XX - Adult Puns!

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table
where she was sitting and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied:
"If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the
woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?

The S&M fetishist stood up in the bar and announced that she could
whip any man in the house.

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mother, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell,
"It's okay, Jessica, we can play that game again!"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing"

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road
and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his
kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse.
Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home.
Later that night, she wrote in her diary,
"A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road.
As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt.
Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home.
Later that night, she wrote in her diary,
"I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time, however, Mary didn't get home until very late.
That night, she wrote in her diary,
"There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

A Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
"Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."

*My friend is out there job hunting.
He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application
and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M'.
He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to 'F', but he spends most of the time alone 'M'-ing.

Dr. Pepper came in a bottle when his wife died.

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the
size of the other's manhood,
So, he asked,
"How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded
"Well I rub it down every night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole.
Once again, there was a comparison made with no results.
The first boy said,
"I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed
"Well, no wonder, that's shortening."

Sorority girls don't talk during sex because their mothers taught them
never to talk to strangers.

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in
Hertfordshire, lives a women called Linda Lykes.
She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn.
For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives
her post: "Linda Lykes The Cockwell Inn Erbum Tillet Herts."

A guy walks up to a hooker and asks,
"How much do you charge to rub the genitals?"
She says,
"The same as the Jews."

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service.
The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which
her talent was listed.
Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and
told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.
When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said,
"I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the
ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so
charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you.
You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are,
falling for the oldest trick in the book."

Nike is making a new shoe for lesbians;
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.