying,
"No comet'?

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Puns of the Day...

The participants in a Xmas pageant forgot their lines, tripped on
their floor length costumes, and otherwise totally botched up the
performance.
All the same, they were foolish enough to show up for a curtain call,
at which they promptly were pelted with whatever the audience had on
hand, rather than being applauded.
As they retreated backstage to clean up, the lead player remarked to
the others,
"Well, those were certainly bows of folly."

The elves have to work very carefully as Santa wants anything he
delivers free of germs. He has a knack for telling which gifts are
contaminated by germs by looking carefully at them.
The elves call this gift Santa Eyes.

Ben was bringing the Christmas decorations down from the attic, so he
and his wife could begin decorating the house and tree.
During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with Boxes, he slipped
and, luckily, only fell about two steps before landing square on his
behind.
His wife heard the noise, and yelled,
"What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the stairs," he called up.
She rushed to the hallway,
"Anything broken?!" she asked her husband, who was still sitting in on
the floor in the hallway, at the foot of the stairs.
"No, no, I'm fine." and embarrassed Ben replied, a bit sheepishly.
There was only the slightest pause before his loving wife said,
"No, no, not you! I meant my decorations. Are any of them broken?"

Mr. Perot doesn't need an alarm clock when he goes to sleep in Waycross, GA.

Sean O'Reilly comes into Pulaski's Bar Friday afternoon about 4PM and
hops on a barstool.
The bartender asks him what he'd like, to which he replies,
"Nothing, thanks. I'm on the wagon, but I'd lik e to just set here a spell."
Five minutes later he gets up and leaves.
The next Friday, the scene repeats, and so on, for each Friday for
months on end.
One afternoon, a patron asks the bartender,
"What was that all about?"
"Oh, nothing much," was the reply. "He's my Irish setter."

I've seen the Ghost of Christmas Past and he's shaped like a credit card.

A crafty old antique dealer is travelling through rural Somerset when
he spots a priceless Chippendale cabinet in a junk shop.
He knows he will make tens of thousands of pounds reselling it -- if
he can persuade the shop owner that it's worthless.
He offers the man twenty pounds, explaining that the only reason he's
interested is that he NEeds some firewood, and the wood should burn
well.
So, the price is agreed and the dealer explains that he'll return the
next day with his van to pick up the cabinet.
The following morning, the dealer drives up and sees a pile of old
wood sitting outside the shop.
"What's that?" he says.
"It's the cabinet," replies the shop owner. "I felt so guilty charging
twenty pounds for firewood that I've done you a favour and chopped it
up for you."

Athletes are not always MENSA material.

One Olympic champion was so proud of his medal, he had it bronzed.

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers, such as their political
affiliation, on computer.
But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly
unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal
abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2,000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services.
One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its
databases and select its customers automatically.
He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2,000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard."
The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

A friend of mine just started his own business, making land mines that
look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

Why Men are Never Depressed ... Priceless oldie, a goldie.

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

 You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Santa has a huge sack because he only comes once a year.

A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had
given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get
any sex.
They asked him,
"How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."

"Would you like to play house with us Johnny," asked the bravest of
several girls.
"Sure," replied Little Johnny. "Which one of you is going to be the madam?"

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made
the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls."
It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her
to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed
on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
Monday, they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut
it down because one worker couldn't keep up.
The boss went down the line to find the problem.
The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a
bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing
two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
When the boss could control his laughter he said,
"Lady, I said to give each doll two test tickles."

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go,
But doesn't really care where.

The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our
government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally
ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhoea.
And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology.
It was heartfelt.
She said,
'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good.

A woman's husband always lets her know when he's not getting enough.
The other night when their boys were being particularly rambunctious,
and groping each other, she yelled at them
"In this house, we don't touch each other's privates."
To which her husband replied,
"No kidding."

Never go to bed mad,
Stay up and fight.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road.
Every morning at 5.30, his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much!

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour.
"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash
down as far as possible.
Then, I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."
"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

Have you heard about Bernard, the brown-nosed reindeer.
He's second in line to Rudolph.
He's just as fast, but can't stop as quick.

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when
suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out,
"Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens
the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the
girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the
whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the
doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks,
"Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims,
"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... You've got the
worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"

Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
They're attracted to me by what I don't mind.

A guy walks into a bar, and after a while the bartender starts griping.
"You see this little figurine I whittled?
I made it myself.
But they don't call me 'Joe the wood carver.'
And you see that big SWordfish on the wall?
Caught that one myself.
But they don't call me 'Joe the fish catcher.'
Hell, they don't even call me 'Joe the Bartender.'
But you Fxxk one sheep... "

You can easily pick out a paranoid Woman.
She's the one putting a Condom on her Vibrator.

In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Ralph, the pin boy.

The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class for the kids.
She said,
"Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
Some of the students looked at each other in a state of total confusion.
Then, Johnny raised his hand.
When called upon, he said,
"Miss, have you ever seen the size of moth balls?"

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong,
leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass.
Doctors described his condition as stable.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...

PUNS OF THE DAY...

Because of my fluency in American Sign Language, I was hired to be a
Santa Claus in mall.
My employer wanted to provide deaf children with a Santa who could
communicate with them.
I sat for hours, performing for the children who came to visit.
But none of them was deaf.
Then, two girls approached shyly.
One explained that her sister was deaf and could not speak.
"What is your name?"
I signed slowly.
"J-A-S-M-I-N-E," she replied with her fingers, grinning from ear to ear.
I was bubbling over with pride when I absent-mindedly signed,
"My name is H-E-N-R-Y, nice to meet you."
The startled child pulled back and furiously began signing,
"I thought your name was Santa Claus!"

An apparition attired in green and red was questioned about its unusual attire.
"I'm a Christmas wraith" was the reply.

It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus's sleigh team
became one member short because of a sudden illness, and when an
inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team so
no one would notice the animal missing, Regis, Chief of Elves, asked
Santa,
"Is that your vinyl Prancer?"

Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be
a girl.
We should've known.
Only women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet
suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Heading off to college at the age of 40, the new coed was a bit
self-conscious about her advancing years.
One morning she complained to my husband that she was the oldest
student in the class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," she
said.
"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," her husband said
optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college
girls were over!"

Why did the mother put her baby on the phonograph?
It had an automatic changer.

Laugh and the world laughs with you;
Snore and you sleep alone.

Read More...

Return to the Blog...