XX - Adult Puns!

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a small woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The tall tree says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker
in.

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend Sally, puts her hand on
her shoulder, and says, "There's something I've been meaning to tell
you about myself. I'll be frank, I'm a lesbian." "That's OK," says
Sally. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."

A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the
bartender came over, he said,
"I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his three shots.
One, two, three -- they disappeared!
"Fill 'ER up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two,
three -- they were gone!
Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this.
When the man asked for a third fillup, he said,
"Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"
The customer said,
"Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I
go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said,
"A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I
saw 3 gorgeous women!"
Joe said,
"That's not unusual. A lotta lovely women on the I nternet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes.
He said,
"Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see
are your daughter, your wife, and your mother?"

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate
little bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to a man?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional!"

It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and, in his
innocence, he sought lodging in the city's red-light district.
His money, however, was as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly
offered him a room for the night.
When a friend questioned him about his accommodations over lunch the
following day, the young Briton replied,
"Well, the room was very pretentious, you know, but gad, what maid service!"

"Darling," she sighed, "love me like you've never loved me before!"
"Not in this state," he replied. "I could get ten years."

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.

Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got
even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment
and located unused condoms in a drawer.
She carefully opened the condoms and put peppered chili powder in
them, resealed them and waited for the results.
Later, after a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend,
Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on fire.
Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said,
"He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it."

Three sailors who were walking along the beach.
A wave came along and sucked them under the boardwalk.